4 | NOVEMBER 10 • 2022
for openers
Bearly Believable
I
t’s hard to believe that near-
ly a month after the elec-
tion, we are still left with
no definitive explanation
of how this year’s vote was
rocked by scan-
dal. Oh, excuse
me, allow me to
explain.
I’m sorry, I’m
not referring
to this past
Tuesday’s mid-
term elections.
I’m referring to the attempt by
someone to disrupt and affect
the outcome of … Fat Bear
Week. As NPR’s online head-
line of Oct. 12 read: “Fat Bear
Week emerges from scandal to
crown a new champion.” I’m
really getting tired of saying:
“You can’t make this stuff up.”
Fat Bear Week is a real
online contest conducted by
explore.org that bills itself
as “the home of the world’s
largest live nature network,”
featuring an endless lineup
of cameras capturing animals
being live-streamed in their
natural habitats across the
globe.
Fat Bear Week voting is held
at this time each year when the
bears are found gorging them-
selves on salmon in the Brooks
River in Katmai National Park,
Alaska, in preparation for
their winter hibernation. Thus
proving you can gain wait eat-
ing salmon if you don’t adhere
to portion control. I challenge
Florine Mark to tell the bears
that.
The contest features a brack-
et system similar to an NCAA
basketball tournament, with
each bracket featuring photo-
graphs of the bears, each iden-
tified by a name and number,
as they balloon up over
time. (This is precisely
why I ask people not to
post pictures of me eating
on Facebook.)
Online voters click on
the bear that they “Believe
best exemplifies fatness.”
The bear with the most
votes advances to the next
round until a champion is
crowned. Yes, I guess society
hasn’t gotten its fill of human
body shaming, so it now has
to turn to bear shaming.
“Bear” with me, but things
got weird. It turns out some
of the bears in the contest
were running negative TV ads
about each other. OK, that’s a
joke, but this next revelation
actually isn’t. As reported by
NPR: “The organizers of the
scandal uncovered voting
irregularities that were meant
to skew the results of a pivotal
semifinal.”
Yep, while the bears were
stuffing themselves on salm-
on, someone was actually
stuffing the virtual ballot box!
Apparently, we finally have
ourselves a fish story that is
not an exaggeration.
AND THE WINNER IS …
Once the voting was officially
validated, Bear #747, affection-
ally referred to as Bear Force
One, was crowned the winner,
weighing in at an estimated
1,400 pounds. Asked how it felt
to win in his post-fattest bear
contest press conference, an
emotional Bear Force One said:
“I’m just blessed to have been
born big-boned.
”
More than 1 million votes
were cast over the course of
Fat Bear Week. I would love
to know how many of those
million voters took the time
to vote for a fat bear — but
didn’t make it to the polls on
Tuesday. On second thought,
maybe I don’t want to know.
To be completely transpar-
ent, I was once linked to a
ballot-stuffing incident back
in 2006. HOUR magazine was
coming out with its annual
Best of Detroit issue which
presents their “annual list of
the very best Metro Detroit
has to offer, as voted by HOUR
Detroit readers.”
By virtue of a mass email
campaign spearheaded by
my neighbor Mark LoPatin
that I was not aware of, I
ended up with enough votes
to be named (Drum Roll …)
“Sexiest Male Radio Voice.” At
least I wasn’t named “Fattest
Radio Personality,” but I sure
gave it my best shot back in
those days. I mean, I did go by
the name “Big Al.”
Now, with apologies to
the aforementioned salmon,
it turns out something else
was “fishy” about yet another
recent animal weight-related
contest. And you have to trust
me, I’m still not trying to
“bait” you into believing some-
thing that isn’t true.
On Oct. 24, the Cuyahoga
County, Ohio, prosecutor’s
office charged two professional
fishermen with cheating in
the Sept. 30 Lake Erie Walleye
Trail tournament. The anglers
were about to be awarded the
$29,000 first prize for catching
the combined heaviest five
walleye.
However, the unusually
high total weight of their haul
raised suspicions, prompting
the tournament director to
slice open the fish where he
discovered 10 lead weights
planted inside, eight weighing
12-ounces each and two each
weighing 8 ounces. As if there
wasn’t enough lead in our fish
already.
The charges are a fifth-de-
gree felony which gives new
meaning to winning by “hook
or crook” … or should I say
winning by a “crook with a
hook.” Punishment could be
up to 12 months in prison and
$2,500 in fines.
I say send these fraudulent
fishermen up the river, put
them in “sole”-itary confine-
ment, slam their cell door shut
and throw away the lox.
How despicable that we
humans have actually now
sunk low enough to resort
to cheating to win contests
involving animals.
Although frankly, I’d be
willing to look the other way
if some “Lions” tried to cheat
their way to a victory.
Visit Al’s website at laughwithbigal.com,
“Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at
amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.
Alan
Muskovitz
Contest winner
‘Bear Force One’
EXPLORE.ORG
PURELY COMMENTARY