JULY 2 • 2020 | 5
Views
for openers
Thank You,
YouTube
H
ave you taken advan-
tage of Michigan’
s
updated limited
capacity dine-in rules in
restaurants? Not
me. I remain
steadfast in my
skittishness to
venture too
close to anyone.
I won’
t even get
within 6 feet of
my reflection
in a mirror. On the plus side,
I’
ve finally gotten used to using
a 6-foot long toothbrush. I
almost convinced someone the
other day that my gastroenter-
ologist was social distancing by
using 6-foot poles to perform
colonoscopies.
I did, however, after a four-
month hiatus, finally cave to
pick up my first carryout —
but not without a trial run.
My first attempt at ordering
curbside from Jersey Bagel at
14 Mile and Farmington Road
earlier in the pandemic ended
like a delayed rocket launch at
Cape Canaveral.
It was no fault of Jersey
Bagel. I knew they were fol-
lowing all the health guide-
lines. But after spending 20
minutes staring at their front
door and just within seconds
from liftoff, I aborted my
carryout phone call from the
parking lot and held off order-
ing. I… just … couldn’
t … do
… it.
A few days ago, with my
appetite thrusters on full throt-
tle, I called Jersey Bagel and
picked up at curbside their
“Morning Stimulus” breakfast
sandwich. Pre-pandemic, I
would’
ve taken a bite at the
first traffic light I came to. But,
oh no, I had to wait until I
arrived home and removed the
bagel out of its carryout box
with the precision of a neu-
rosurgeon on the table in our
garage reserved for cleaning
incoming products.
It had been four months
since I had a breakfast sand-
wich. When my teeth landed
on the multi-grain surface, I
audibly moaned: “The bagel
has landed.
” Yep, one small bite
for me, one giant appetite for
this man-child.
I invited our first repairman
into our home a few days ago.
He wore a mask and gloves.
And he was very patient trying
to hear me through my hazmat
suit encased in bubble wrap.
I’
ve been turning to tutorials
on YouTube for less urgent
repairs. I am sooooo proud of
myself. The spring on my age-
less 747 Swingline Stapler had
become unhooked and, yes,
to those of you whose moron
alerts just went off, it’
s a more
complicated repair than you
think. Just ask the 26,000 plus
people, yes, 26,000 people who
watched the same video as me
looking for stapler spring reat-
tachment help.
Thank goodness I didn’
t
have to fix the spring on
a Swingline 545 stapler.
Apparently, that’
s a more
widespread problem, as evi-
denced by the 421,000 views
on YouTube! Don’
t believe me?
Go to YouTube and watch it
yourself. Yep, I found myself
binge watching stapler repair
videos. Who needs Netflix?!
When cleaning products
were in short supply, YouTube
taught us how to create home-
made solutions. And as pathet-
ic as it is for me to admit,
when I was tasked with a sim-
ple cooking chore, I searched
out a how-to-boil-eggs tutorial.
Make fun of me if you will, but
I was one of 1.2 million other
views! By admitting this I may
have egg on my face, but at
least I know how to boil them
now.
You’
re lucky I’
m at my word
limit. I don’
t have enough
space left to tell you about
the YouTube video I recently
watched on how to clean my
CPAP machine equipment.
Unfortunately, I fell asleep
before it was over.
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/
acting talent, speaker, and emcee.
Visit his website at laughwithbigal.
com,“Like” Al on Facebook and reach
him at amuskovitz@renmedia.us.
Alan
Muskovitz
letters
Support Criminal
Justice Reform
Uprisings are surging around the
country and world in response to
the horrific police killing of George
Floyd, while Black communities
continue to suffer on the front
lines of COVID-19 and police vio-
lence. As a member of Detroit Jews
for Justice, I have been heartened
to see DJN’
s call to action around
racial justice in this moment of
collective awakening. The next
step in our journey to racial justice
will lie with the county prosecu-
tor offices, which have the power
to end police brutality and mass
incarceration at a local level.
This conversation about the
inequities of our criminal justice
system is long overdue. We have
been failing poor people and peo-
ple of color, who are dispropor-
tionately the targets of our policing
and prison systems, for many
decades. The ACLU and Michigan
Liberation know what it takes to
make these changes — and DJJ
is following their lead. They urge
voters to support candidates who
will embrace a smarter approach to
criminal justice that includes cash
bail reform, greater accessibility
to diversion and treatment pro-
grams, expungement for marijuana
convictions for amounts that are
now legal and the resentencing of
people serving juvenile life without
parole. I encourage readers to visit
smartjusticemi.org to see where
county prosecutor candidates
across the state stand on these
important issues.
Jewish tradition teaches us to
appoint leaders in our courts who
pursue true justice and impartial-
ity. As Jewish voters, we have the
opportunity to reimagine a justice
system that protects its citizens and
prioritizes community safety for
all. To get involved, visit detroit-
jewsforjustice.org and miliberation.
org.
— Seth Archambault
Michigan Liberation Liaison,
Detroit Jews for Justice
Alan shows off his
stapler repair.
continued on page 8