4 | JULY 8 • 2021 

for openers

The Truth Is Out There
O

n June 25, the 
U.S. government 
released the long 
anticipated unclassified report 
on unidentified flying objects 
(UFOs) or as 
the military 
officially refers 
to them — 
Unidentified 
Aerial 
Phenomena 
(UAP). You can 
go online and 
read the nine-page report 
for yourself from the Office 
of the Director of National 
Intelligence (ODNI), which 
confirmed 144 different 
sightings. It’s provided in 
English, Spanish and Vulcan.
The sightings occurred 
between 2004 and 2021 
and, as the report describes, 
the incidents fall into 
“five potential explanatory 
categories: airborne clutter, 
natural atmospheric 
phenomena, U.S. industry 
developmental programs, 
foreign adversary systems,” 
and what they literally are 
calling a catchall “other” bin. 
Ah, the always convenient, 
nondescript “other” bin. If 
that isn’t code for “they’re 
keeping something from us,” 
nothing is.
This report got me 
thinking. (Always a dangerous 
proposition.) If, in fact, these 
UAP are visitors from another 
world, they must certainly 
know by this intelligence 
report that we are finally on 
to them. And I believe they’re 
meeting as we speak to figure 
out what their next move will 
be and … it would sound 

something like this: 
We hear a gavel as Dork, 
the commander of the 
Alien Interplanetary Space 
Commission, calls the 
meeting to order. 
Dork: My fellow aliens, it 
appears that the cat is out of 
the bag. We have finally been 
discovered by the Earthlings. 
Zork: Commander Dork … 
Dork: Yes, Zork?
Zork: What is a cat and why 
was it in a bag?
Dork: “The cat is out of 
the bag” is an Earthling 
expression that means 
something is no longer a 
secret, namely our visits 
to Earth. A cat is a loving 
companion to humans found 
in 68% of U.S. households. 
To the remaining 32% of 
households, cats are annoying, 
selfish mammals with no 
redeeming value. 
Bork, I see you have three 
of your seven hands raised. 
Your question?
Bork: Is the rumor true that 
you’ve brought us together to 
announce we will return to 
planet Earth and finally reveal 

ourselves to its inhabitants?
Dork: Yes, that’s true. But 
how did you know that? That 
was top secret information. 
Bork: It’s posted on all 
our planet’s social media 
platforms. Speaking of which, 
Commander, I saw you 
updated your profile picture 
on your NoFacebook page 
(these aliens have no faces) 
… and may I say you look 
fantastic. (They also have eyes 
in the back of their three giant 
heads.) 
Dork: Thank you, Bork. 
That reminds me, thank 
you to the 3,210 of you who 
wished me a happy birthday 
on NoFacebook. I’m sorry I’ve 
been a bit behind on replying. 
OK, where was I?
Gork: You were confirming 
we will return to Earth and 
reveal ourselves in person to 
the humans.
Dork: Yes, thank you, Gork. 
OK, listen up. Our spaceships 
are scheduled to leave for 
Earth the day after tomorrow. 
You will be allowed only one 
carry-on. And as a token of 
our appreciation, you will 

all receive 30 lightyears in 
miles. (Cheers of approval.) 
Oh, and one other thing … 
you still have to wear masks. 
(Loud groans are heard) Any 
questions?
Fork: I have a question, 
Dork.
Dork: Yes, Fork?
Fork: Why are we returning 
to Earth again? Have you 
watched cable news? Do you 
see how these Earthlings 
behave? They’re nuts!
Dork: (Rolls the eyes in the 
back of his heads in disgust.) 
I know, I know, but if we don’t 
go now, we’ll lose the chance 
to win a million dollars by 
getting vaccinated. (Everyone 
acknowledges the point by 
nodding their giant heads 
in the affirmative.) OK, now 
who remembers what the 
two most important things 
are during our intergalactic 
journey? 
Pork: I know! I know! 
Dork: Yes, Pork? The two 
things?
Pork: Go to the bathroom 
before we leave for Earth and 
never ask “are we there yet?”
Dork: Bingo! Well done. 
Oh, one other thing. Anyone 
know why Cork didn’t shown 
up today?
York: I heard he was caught 
in a bottleneck.
Gork: Gotcha. Thanks, 
York. See everyone at the 
spaceship-port. Remember, 
we’ll meet at the Starbucks. 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker and emcee. 

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.

com,“Like” Al on Facebook and reach 

him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.

com.

Alan 
Muskovitz

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