DECEMBER 16 • 2021 | 9

mostly the room was filled
with people who simply knew
who I was. Assumptions
were made about my comfort
embracing others, which was
understandable, given my
hugging history. There were
people present whom I would
have wished to hug, but I felt
compromised and watched,
unable to make decisions
freely.
When I informed people
that I was uncomfortable
with hugs, some ignored
me and hugged me anyway.
Some became angry, some
argued. “I’ve been waiting
for this hug!” One person
told me, “I need it!” It was
a shock to feel this kind of
demand and, in that moment,
I realized how compromised
I have always been by this
behavior. It wasn’t a mitzvah;
it was a violation. Though the
gathering was a sweet one, I
left shaken.
It was hard to hold
many different feelings
simultaneously that night, to
observe them as I navigated a
complicated space for myself.
I witnessed myself feeling
resentful, guilty and angry,
aware of the healing power
of hugs, wishing with all of
me that the broken people
of the world receive the love
they need, especially in the
aftermath of such devastating
physical loneliness. But is it
my job to give that to them?
Is it my responsibility to heal
others with my embrace?
Should it ever have been?
These questions and ensuing
conversations are their own
healing as well. There must
be ways to comfort each
other without violating one
another.
As we step slowly, carefully,

back into “regular” life,
people will reenter physical
spaces with all kinds of
needs, expectations and new
dynamics after being apart
for so long. Some will choose
to remain 6 feet apart, some
will wear masks, some will
wear more than four masks.
Some will act as if there never
was a pandemic to begin
with. Some will ache to dive
back into life, maskless and
exuberant, declaring they
are no longer afraid. Some
will exclusively elbow bump.
Some will find comfort in
the “masked side hug.” Some
will be frightened to touch
at all. Some will be calm
and subdued, some will cry.
Some will simply watch it all
unfold, unsure of themselves.
We will not be the same as we
return.
But, in all cases and in
every interaction, there
must be consent. We mustn’t
make assumptions about
each other. My needs are not
yours; your needs are not
mine. Neither of us has the
right to impose them upon
each other. Mutual respect
must be the first step as we
walk back into life.
As we return to the world,
may we be brave and explore
a place we’ve never been. I
pray that we allow ourselves
the gift of a reset. That would
be a mitzvah.

Neshama Carlebach is an award-

winning singer, songwriter and

educator who has performed and

taught in cities around the world.

A six-time entrant in the Grammy

Awards and winner and four-time

Independent Music Awards Nominee

for her most current release, Believe,

Neshama has sold over 1 million

records, making her one of today’s

best-selling Jewish artists in the world.

First published at Times of Israel.

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