DECEMBER 12 • 2019 | 5
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Jewfro
What’s Newf? Me ... Rushmore!
G
reetings, Michiganders
and Michigeese! Ben
has been pretty sleep
deprived lately — can’
t imagine
why — so I am here in shed,
lending a paw to share some
good newf.
Allow me to
introduce myself.
My name is
Rushmore and I
am a dog. Now
I know what
you’
re think-
ing: Dogs are
unreliable narrators, least of all
10-week-old puppies. Well, I
have Disney+ and it seems to
me that animals, insects, toys —
even brave little toasters — have
more emotional intelligence
than those adolescent humans
who are always manipulating
their adults with shenanigans
and hijinks.
Excuse me for a moment. I
just discovered the presence of
a foreign object narrowly out of
reach and I am confident that
I can catch it if I just rotate my
entire body at increasing speeds.
Where was I? Like you prob-
ably, I am originally from Eden.
Eden, South Dakota — hence
the name Rushmore — is home
to 93 humans, which must
make it a major population cen-
ter. I have four sisters and three
brothers, one of whom is head-
ed to Alaska for some superior
sunbathing.
I flew here from Fargo via
Minneapolis last month. If you
think the seats in coach are
bad, try riding under the plane!
(Delta, not Spirit Airlines. No
one deserves Spirit Airlines.)
Contrary to popular belief,
I am not from Newfoundland
myself, though I hear it’
s love-
ly this time of year. I am, of
course, proud to follow in a
long lineage of gentle giants. My
mom is Bydand’
s Eliza Dolittle
of Briarwood and my dad — he
of blessed memory and liquid
nitrogen 300° below — was Sir
Robin Hood of Briarwood. You
can sniff up my whole family
tree at newfoundlanddog-
database.net.
Maybe you heard the news
recently about my long-lost
cousin Dogor. Sad story — he
was about my age when he got
trapped in some ice. Bear in
mind, this was 18,000 years ago
in Siberia, so his invisible fence
was a crevasse.
Speaking of bears, I am not
a bear. But I play one on TV
.
I currently weigh 23 pounds
and enjoy being cuddled like
a 23-pound human baby. This
will become increasingly dif-
ficult once I am 150 pounds.
Again, not a black bear, though
that’
s not far off the 190 lb.
average of ursus americanus in
California. (California is just
past South Dakota according to
a map on the cover of the New
Yorker magazine.) Ben tips the
scale somewhere in between
and similarly thrives on food
scraps and tummy rubs.
You may be wondering, do
I like you? I do not like you. I
love you. You are so good. Yes,
you are. Who’
s so good? That’
s
right. Yes it is. According to
the journal Science, you and I
both experience an increase in
oxytocin when we lock eyes.
Oxytocin — as you know, yes
you do — is a hormone that
plays an important role in social
bonding, so please look up from
your phone unless you are using
it to take a video of me eating
your sandal.
Unlike all other dogs, I am
the best. Virtually every human
I have encountered in my many
weeks has corroborated this, at
a proximity that allows me to
lick their faces. Face licks are the
canine equivalent of notarizing.
So it’
s official, the best — with
the possible exception of Lola,
the lady newf (don’
t like the
B-word) who lived here before
me and did outstanding work
training this family. See you on
the rainbow bridge, Lola!
I recently had a procedure
done on my widdle eye wids
and have been wearing an
Elizabethan Collar since. That’
s
the official name. If you insist
on calling it a cone of shame,
then shame on you! And don’
t
pretend that you haven’
t had
work done on your eyes. The
girl person made herself one to
wear in solidarity — a kind ges-
ture, but a little too Handmaid’
s
Tale for my tastes.
I may not know much yet —
like what could possibly be bet-
ter than investigating these piles
of leaves at 4:30 in the morning
— but I know a few things:
First, I have up to 300 mil-
lion olfactory receptors. All
mine! How crazy is that? Truth
be told, though, if I sniff your
butt, it’
s not because the part of
my brain devoted to analyzing
smells is 40 times greater than
yours, but because I think it is
hilarious.
Second, we are going to be
best friends. All of us. The best-
est. Since there are many of you
and I have a strict regimen of
napping in doorways at inop-
portune times, it may be hard
for us to spend lots of quality
time together. So you can keep
up with me on Instagram:
@rushmorethenewf.
Third, there are a lot of very
good dogs who aren’
t as lucky
as me, so Ben is going to donate
a dollar to Detroit Dog Rescue
in honor of every #newffriend I
make online this week.
Smell ya later!
Ruv,
Rushmore
Rushmore
COURTESY OF BEN FALIK
Me and Ben,
Phoebe and
Judah