34 | SEPTEMBER 29 • 2022





“So, what did I learn?” Glogower said.
“Forgiveness and change are elusive and,
like grief, take a very long time to pro-
cess and incorporate into our life. I have
learned to think just a little more before
I speak and consider the effect I have on
other people. The world is messy and hard
and hurtful. Teshuvah (repentance) is a
brave and hopeful task and, even when
incomplete, it is worth something.”
Glogower further observes: “You know, I
hate the impersonal broadcasts of ‘If I have
offended you this past year, please forgive
me.’
“The fact of the matter is that we rarely
are acutely aware of how we have offended
others and even more rarely seek forgive-
ness. The trick is greater self-awareness.

My chaplaincy training was extraordinarily
difficult, but one handy habit I have picked
up is to constantly take my ‘emotional
temperature.’
“If I can recognize when I get angry or
defensive, I can usually stop myself from
causing too much damage. My meta-
phor is that I walked around with a giant
backpack and I was totally oblivious to
the fact that when I moved around, I was
whacking people all the time. I try to be
more deliberate these days. This has also
increased my capacity for compassion
and pity (which are not exactly the same)
toward others. Nowadays, I tell people that
it is extremely difficult to offend me unless
they are a blood relative. And that’s the
truth!”

apology. That way, when you’re
speaking with him or her, you’ll
have planned out what you’re
going to say, and you won’t be
left stammering and searching
for words.
Another thing to remember
is that the person you’re apolo-
gizing to might not be ready to
accept your apology.
Worthington says there are
basically four ways people
respond to requests for forgive-
ness:
• “Yes, I forgive you.”
• “I need more time.”
• “I can make a decision to for-
give you, but I’m still very hurt.”
• “No, there’s nothing you can
do to ever make it right. I don’t
forgive you.”
The second and third
responses are the most com-
mon, Worthington says, and
you should be prepared for
them. Don’t assume that after
you make your apology every-
thing is going to be reconciled.
Reconciliation is not something
that’s granted — it’s earned. You
should expect to have to prove
you’re sincere.
According to Maimonides and
the Shulchan Aruch (OH 606:1),
when you ask someone for for-
giveness, he or she is allowed to
turn you down. If this happens,
you should return a second and
third time, with three witnesses,
and try apologizing again. If the
victim won’t forgive you after
three tries, then you’re consid-
ered to have atoned, even if you
haven’t been granted forgive-
ness.
Apologizing is hard work. It’s
great to do it before Yom Kippur,
but the best strategy is to do it
year-round, instead of carrying
around all that guilt and stress
for months.

Source: myjewishlearning.com.

OUR COMMUNITY
HIGH HOLIDAYS

continued from page 33

continued from page 33

Rabbi Baruch
Lazewnik

“IT’S AN ICKY BUSINESS, THIS FORGIVENESS
PROCESS. FORGIVENESS IMPLIES ERROR,
HURT, EMBARRASSMENT, REGRET AND A
WHOLE HOST OF FEELINGS WE TYPICALLY

TRY VERY HARD TO AVOID.”

— NEHAMA STAMPFER GLOGOWER