 JULY 2 • 2020 | 5

Views

for openers
Thank You, 
YouTube
H

ave you taken advan-
tage of Michigan’
s 
updated limited 
capacity dine-in rules in 
restaurants? Not 
me. I remain 
steadfast in my 
skittishness to 
venture too 
close to anyone. 
I won’
t even get 
within 6 feet of 
my reflection 
in a mirror. On the plus side, 
I’
ve finally gotten used to using 
a 6-foot long toothbrush. I 
almost convinced someone the 
other day that my gastroenter-
ologist was social distancing by 
using 6-foot poles to perform 
colonoscopies.
I did, however, after a four-
month hiatus, finally cave to 
pick up my first carryout — 
but not without a trial run. 
My first attempt at ordering 
curbside from Jersey Bagel at 
14 Mile and Farmington Road 
earlier in the pandemic ended 
like a delayed rocket launch at 
Cape Canaveral.
It was no fault of Jersey 
Bagel. I knew they were fol-
lowing all the health guide-
lines. But after spending 20 
minutes staring at their front 
door and just within seconds 
from liftoff, I aborted my 
carryout phone call from the 
parking lot and held off order-
ing. I… just … couldn’
t … do 
… it. 
A few days ago, with my 
appetite thrusters on full throt-
tle, I called Jersey Bagel and 
picked up at curbside their 
“Morning Stimulus” breakfast 
sandwich. Pre-pandemic, I 

would’
ve taken a bite at the 
first traffic light I came to. But, 
oh no, I had to wait until I 
arrived home and removed the 
bagel out of its carryout box 
with the precision of a neu-
rosurgeon on the table in our 
garage reserved for cleaning 
incoming products. 
It had been four months 
since I had a breakfast sand-
wich. When my teeth landed 
on the multi-grain surface, I 
audibly moaned: “The bagel 
has landed.
” Yep, one small bite 
for me, one giant appetite for 
this man-child. 
I invited our first repairman 
into our home a few days ago. 
He wore a mask and gloves. 
And he was very patient trying 
to hear me through my hazmat 
suit encased in bubble wrap.
I’
ve been turning to tutorials 
on YouTube for less urgent 
repairs. I am sooooo proud of 
myself. The spring on my age-
less 747 Swingline Stapler had 
become unhooked and, yes, 
to those of you whose moron 
alerts just went off, it’
s a more 
complicated repair than you 
think. Just ask the 26,000 plus 
people, yes, 26,000 people who 
watched the same video as me 
looking for stapler spring reat-
tachment help.
Thank goodness I didn’
t 

have to fix the spring on 
a Swingline 545 stapler. 
Apparently, that’
s a more 
widespread problem, as evi-
denced by the 421,000 views 
on YouTube! Don’
t believe me? 
Go to YouTube and watch it 
yourself. Yep, I found myself 
binge watching stapler repair 
videos. Who needs Netflix?!
When cleaning products 
were in short supply, YouTube 
taught us how to create home-
made solutions. And as pathet-
ic as it is for me to admit, 
when I was tasked with a sim-
ple cooking chore, I searched 
out a how-to-boil-eggs tutorial. 
Make fun of me if you will, but 
I was one of 1.2 million other 
views! By admitting this I may 
have egg on my face, but at 
least I know how to boil them 
now. 
You’
re lucky I’
m at my word 
limit. I don’
t have enough 
space left to tell you about 
the YouTube video I recently 
watched on how to clean my 
CPAP machine equipment. 
Unfortunately, I fell asleep 
before it was over. 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker, and emcee. 

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.

com,“Like” Al on Facebook and reach 

him at amuskovitz@renmedia.us.

Alan 
Muskovitz

letters

Support Criminal 
Justice Reform
Uprisings are surging around the 
country and world in response to 
the horrific police killing of George 
Floyd, while Black communities 
continue to suffer on the front 
lines of COVID-19 and police vio-
lence. As a member of Detroit Jews 
for Justice, I have been heartened 
to see DJN’
s call to action around 
racial justice in this moment of 
collective awakening. The next 
step in our journey to racial justice 
will lie with the county prosecu-
tor offices, which have the power 
to end police brutality and mass 
incarceration at a local level. 
This conversation about the 
inequities of our criminal justice 
system is long overdue. We have 
been failing poor people and peo-
ple of color, who are dispropor-
tionately the targets of our policing 
and prison systems, for many 
decades. The ACLU and Michigan 
Liberation know what it takes to 
make these changes — and DJJ 
is following their lead. They urge 
voters to support candidates who 
will embrace a smarter approach to 
criminal justice that includes cash 
bail reform, greater accessibility 
to diversion and treatment pro-
grams, expungement for marijuana 
convictions for amounts that are 
now legal and the resentencing of 
people serving juvenile life without 
parole. I encourage readers to visit 
smartjusticemi.org to see where 
county prosecutor candidates 
across the state stand on these 
important issues.
Jewish tradition teaches us to 
appoint leaders in our courts who 
pursue true justice and impartial-
ity. As Jewish voters, we have the 
opportunity to reimagine a justice 
system that protects its citizens and 
prioritizes community safety for 
all. To get involved, visit detroit-
jewsforjustice.org and miliberation.
org. 

— Seth Archambault

Michigan Liberation Liaison, 

Detroit Jews for Justice

Alan shows off his 
stapler repair.

continued on page 8

