August 1 • 2019 5
jn
views
I
recently underwent a sleep study
to determine if I have sleep apnea.
A little disclaimer before I go on.
Despite what I’
m about to describe,
I’
m a big proponent of sleep studies,
and I’
ve spoken with
people who have bene-
fited from the positive
impact the results can
have on one’
s health.
So, don’
t let anything I
say here discourage you
from having one. But
let me be very clear, the
sleep study process is
equal part medical and comical.
Turns out I can fall asleep anywhere
— except a sleep clinic. For me anyway,
it was a “no sleep clinic.
” I don’
t think
I had a full hour of deep sleep. You are
electrically wired from head to toe and
points in between. Picture me as Peter
Boyle strapped down as the monster in
Mel Brooks’
film Young Frankenstein.
The only thing missing was Gene
Wilder in his laboratory yelling, “It’
s
alive; it’
s alive!”
My trying to fall asleep was not made
any easier by the fact that my sleep
technician, who I believe may have
quit her job after my study, refused to
read to me Goodnight Moon. Instead,
she just let me cry myself to sleep. I’
m
surprised she didn’
t cry after spending
hours staring at a monitor watching me
toss and turn and snore.
To add to the frustration, just as I
was about to fall asleep … I had to go
the bathroom. And you can’
t go unat-
tended. You have to be “unplugged.
”
I haven’
t yelled, “I have to go to the
bathroom” in the middle of the night to
anyone since
1959. My tech could hear
me from her post on a live microphone.
I’
m just glad I didn’
t yell “Mommy.
” I
lay there waiting, wired up, fearing she
wouldn’
t arrive in time and I’
d be elec-
trocuted.
Fast forward to my follow-up results
appointment. It revealed that I was
on the upper end of a “mild” case; if
you can believe that stopping breath-
ing 15 times in an hour is mild. I was
informed that I would need another
sleep study, this time to see how I
would do on a CPAP machine.
The next available slot they had open
was in a month. A month?! Based on
the fact I stop breathing as many as
15 times an hour, that meant, based
conservatively on six hours a night of
sleep over the next month, I will have
stopped breathing 2,700 times before
my next appointment! Now that’
s
something to lose sleep over. But I
made it.
During my second “no sleep study,
” I
was given a chance to experiment with
a variety of CPAP breathing apparatus.
Nothing provides you a more restful
night’
s sleep than waking up every
hour or so to try on a new mask. My
least favorite? The full face mask. It not
only made me look like Darth Vader,
but the soft whir of air coming from
the machine made me sound like him,
too. Plus, it interfered with me trying to
suck my thumb.
As you read this, I will have com-
pleted my third week on a home CPAP
machine. It’
s still a work in progress and
I’
m still going through my “Goldilocks”
phase of finding the CPAP mask that
feels just right. The good news is a chip
in the machine allows me to get a daily
computer read out of my results. I’
m
happy to report I’
ve had some nights
with as few as three apnea episodes.
The biggest challenge is my routine
3:30 a.m. bathroom run. I have to
detach my mask from the large tube
connected to the CPAP machine that
provides the air flow to keep my air
passage open during sleep. As you can
see from the photo, it leaves a shorter
tube dangling from my nose, leaving
me looking and feeling like a baby ele-
phant although it does come in handy
when getting a drink of water in the
middle of the night.
For me, adapting to CPAP treatment
is a marathon, not a sprint. And who
knows, perhaps after enough treatment
I might even be able to run a marathon
or sprint. But don’
t hold your breath …
at least while you’
re sleeping. ■
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting
talent, speaker, and emcee. Visit his website
at laughwithbigal.com. If you have a humorous
sleep study/apnea related story, email him at
amuskovitz@renmedia.us and he just might
share it in a follow-up column.
for openers
Sleep Tight!
Alan Muskovitz
Contributing Writer
Readers had plenty to say about the
story on Neo-Nazi flyers left at Clover Hill
Park Cemetery (July 25, page 20).
Karen Gilmour: If we see something,
we must say something. Get photos or
whatever possible, whenever possible.
Be vigilant. Let it be known people are
watching!
Molly Blumenstein Langwald: I am sad
tonight to hear this but not surprised.
I am also scared, but in the end, I am
more angry than anything else. We in
Detroit have just been lucky so far not
to be directly affected by this growing
hate, a hate that is not just aimed at
the Jewish people but at any individual
or group that is deemed different
and therefore deserving of hate and
persecution. So, I may be scared and
sad, but those emotions alone are not
going to rally people together to combat
this anti-Semitism and intolerance of
people who are different. We must
be strong and smart and combat this
indescribable hate together.
Sylvia Sherman Wolf: Awful and scary.
Roz Gould Keith: What is happening???
Eric Weiss: You have Muslim women
in Congress who hate Jews, who are
pushing BDS against Israel, who want to
bring as many Jew-hating Muslims here
as possible, and you are worried about
a handful of idiot losers with no power
(those who left the fliers)?
The JN welcomes comments online at
thejewishnews.com or on its Facebook
page.
online comments
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