APRIL 16 • 2020 | 5
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Jewfro
Accomplimission:
Incomplete Thoughts, Alphabetized
T
hose of us fortunate enough to be
healthy and sensible enough to be
home are still susceptible to second-
ary symptoms. While some report of a loss
of smell and taste stemming
from COVID-19, I have lost
the ability to hear myself
think.
I have thoughts(!) but can’
t
seem to assemble them. So
here are some, with apologies
for the alphabetical order in
lieu of logic.
My daughter Phoebe stumbled upon
a new word that captures well the desire
to make use of this time while honoring
the heroism of completing simple tasks:
Accomplimissions.
One pint of McCormick Culinary Blue
Food Coloring is approximately a lifetime
supply of blue food coloring.
Of municipalities with more than one
thousand people, Huntington Woods cur-
rently has the highest Census response
rate nationwide.
A lot of people have dogs. Also, there are
a lot of birds.
ESPN got tossed quite the pancake
wobbler with the abrupt cancellation
of the World Mixed Doubles Curling
Championship (Kelowna, not Ljubljana),
but ESPN+ has a cashspiel of documenta-
ries, including Bad Boys and The Fab Five.
The Ford Escape Orchestra premiered
with violin performances by Judah and
Phoebe in relatives’
driveways, including
… their Great-Grandma Marge, an exem-
plar of sophisticated social distancing who
knows that one should dress for the day,
even if it consists of crudités for one and
the Sunday Times in one’
s solarium, on
the remote possibility that one may host a
spontaneous performance of Minuets No. 1
and No. 2 in one’
s driveway.
The laundry hamper has to be the most
underrated thing that you can put other
things in. I put all the things in my collec-
tion of hampers.
The best thing about homemade ice
cream — beyond being ice cream you can
make at home and make blue — is the pre-
rogative to determine your optimal ratio of
ice cream to cookie dough. At press time,
this is still more socially acceptable than
eating straight cookie dough, though that is
subject to change.
Virtually all the jingles my children know
are for insurance companies.
Note to ESPN: Knitting has unrealized
potential as a spectator sport.
Laundry Laundry everywhere, nor any
hamper to hold it.
Pro-tip for home fort builders: air mat-
tress as roof with ironing-board scaffolding.
@RushmoretheNewf reached 80 pounds
before 7 months. He says hi!
Ozark on Netflix is outstanding, but they
talk about the Law of Large Numbers like
it’
s string theory.
Judah turned 11 and relished the surprise
porch parade and blue cake, both compli-
ant with gubernatorial guidelines.
The word “quarantine” appears 200
times in the archives of the Detroit Jewish
News and Chronicle, the oldest in a 1916
article adjacent to an advertisement seeking
investors for Paige-Detroit Motor Car Co,
Continental Motors Co, W
.K. Prudden &
Co and Reo Motor Car Co.
I’
m not the first stellar parent to
observe that watching television with
captions is reading. Disney’
s Robin Hood
boasts verbose vocabulary, successive
synonyms and ambitious alliteration —
suspicious snake, silly serpent, reluctant
reptile, cowardly cobra, procrastinating
python, aggravating asp.
I’
m cautiously optimistic that Summer
in the City will return for its ... 19th year.
Hope to see you there.
I have been hosting trivia online with
NEXTGen and Come Play Detroit. Test
your trivial knowledge and tolerance for my
voice next round.
The point that coffee cools to a degree
that is unpalatable for my wife is the exact
temperature at which I can drink it without
scalding my mouth. All morning we swap
Anthropologie ceramic mugs back and
forth. This compatible caffeination has been
the single biggest bulwark against and the
choppy waters of sheltering in place.
Once you’
ve experienced the thrill of
MAX, it is hard to go back to non-MAX
mode of the Dyson V8 Absolute Cordless
Vacuum Cleaner. Do the soft-woven nylon
and anti-static carbon fiber still pick up
crumbs and pet hair from kitchen corners?
Sure, but there just isn’
t the same adrena-
line rush — the revving motor, the speed
at which the powerful direct-drive cleaner
heads suck unsuspecting playroom flotsam
and jetsam into the bagless cylinder.
The Waterpik ultra water flosser can get
food out from in between your teeth, but
the real reason to have one in your bath-
room is as a precision power washer for
your shower. The grout trouncing and caulk
shocking — exhilarating, albeit more effec-
tive if you don’
t have blue food coloring
on your hands. The only downside is that
you might be reluctant to point the pik at
your gums once you’
ve witnessed its sheer
hydro-velocity.
The xylophone owes much of its suc-
cess, like Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares,
to its recurring role in these alphabetical
acrostics.
There comes a time in every parent’
s life
when you are surpassed by your children.
I just didn’
t expect it to be this soon or to
happen with both kids at the same time or
to come in the form of competitive back-
gammon. They call it “
suitcase,
” which is
cute until they take turns reducing you to
15 stranded checkers and a wayward cup
of dice.
Zoom, I guess .
Ben Falik