DECEMBER 16 • 2021 | 9

mostly the room was filled 
with people who simply knew 
who I was. Assumptions 
were made about my comfort 
embracing others, which was 
understandable, given my 
hugging history. There were 
people present whom I would 
have wished to hug, but I felt 
compromised and watched, 
unable to make decisions 
freely. 
 When I informed people 
that I was uncomfortable 
with hugs, some ignored 
me and hugged me anyway. 
Some became angry, some 
argued. “I’ve been waiting 
for this hug!” One person 
told me, “I need it!” It was 
a shock to feel this kind of 
demand and, in that moment, 
I realized how compromised 
I have always been by this 
behavior. It wasn’t a mitzvah; 
it was a violation. Though the 
gathering was a sweet one, I 
left shaken.
It was hard to hold 
many different feelings 
simultaneously that night, to 
observe them as I navigated a 
complicated space for myself. 
I witnessed myself feeling 
resentful, guilty and angry, 
aware of the healing power 
of hugs, wishing with all of 
me that the broken people 
of the world receive the love 
they need, especially in the 
aftermath of such devastating 
physical loneliness. But is it 
my job to give that to them? 
Is it my responsibility to heal 
others with my embrace? 
Should it ever have been? 
These questions and ensuing 
conversations are their own 
healing as well. There must 
be ways to comfort each 
other without violating one 
another.
As we step slowly, carefully, 

back into “regular” life, 
people will reenter physical 
spaces with all kinds of 
needs, expectations and new 
dynamics after being apart 
for so long. Some will choose 
to remain 6 feet apart, some 
will wear masks, some will 
wear more than four masks. 
Some will act as if there never 
was a pandemic to begin 
with. Some will ache to dive 
back into life, maskless and 
exuberant, declaring they 
are no longer afraid. Some 
will exclusively elbow bump. 
Some will find comfort in 
the “masked side hug.” Some 
will be frightened to touch 
at all. Some will be calm 
and subdued, some will cry. 
Some will simply watch it all 
unfold, unsure of themselves. 
We will not be the same as we 
return.
But, in all cases and in 
every interaction, there 
must be consent. We mustn’t 
make assumptions about 
each other. My needs are not 
yours; your needs are not 
mine. Neither of us has the 
right to impose them upon 
each other. Mutual respect 
must be the first step as we 
walk back into life.
As we return to the world, 
may we be brave and explore 
a place we’ve never been. I 
pray that we allow ourselves 
the gift of a reset. That would 
be a mitzvah. 

Neshama Carlebach is an award-

winning singer, songwriter and 

educator who has performed and 

taught in cities around the world. 

A six-time entrant in the Grammy 

Awards and winner and four-time 

Independent Music Awards Nominee 

for her most current release, Believe, 

Neshama has sold over 1 million 

records, making her one of today’s 

best-selling Jewish artists in the world. 

First published at Times of Israel.

C
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