I

t seems simple. If you have 
hurt another person, you 
ought to apologize. You 
also ought to try to fix what 
you broke. If another person 
hurt you, the other person 
ought to apologize and to offer 
to make things better; you 
have a right to ask for both the 
apology and the help. 
To say that in Jewish terms, 
to repent for injuring another 
person, you need to express 
regret, to make amends and 
then you can ask for for-
giveness. Rabbi Elazar ben 
Azaryah says that “for trans-
gressions between one person 
and another, Yom Kippur does 
not cleanse a person until he 

appeases the other person.” 
(Mishnah Yoma 8:9) 
The principle seems basic, 
yet making amends also seems 
hard to do and, even if you do 
it well, it might not be accept-
ed. How often does it work 
out simply? 
This time of year, when 
many Jews rou-
tinely ask their 
acquaintances for 
forgiveness, does 
that lead to real 
change? 
Rabbi David 
Fried, who taught 
Jewish studies at Frankel 
Jewish Academy in West 
Bloomfield, recalls once when 

speaking directly worked: 
“There was a kid who would 
bully me every day on the bus 
in seventh grade. Come Yom 
Kippur time, he was going 
around asking everyone for 
mechilah (forgiveness) in the 
perfunctory way people do 
before Yom Kippur. I told him 
I’d be happy to be mochel (for-
give) him as long as he stops 
being mean to me. Kid was 
never mean to me again.”
Rabbi Baruch Lazewnik, 
who also teaches at Frankel, 
tried a different technique to 
achieve reconciliation — he 
did not get amends or even 
an apology — but he did get 
reconciliation: “In high school, 
a fellow student owed me $7. I 
told him I’d be mochel him if 
I could come to his house and 
listen to (Paul Simon’s song) 
‘The Boxer’ seven times. I was 
mochel him with all my heart 
after some 45 minutes of a 
turntable turning.”
Why did he choose that 
method? “Hard to say,” he 
explains. “I do know our 
actions resulted in both of 
us letting go of all anger and 
tension, i.e., ‘Where is my 
money?’ and ‘Can’t you wait?’”

FRACTURED 
FORGIVENESS
Nehama Stampfer Glogower, 
a hospital chaplain based in 
Ann Arbor, shares several 
experiences with apologizing. 
“It’s an icky business, 
this forgiveness process. 
Forgiveness 
implies error, 
hurt, embarrass-
ment, regret and 
a whole host of 
feelings we typi-
cally try very hard 
to avoid. But I 
have two stories 
of attempted, incomplete for-
giveness. In one case I sought 
to be forgiven, in the other 
I longed to hear an apology. 
Both remain painful memo-
ries for me, and I have learned 
from them,” she said.
“Many years ago, I publicly 
embarrassed someone. In a 
presentation on inter-mar-
riage, I called her out and said 
that, despite our friendship, 
I would not invite her for a 
Shabbat meal because she was 
intermarried. It was thought-
less and stupid and caused a 
big stir in our small Jewish 
community and badly (and 

The best way to apologize (and forgive) 
in preparation for Yom Kippur.

Making 
 Amends

LOUIS FINKELMAN CONTRIBUTING WRITER

32 | SEPTEMBER 29 • 2022 
 
 
 
 

OUR COMMUNITY
HIGH HOLIDAYS

Rabbi 
David Fried

Nehama 
Stampfer 
Glogower

