4 | JULY 8 • 2021

for openers

The Truth Is Out There
O

n June 25, the
U.S. government
released the long
anticipated unclassified report
on unidentified flying objects
(UFOs) or as
the military
officially refers
to them —
Unidentified
Aerial
Phenomena
(UAP). You can
go online and
read the nine-page report
for yourself from the Office
of the Director of National
Intelligence (ODNI), which
confirmed 144 different
sightings. It’s provided in
English, Spanish and Vulcan.
The sightings occurred
between 2004 and 2021
and, as the report describes,
the incidents fall into
“five potential explanatory
categories: airborne clutter,
natural atmospheric
phenomena, U.S. industry
developmental programs,
foreign adversary systems,”
and what they literally are
calling a catchall “other” bin.
Ah, the always convenient,
nondescript “other” bin. If
that isn’t code for “they’re
keeping something from us,”
nothing is.
This report got me
thinking. (Always a dangerous
proposition.) If, in fact, these
UAP are visitors from another
world, they must certainly
know by this intelligence
report that we are finally on
to them. And I believe they’re
meeting as we speak to figure
out what their next move will
be and … it would sound

something like this:
We hear a gavel as Dork,
the commander of the
Alien Interplanetary Space
Commission, calls the
meeting to order.
Dork: My fellow aliens, it
appears that the cat is out of
the bag. We have finally been
discovered by the Earthlings.
Zork: Commander Dork …
Dork: Yes, Zork?
Zork: What is a cat and why
was it in a bag?
Dork: “The cat is out of
the bag” is an Earthling
expression that means
something is no longer a
secret, namely our visits
to Earth. A cat is a loving
companion to humans found
in 68% of U.S. households.
To the remaining 32% of
households, cats are annoying,
selfish mammals with no
redeeming value.
Bork, I see you have three
of your seven hands raised.
Your question?
Bork: Is the rumor true that
you’ve brought us together to
announce we will return to
planet Earth and finally reveal

ourselves to its inhabitants?
Dork: Yes, that’s true. But
how did you know that? That
was top secret information.
Bork: It’s posted on all
our planet’s social media
platforms. Speaking of which,
Commander, I saw you
updated your profile picture
on your NoFacebook page
(these aliens have no faces)
… and may I say you look
fantastic. (They also have eyes
in the back of their three giant
heads.)
Dork: Thank you, Bork.
That reminds me, thank
you to the 3,210 of you who
wished me a happy birthday
on NoFacebook. I’m sorry I’ve
been a bit behind on replying.
OK, where was I?
Gork: You were confirming
we will return to Earth and
reveal ourselves in person to
the humans.
Dork: Yes, thank you, Gork.
OK, listen up. Our spaceships
are scheduled to leave for
Earth the day after tomorrow.
You will be allowed only one
carry-on. And as a token of
our appreciation, you will

all receive 30 lightyears in
miles. (Cheers of approval.)
Oh, and one other thing …
you still have to wear masks.
(Loud groans are heard) Any
questions?
Fork: I have a question,
Dork.
Dork: Yes, Fork?
Fork: Why are we returning
to Earth again? Have you
watched cable news? Do you
see how these Earthlings
behave? They’re nuts!
Dork: (Rolls the eyes in the
back of his heads in disgust.)
I know, I know, but if we don’t
go now, we’ll lose the chance
to win a million dollars by
getting vaccinated. (Everyone
acknowledges the point by
nodding their giant heads
in the affirmative.) OK, now
who remembers what the
two most important things
are during our intergalactic
journey?
Pork: I know! I know!
Dork: Yes, Pork? The two
things?
Pork: Go to the bathroom
before we leave for Earth and
never ask “are we there yet?”
Dork: Bingo! Well done.
Oh, one other thing. Anyone
know why Cork didn’t shown
up today?
York: I heard he was caught
in a bottleneck.
Gork: Gotcha. Thanks,
York. See everyone at the
spaceship-port. Remember,
we’ll meet at the Starbucks.

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker and emcee.

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.

com,“Like” Al on Facebook and reach

him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.

com.

Alan
Muskovitz

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