4 | JUNE 16 • 2022
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My Life as the Queen
M
azel tov, Queen Elizabeth! Our
friends from across the pond
pulled out all the stops June
2-5 to celebrate Her Majesty the Queen’s
Platinum Jubilee. The four-day celebration
commemorated Elizabeth’s
70th year on the throne and,
not once in all those years, my
sources tell me, have her legs
fallen asleep.
It is the longest reign for
any British monarch, just
don’t bring that up in front
of her son Prince Charles.
While the Queen has been slowing down
of late and skipped a few Jubilee events due
to age-related issues, there’s still no word on
when QE2 intends to hand over the keys to
the castle to Chuck.
The Prince of Wales, of course, is the
heir apparent. But you can’t spell “apparent”
without “parent,
” and his mum isn’t ready to
entrust him with the family business just yet.
Perhaps Liz can’t retire because, like a lot of
us, her 401K has been tanking lately.
I’m not an authority on all things royal,
but as former listeners to the Dick Purtan
radio show may recall, I did portray Her
Majesty on the air, with supporting Purtan’s
People impersonating Charles and his sons
William and Harry. The Royals’ antics pro-
vided us with years of good fodder for our
comedy sketches.
I’ve referenced my royal radio connection
in previous issues over the years, perhaps
most notably my meeting and interviewing
the real Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.
She was in town as a spokesperson for
Florine Mark and Weight Watchers.
However, allow me to indulge you with
a few new tidbits of, or should I say crum-
pets of, behind-the-scenes details about the
escapades that ensued upon the creation of
my Queen Elizabeth character for Detroit
radio waves. I’ll call this, with apologies, my
Jewbilee.
The Queen was not a voice I was looking
to impersonate with any degree of accura-
cy — we simply made her a character. For
that I used a high-pitched English accent.
Remember, radio is the theater of the mind.
Ironically, it would be an actual theater that
would take my Queen shtick to a whole new
level. That theater, rather fittingly, was the
Royal Oak Music Theater on Fourth Street
in downtown Royal Oak.
The occasion was the first annual Dick
Purtan’s Comedy Night Out in July of 2007,
benefitting the Gail Purtan (of blessed
memory) Ovarian Cancer Research Fund.
It included a star-studded line-up of come-
dians with special guest star (drum roll) …
Tim Allen!
The Michigan native and superstar of
television and film has known Dick for years
and has generously donated to several of his
causes. He graciously agreed to appear for
a very rare standup performance. But wait,
there’s more!
The evening would be the debut of (drum
roll again, please) me dressed up as the
Queen! My appearance was a secret to the
sold-out audience until a spotlight shone on
me from high atop a balcony revealing yours
truly in a matronly gown, pearls, white lace
gloves, gray wig and a large hat. I was the
belle of the ball!
I screeched out a hearty “hellooooooo”
and acknowledged the royal roar of a recep-
tion with a trademark Queenly slow-motion
hand gesture — a cupped hand with a slight
twist of the wrist. With apologies to Leo
DiCaprio from Titanic — I was the Queen of
the world!
In the years to come, I would make sev-
eral royal appearances. As part of a WOMC
radio station promotion, I was the guest of
honor at a couple’s wedding who got mar-
ried at a White Castle restaurant. The FOX 2
Detroit morning show had me on set in
costume providing expert analysis of
William and Kate’s royal wedding. Oh dear!
Wait, there’s still more!
I independently produced a video during
the royal wedding coverage that had me
dancing to, what else, Abba’s Dancing Queen!
I hired the services of local PR guru Carolyn
Krieger, owner of CKC agency, to promote
the video with the hope of securing appear-
ances on national talk shows.
An NBC executive overseeing late night
programming kindly responded, only to
inform me they had already employed
the services of Australian comedian Barry
Humphries, famous for his/her character
Dame Edna. But we did get a bite from an
Ellen DeGeneres producer who showed
some interest! Until they didn’t. A royal dis-
appointment, but not all was lost.
The pièce de résistance came when a
prominent local ad agency saw my Dancing
Queen video on YouTube and hired me to
address a corporate meeting in front of 1,000
guests plus a national satellite audience.
I had one obstacle before agreeing to
the appearance. By an unbelievable coinci-
dence and unbeknownst to the ad agency,
my daughter Amy had literally just been
hired by the firm and would actually be in
attendance at her first big meeting! Oh, the
horror!
But I only agreed to make the appearance
with her blessing … which she gave me! I
went on to provide some “royal” humor that
fateful day, and my daughter put up with the
humiliation of her “royal” pain of a father …
yet again. Hey, it pays the bills.
Ta, ta for now!
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent,
speaker and emcee. Visit his website at laughwith-
bigal.com, “Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at
amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.
Alan
Muskovitz
PURELY COMMENTARY
Alan Muskovitz as Queen Elizabeth