10 | JULY 14 • 2022 

PURELY COMMENTARY

B

ailiff: “
All rise. 
Humiliation Court 
is now in session. 
The honorable ‘What Were 
You Thinking’ presiding. Mr. 
Muskovitz, please rise and 
raise your right 
hand. Do you 
solemnly swear 
to tell the truth, 
the whole truth 
and nothing but 
the truth, so 
help you God?”
Alan: “Yes. 
I’m not running 
for political office, so yes, I’m 
happy to tell the honest truth.
”
Bailiff: “You may be seated.
”
Alan: “I’
d rather slouch. I’m 
kind of embarrassed.
”
Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, it’s 
my understanding that on 
June 29, you pulled your SUV 
into your garage forgetting the 
trunk was open which resulted 
in top of said garage door 
hitting your trunk resulting 
in the smashing out of your 
rear window into thousands of 
shards of glass.
”
Alan: “Yes, your honor.
”
Judge: “How do plead?”
Alan: “I’m a moron, your 
honor.
”
Judge: “Let the record show 
that the defendant is a moron 
… It’s my understanding this 
is not the first moronic thing 
you’ve done to your car?”
Alan: “Yes, your honor. But 
how did you know that?”
Judge: “Your wife and 
kids revealed that in their 
depositions. … Tell the court 
about the other incidents.
”
Alan: “Well your honor, 
several years ago, I backed out 
of my garage and smashed into 
the driver side front door of my 
son’s then one-week old new 

car.
”
Judge: “I see.
”
Alan: “I’ve also backed into 
my father-in-law’s car on my 
driveway.
”
Judge: “Sounds like you have 
a lot of trouble just leaving your 
house.
” 
Alan: (Losing composure, 
sniffling.) “It would appear that 
way, your honor.
” 
Judge: “Do you need a 
moment, Mr. Muskovitz?”
Alan: (Deep breath in and 
out, dabbing a tissue to my 
eyes.) “Please, thank you, your 
honor.
”
During this brief recess, I’
d 
like to remind you that my 
humiliating stories above are 
100% true; not an ounce of 
embellishment. And I have no 
doubt there’s a few additional 
incidents in the deep recesses 
of my mind that I’m probably 
suppressing. (We now return to 
the proceedings.)
Bailiff: “Court is again in 
session.
”
Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, I 
remind you that you’re still 
under oath. Have you regained 
your composure?”
Alan: “Yes your honor, but 
I’m still working on my dignity.
”
Judge: “Mr. Muskovitz, do 
you have anything to say in 
your defense for pulling into 
your garage with your SUV’s 
trunk open, resulting in the 
smashing out of your rear 
window into thousands of 
teeny-weeny shards of glass?”
Alan: “
Actually, I do, your 
honor. Since sharing this 
incident with friends and 
family, many have come 
forward to divulge their own 
humiliating, self-inflicted 
vehicular absurdities. It turns 
out this a fairly common 

phenomenon. If it pleases the 
court, I’
d like to submit those 
stories and have them admitted 
into evidence.
”
Judge: “On what basis?” 
Alan: “Just to make me feel 
better. You know, misery loves 
company.
”
Judge: “You may proceed.
”
Alan: “Thank you, 
your honor. I swear by the 
authenticity of the following 
five stories.
“
A friend of mine pulled in 
too close on the right side of 
her two-car garage shearing 
off the right side-view mirror. 
A few weeks later, she pulled 
in too close on the left side of 
her garage and … care to take 
a guess?
“
A friend of mine attempted 
to pour a container of a half-
gallon of gas, leftover from 
filling up his boat, into his car’s 
tank. He proceeded to get the 
nozzle on the gas container 
inextricably stuck in his car’s 
fuel filler neck. That $2-$3 in 
gas resulted in $400 worth of 
repairs.
 “
A friend of mine admitted 
to me that she has twice 
damaged her garage door while 
backing out of her garage. 
Once, when she completely 
forgot to open her garage door, 
the second time when she 
didn’t wait for the garage door 
to open completely.
”
“My brother-in-law’s mother 
was having difficulty backing 
out of her one-car garage. After 

numerous turns, navigating 
back and forth, she managed to 
get her car stuck sidewise in the 
garage, requiring a tow truck to 
extricate it out.
“Finally, this last story 
didn’t result in damages to 
an automobile, only to my 
mother’s pride. It’s an all-time 
Muskovitz family favorite. 
Many years ago, my mother left 
a neighbor’s house, got into her 
car, and proceeded to scream: 
‘They’ve stolen my steering 
wheel!’ I’m not sure how long 
the shock took to wear off 
before my mom realized she 
was sitting in the back seat of 
her car … Your honor, I rest 
my case.
”
Judge: “Very compelling, 
Mr. Muskovitz. Rather than 
admonish you more than you 
have already admonished 
yourself, let me remind you 
that is why these unfortunate 
unintentional mishaps are 
called …
”
Alan: “I know, I know … 
accidents.
” 
Judge: “
And you can’t spell 
accidents without ‘dents.
’” 
(Judge laughs.)
Alan: “That hurts, your 
honor.
” 
Judge: (Gavel is struck.) 
“Humiliation Court is 
adjourned.
” 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker and emcee. 

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com, 

”Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at 

amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.

for fun

Bumper Cars

Alan 
Muskovitz
 Contributing 
Writer

