FEBRUARY 3 • 2022 | 9

30-plus minutes. So, that meant 
more time for togetherness as a 
couple, which sounded good for 
our relationship, but also felt a bit 
strange to both of us for different 
reasons.
Obviously, we had no idea 
what we were facing. This is not 
a story about one of us coming 
down with COVID. But that 
doesn’t mean it was smooth sail-
ing for our marriage (or yours?).
Our responses to the threat 
of getting the virus were quite 
different. Leslie went into protect 
mode. I went into denial mode. 
Well, it wasn’t quite that dramatic 
a difference, but it certainly put 
a strain on our relationship. I felt 
Leslie was being over-protective 
and germophobic; she felt I was 
acting as if the pandemic were 
not happening. And some of 
the same old issues between us 
were triggered in a new way. 
My retirement intensified our 
dilemma.
Before I write more about the 
challenges and ups and downs 
of relating as a couple during 
these times, I want to emphasize 
that the most crucial decision 
we each had to make was to 
accept the idea that now, perhaps 
more than ever, our relationship 
required work from both of us. 
We recalled the lessons we had 
learned from Jewish Marriage 
Encounter. Everything else 
flowed from that decision. It 
reflected us back to our early 
years of marriage. How would I 
respond to the loss of my valued 
outside activities? How would we 
fill our time together in a mean-
ingful way, now housebound? 
How would we stay connected 
with friends and family?
We developed a pod with our 
children and grandchildren. We 
set up some regular Zoom calls 
with friends, which evolved into 
outdoor dinners in better weath-
er. I discovered online bridge and 
poker. And, most significantly, 
we agreed to develop a plan 

for activities that we could do 
together at home. We realized 
that simply being in the house 
together 24/7 did not mean we 
were “there together.
” My inter-
ests in puzzles and games which 
serve to exercise my mind and 
distract me from a tendency to 
obsess about my worries would 
be a big challenge. Our com-
peting interests: internet articles 

versus sports, exercise and cards; 
different types of movies and TV 
programs; time spent with family 
versus Zoom time spent with 
friends ... also were potential 
obstacles to feeling connected 
with each other. 

FINDING 
COMMON GROUND
We started by searching for some 
common activities. We began to 
work on jigsaw puzzles together, 
while listening to our favorite 
types of music. The commitment 
to that fairly innocuous activity 
felt like a reboot to confirming 
our commitment to each other. 
 While we puzzled, we often 
ended up talking about our kids 
or stories from our pasts. A long 
marriage has so many shared 
stories. Many times, we just lis-
tened to music, and each worked 
on our side of the puzzle. We 
rediscovered 500 Rummy, which 
provided some (usually) healthy 
competition. We looked for 
opportunities to sing together.

We also agreed that we would 
try to find TV shows in the 
evening that we both wanted 
to watch, rather than sitting in 
separate rooms. I agreed to limit 
my online bridge games, and 
I decided to be more choosy 
about which sports events were 
important or compelling enough 
for me to watch. It helped that 
our Detroit teams were so crum-

my at this time. We agreed not 
to multi-task while we were in 
couple TV watching mode. 
We committed to taking 
a walk in the neighborhood 
together every day, unless the 
weather was ridiculous. We 
always found something to 
talk about on our walks and it 
encouraged both of us to get out-
side. I continued my daily bike 
rides, but I often postponed my 
walks until Leslie was available. 
I also continued to find a way to 
swim three times a week, which 
was very helpful for my chronic 
back problems. At times, this 
led to disagreements about the 
COVID safety of this activity, but 
Leslie understood how much I 
needed to do this.
I also began to take on a more 
significant role in the kitchen. I 
had always helped with cleanup, 
but, in retrospect, I have acted as 
if food appeared magically on the 
table at dinner time. We began to 
make lunches side by side, put-
ting carrots on each other’s plate, 

along with chips on mine for 
every lunch and on Leslie’s only 
with tuna fish sandwiches. 
 And, most significantly, I 
became the salad chef at dinner 
time and the sous chef for more 
complicated recipes. I learned 
how to measure ingredients a la 
Leslie. I learned how to cut vege-
tables her way. But it was clearly 
still her kitchen. At times, I felt 
she was being too nitpicky about 
how I did my assigned tasks. She 
often felt I was doing things the 
wrong way. We had a number of 
tense moments. We found a way 
to talk these complicated issues 
out, after first putting down our 
knives and sharp objects.
Even with these together 
times, we still often find we 
lose track of each other. I can 
get very absorbed in my music, 
puzzles or games. I often have 
to be reminded that my wife is 
in the house. Leslie’s response 
to COVID was to have a height-
ened awareness about cleanliness 
and safety, which often led to my 
feeling monitored or controlled, 
since I tend to be more cavalier 
about things like washing my 
hands properly.
But we continued to agree to 
try look for each other and talk 
things out. Again, it was the deci-
sion we made to pay attention to 
our relationship to keep it alive 
that was the most crucial step in 
the process. And we made one 
other decision. At least once a 
day we agreed to come to togeth-
er for a real hug. Not just a kiss 
or touch. A real long hug.
So here we are back home 
again. And God willing, one day, 
we will have to start working 
on how to stay connected once 
we feel able to leave the house 
more frequently. But I guess we’ll 
just have to cross that bridge — 
hopefully together — when we 
come to it. 

Dr. Jeff London is a retired child psychia-

trist from Farmington Hills.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE continued from page 6

