 APRIL 16 • 2020 | 5

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Jewfro
Accomplimission: 
Incomplete Thoughts, Alphabetized
T

hose of us fortunate enough to be 
healthy and sensible enough to be 
home are still susceptible to second-
ary symptoms. While some report of a loss 
of smell and taste stemming 
from COVID-19, I have lost 
the ability to hear myself 
think.
I have thoughts(!) but can’
t 
seem to assemble them. So 
here are some, with apologies 
for the alphabetical order in 
lieu of logic. 
My daughter Phoebe stumbled upon 
a new word that captures well the desire 
to make use of this time while honoring 
the heroism of completing simple tasks: 
Accomplimissions.
One pint of McCormick Culinary Blue 
Food Coloring is approximately a lifetime 
supply of blue food coloring. 
Of municipalities with more than one 
thousand people, Huntington Woods cur-
rently has the highest Census response 
rate nationwide.
A lot of people have dogs. Also, there are 
a lot of birds.
ESPN got tossed quite the pancake 
wobbler with the abrupt cancellation 
of the World Mixed Doubles Curling 
Championship (Kelowna, not Ljubljana), 
but ESPN+ has a cashspiel of documenta-
ries, including Bad Boys and The Fab Five. 
 The Ford Escape Orchestra premiered 
with violin performances by Judah and 
Phoebe in relatives’
 driveways, including 
… their Great-Grandma Marge, an exem-
plar of sophisticated social distancing who 
knows that one should dress for the day, 
even if it consists of crudités for one and 
the Sunday Times in one’
s solarium, on 
the remote possibility that one may host a 
spontaneous performance of Minuets No. 1 
and No. 2 in one’
s driveway.
The laundry hamper has to be the most 
underrated thing that you can put other 

things in. I put all the things in my collec-
tion of hampers.
The best thing about homemade ice 
cream — beyond being ice cream you can 
make at home and make blue — is the pre-
rogative to determine your optimal ratio of 
ice cream to cookie dough. At press time, 
this is still more socially acceptable than 
eating straight cookie dough, though that is 
subject to change.
Virtually all the jingles my children know 
are for insurance companies. 
Note to ESPN: Knitting has unrealized 
potential as a spectator sport.
 Laundry Laundry everywhere, nor any 
hamper to hold it.
Pro-tip for home fort builders: air mat-
tress as roof with ironing-board scaffolding.
@RushmoretheNewf reached 80 pounds 
before 7 months. He says hi!
Ozark on Netflix is outstanding, but they 
talk about the Law of Large Numbers like 
it’
s string theory.
Judah turned 11 and relished the surprise 
porch parade and blue cake, both compli-
ant with gubernatorial guidelines. 
The word “quarantine” appears 200 
times in the archives of the Detroit Jewish 
News and Chronicle, the oldest in a 1916 
article adjacent to an advertisement seeking 
investors for Paige-Detroit Motor Car Co, 
Continental Motors Co, W
.K. Prudden & 
Co and Reo Motor Car Co.
I’
m not the first stellar parent to 
observe that watching television with 
captions is reading. Disney’
s Robin Hood 
boasts verbose vocabulary, successive 
synonyms and ambitious alliteration — 
suspicious snake, silly serpent, reluctant 
reptile, cowardly cobra, procrastinating 
python, aggravating asp.
I’
m cautiously optimistic that Summer 
in the City will return for its ... 19th year. 
Hope to see you there.
I have been hosting trivia online with 
NEXTGen and Come Play Detroit. Test 

your trivial knowledge and tolerance for my 
voice next round.
The point that coffee cools to a degree 
that is unpalatable for my wife is the exact 
temperature at which I can drink it without 
scalding my mouth. All morning we swap 
Anthropologie ceramic mugs back and 
forth. This compatible caffeination has been 
the single biggest bulwark against and the 
choppy waters of sheltering in place.
Once you’
ve experienced the thrill of 
MAX, it is hard to go back to non-MAX 
mode of the Dyson V8 Absolute Cordless 
Vacuum Cleaner. Do the soft-woven nylon 
and anti-static carbon fiber still pick up 
crumbs and pet hair from kitchen corners? 
Sure, but there just isn’
t the same adrena-
line rush — the revving motor, the speed 
at which the powerful direct-drive cleaner 
heads suck unsuspecting playroom flotsam 
and jetsam into the bagless cylinder.
The Waterpik ultra water flosser can get 
food out from in between your teeth, but 
the real reason to have one in your bath-
room is as a precision power washer for 
your shower. The grout trouncing and caulk 
shocking — exhilarating, albeit more effec-
tive if you don’
t have blue food coloring 
on your hands. The only downside is that 
you might be reluctant to point the pik at 
your gums once you’
ve witnessed its sheer 
hydro-velocity.
The xylophone owes much of its suc-
cess, like Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares, 
to its recurring role in these alphabetical 
acrostics. 
There comes a time in every parent’
s life 
when you are surpassed by your children. 
I just didn’
t expect it to be this soon or to 
happen with both kids at the same time or 
to come in the form of competitive back-
gammon. They call it “
suitcase,
” which is 
cute until they take turns reducing you to 
15 stranded checkers and a wayward cup 
of dice.
Zoom, I guess .

Ben Falik

