34 | SEPTEMBER 29 • 2022 
 
 
 
 

“So, what did I learn?” Glogower said. 
“Forgiveness and change are elusive and, 
like grief, take a very long time to pro-
cess and incorporate into our life. I have 
learned to think just a little more before 
I speak and consider the effect I have on 
other people. The world is messy and hard 
and hurtful. Teshuvah (repentance) is a 
brave and hopeful task and, even when 
incomplete, it is worth something.”
Glogower further observes: “You know, I 
hate the impersonal broadcasts of ‘If I have 
offended you this past year, please forgive 
me.’
“The fact of the matter is that we rarely 
are acutely aware of how we have offended 
others and even more rarely seek forgive-
ness. The trick is greater self-awareness. 

My chaplaincy training was extraordinarily 
difficult, but one handy habit I have picked 
up is to constantly take my ‘emotional 
temperature.’
“If I can recognize when I get angry or 
defensive, I can usually stop myself from 
causing too much damage. My meta-
phor is that I walked around with a giant 
backpack and I was totally oblivious to 
the fact that when I moved around, I was 
whacking people all the time. I try to be 
more deliberate these days. This has also 
increased my capacity for compassion 
and pity (which are not exactly the same) 
toward others. Nowadays, I tell people that 
it is extremely difficult to offend me unless 
they are a blood relative. And that’s the 
truth!” 

apology. That way, when you’re 
speaking with him or her, you’ll 
have planned out what you’re 
going to say, and you won’t be 
left stammering and searching 
for words.
Another thing to remember 
is that the person you’re apolo-
gizing to might not be ready to 
accept your apology. 
Worthington says there are 
basically four ways people 
respond to requests for forgive-
ness:
• “Yes, I forgive you.”
• “I need more time.”
• “I can make a decision to for-
give you, but I’m still very hurt.”
• “No, there’s nothing you can 
do to ever make it right. I don’t 
forgive you.”
The second and third 
responses are the most com-
mon, Worthington says, and 
you should be prepared for 
them. Don’t assume that after 
you make your apology every-
thing is going to be reconciled. 
Reconciliation is not something 
that’s granted — it’s earned. You 
should expect to have to prove 
you’re sincere.
According to Maimonides and 
the Shulchan Aruch (OH 606:1), 
when you ask someone for for-
giveness, he or she is allowed to 
turn you down. If this happens, 
you should return a second and 
third time, with three witnesses, 
and try apologizing again. If the 
victim won’t forgive you after 
three tries, then you’re consid-
ered to have atoned, even if you 
haven’t been granted forgive-
ness.
Apologizing is hard work. It’s 
great to do it before Yom Kippur, 
but the best strategy is to do it 
year-round, instead of carrying 
around all that guilt and stress 
for months.

Source: myjewishlearning.com.

OUR COMMUNITY
HIGH HOLIDAYS

continued from page 33

continued from page 33

Rabbi Baruch 
Lazewnik

“IT’S AN ICKY BUSINESS, THIS FORGIVENESS 
PROCESS. FORGIVENESS IMPLIES ERROR, 
HURT, EMBARRASSMENT, REGRET AND A 
WHOLE HOST OF FEELINGS WE TYPICALLY 

TRY VERY HARD TO AVOID.”

— NEHAMA STAMPFER GLOGOWER

