4 | FEBRUARY 9 • 2023 

T

he new year is barely a 
month old, and I’m about 
to make one of the most 
monumental decisions of my 
life. I’m finally going to cancel 
my one remaining 
landline. There, I 
said it. I can barely 
wrap my brain or 
phone cord around 
the thought of it, 
but the time has 
come. 
In the words 
of Neil Sedaka — 
“Breaking up is hard to do,
” but 
it’s time. The only folks I hear 
from now on our landline are 
those wonderful, endearing folks 
who call during dinner to remind 
me that I’m in need of an extend-
ed car warranty or new windows.
Perhaps, before I pull the plug, 
I’ll finally implement the strat-
egy Jerry instituted on Seinfeld, 
Season 4, Episode 3, when he 
was on the receiving end of a 
telemarketer trying to sell him 
a new long distance service. 
Long distance service? Does that 
sound ancient or what? Well, that 
episode did originally air 30 years 

ago.
Anyway, Jerry answers his 
phone, and the following dia-
logue ensues:
(Telephone rings)
Jerry: “Hello.
”
Telemarketer: “Hi, would you 
be interested in switching over to 
TMI long distance service?” 
Jerry: “Oh gee, I can’t talk right 
now. Why don’t you give me your 
home number and I’ll call you 
later.
”
Telemarketer: “Uh, I’m sorry, 
we’re not allowed to do that.
”
Jerry: “Oh, I guess you don’t 
want people calling you at 
home?”
Telemarketer: “No.
”
Jerry: “Well, now you know 
how I feel.
” (Click.)
One of my fondest memories 
of a landline occurred in October 
of 1964. I was 9 years old, and my 
parents went to check on the new 
home we were just days away 
from moving into. By this time, 
all of the new phones had been 
installed and they were (drum 
roll) … push-button phones! It 
was like something right out of 
the Jetsons space-age animated 

series that debuted on television 
in 1962.
I immediately picked up the 
phone and dialed, excuse me, 
pushed the buttons that cor-
responded to my soon-to-be 
old house phone number … 
UN-31603. To my utter amaze-
ment, there was a different tone 
for each letter and number. I 
could barely contain my excite-
ment over this discovery.
My older brother answered, 
and I said, “You … are … not 
… going… to … believe this! I’m 
calling from a phone that has 
buttons instead of a dial!” I don’t 
recall his exact reaction, but it felt 
something like: “Get out of town, 
you nutty kid, you!” 
Until several years ago, we 
had three land lines. One for 
our home, one for my home 
office and one dedicated to a fax 
machine. Fax machine? Does 
that sound ancient or what?
By the way, my first fax 
machine cost, gulp, $1,500, but 
it changed the way I communi-
cated and conducted business. 
Although I did hold onto my 
carrier pigeons for a while as a 
backup.
Over time, we slowly weaned 
ourselves off two of the three 
lines as we became acclimated 
and more trusting of our cell 
phones and the use of email as a 
way to disseminate information.
I have to admit, I sometimes 
long for the slower pace of the 
dial phone that made you wait 
until each and every number had 
completed its circular rotation 
before moving on to the next 
number. There was a certain 
excitement that built up waiting 
for the impending pick up on 
the other end of the line. Unless, 
of course, your exhilaration was 
temporarily stunted by a busy 
signal. At the time, the only form 
of automatic redial was your 
index finger.
Hey, record players are once 
again in vogue, perhaps the rota-

ry phone will make a comeback.
I also long for the days when 
there was no call waiting. Yes, 
nothing tells the person on the 
other end of a call that your cur-
rent phone conversation pales in 
comparison with the one coming 
in. 
Today, of course, you really 
don’t even need a phone to have 
a phone call. You know the old 
slang expression “talk to the 
hand?” Well, now you can. Smart 
watches allow conversations to 
be carried on through our wrist 
watches. 
Because of Bluetooth technol-
ogy and ear buds, we’ve turned 
into a society of people walking 
around looking like they’re 
talking to themselves. For me, 
nothing enhances a meal in a 
restaurant more than a person 
sitting alone in the booth next to 
me talking in a loud voice to an 
invisible person.
Finally, in other phone news 
… It was just announced that 
the 313 area code is projected to 
run out of unassigned telephone 
numbers some time in 2025. If 
approved, area code 679 will then 
be assigned to new customers 
only in the same territory. 
Remember years ago, when we 
313-ers had to switch to 248? Or 
did we switch to 810 and then 
248? Whatever, I recall it being 
a big deal and boon for business 
card printers. Not today. All 
our numbers are stored on our 
phones. I couldn’t recite a phone 
number today from memory if 
my life depended on it.
Giving up landlines, fax 
machines, talking to our wrist 
watches, running out of area 
codes. Boy, oh boy, all I can say is 
the methods of communicating 
sure have changed since George 
Santos invented the telephone. 
 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker and emcee. 

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.

com,”Like” Al on Facebook and reach him 

at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.

Alan 
Muskovitz
Contributing 
Writer

PURELY COMMENTARY

for openers
Breakin’ Up with 
My Landline

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