4 | OCTOBER 14 • 2021 

for openers

I’m Drowning in Sportsbook Ads!
I

t was going to take a lot 
to supplant my No. 1 
pet peeve on radio and 
television, but its finally 
happened. For years, that title 
has been held 
by prescription 
drug companies 
and their 
insanely long list 
of potential side 
effects warnings 
tagged at the 
end of their 
commercials. 
Many disclaimers range 
between 35-45 seconds — 
equal to or longer than the 
time spent talking about the 
good virtues of a drug.
“Take this pill,” we are told, 
to ease your suffering from 
constipation, irritable bowel, 
migraine headaches, elevated 
blood sugar and arthritis, 
just to name a few, but … be 
forewarned! 
Despite treating your latest 
medical malady, taking this 
pill might make you dizzy, 
nauseous, have vivid dreams, 
give you a dry mouth, muscle 
pain, a rash, hives, experience 
weight gain, make you put 
your right foot in, make you 
put your right foot out, shake 
it all about, do the hokey 
pokey and turn yourself 
around and, worst of all, you 
may get the uncontrollable 
urge to watch a Lions game. 
All of that followed by the 
announcer who has the gall 
to say: “
Ask your doctor if it’s 
right for you.”
By the time they’ve 
exhausted the list of 
symptoms, I actually start 
experiencing them. For that 

same reason, I never read 
the list of side effects on a 
prescription medicine I pick 
up at the drug store. That’s 
a real no-no when you’re a 
card-carrying hypochondriac 
like me. 
So, what’s currently showing 
up on radio and television 
that is so annoying to me that 
it makes me actually yearn 
for more prescription drug 
commercials? It’s the never-
ending advertising pitches 
for online sports betting, 
or as they are commonly 
called — sportsbooks. You 
… can’t … get … a …way 
… from … them! According 
to my internet search, there 
appears to be 14 legal online 
sportsbooks in Michigan to 
choose from. 
Do you recall the episode of 
Seinfeld where Kramer would 
literally go into a seizure every 
time he heard entertainment 
reporter Mary Hart’s voice on 
television? I’m approaching 
that level of adverse reaction 
every time I hear an online 
sportsbook promotion.
The fact is: Sports betting 
promotions have taken over 
every media platform. I see 
them constantly popping up 
ad nauseam while scrolling 
through Facebook. So much 
so that I find myself yearning 
for more Facebook posts 
about other people’s vacations.
In researching this betting 
phenomenon, I learned that 
sportsbooks are a lot more 
than just wagering on the 
final score of a sporting event. 
You can indulge in “in-game 
betting.” During a football 
game you can bet on the 

outcome of the next play. Will 
it be a completed pass, an 
incomplete pass or a turnover? 
For hockey, you can place a 
bet during a game on which 
player will score the next 
goal. In basketball, you can 
place a bet on how many 
three-pointers will be scored 
in a quarter. I wouldn’t be 
surprised if one day you’ll be 
able wager on which baseball 
player spits out the most 
sunflower seeds in an inning.
If it’s available, I’m hoping 
I can bet the “over” on the 
over/under on how many 
fans will leave at halftime of 
this weekend’s Lions home 
game against the Cincinnati 
Bengals. Care to make a wager 
on whether I come up with 
a third Lions joke in this 
column?
I believe repetitive sports 
book messaging is creating 
a conditioned response in 
humans, much like Russian 
physiologist Pavlov did when 
he got dogs to salivate every 

time they heard a bell. Hear 
a sportsbook commercial 
enough, we will eventually 
feel compelled to immediately 
grab our smart phones 
(salivate if you want) and 
place a bet upon hearing it. 
Actually, I do salivate when I 
hear my doorbell ring. That 
means my pizza has arrived.
I have a suggestion, leave 
the wagering on sportsbooks 
to others and spend time 
reading sports books that have 
a better payoff — like reading 
any one of 10 books by local 
writer Irwin Cohen. Fabulous 
reads by Irwin include stories 
about Tiger Stadium and 
Jewish Detroit history which 
can be found at Borenstein’s 
Books in Oak Park and on 
Amazon.
Until next time, I bet you 
adieu. Bid you adieu, sorry. 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker and emcee. 

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com, 

“Like” Al on Facebook and reach him 

at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.

Alan 
Muskovitz
Contributing 
Writer

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