August 1 • 2019 5
jn

views

I 

recently underwent a sleep study 
to determine if I have sleep apnea. 
A little disclaimer before I go on. 
Despite what I’
m about to describe, 
I’
m a big proponent of sleep studies, 
and I’
ve spoken with 
people who have bene-
fited from the positive 
impact the results can 
have on one’
s health. 
So, don’
t let anything I 
say here discourage you 
from having one. But 
let me be very clear, the 
sleep study process is 
equal part medical and comical.
Turns out I can fall asleep anywhere 
— except a sleep clinic. For me anyway, 
it was a “no sleep clinic.
” I don’
t think 
I had a full hour of deep sleep. You are 
electrically wired from head to toe and 
points in between. Picture me as Peter 
Boyle strapped down as the monster in 
Mel Brooks’
 film Young Frankenstein. 
The only thing missing was Gene 
Wilder in his laboratory yelling, “It’
s 
alive; it’
s alive!”
My trying to fall asleep was not made 
any easier by the fact that my sleep 
technician, who I believe may have 
quit her job after my study, refused to 
read to me Goodnight Moon. Instead, 
she just let me cry myself to sleep. I’
m 
surprised she didn’
t cry after spending 
hours staring at a monitor watching me 
toss and turn and snore.
To add to the frustration, just as I 
was about to fall asleep … I had to go 
the bathroom. And you can’
t go unat-
tended. You have to be “unplugged.
” 
I haven’
t yelled, “I have to go to the 
bathroom” in the middle of the night to 
anyone since 
1959. My tech could hear 

me from her post on a live microphone. 
I’
m just glad I didn’
t yell “Mommy.
” I 
lay there waiting, wired up, fearing she 
wouldn’
t arrive in time and I’
d be elec-
trocuted.
Fast forward to my follow-up results 
appointment. It revealed that I was 
on the upper end of a “mild” case; if 
you can believe that stopping breath-
ing 15 times in an hour is mild. I was 
informed that I would need another 
sleep study, this time to see how I 
would do on a CPAP machine. 
The next available slot they had open 
was in a month. A month?! Based on 
the fact I stop breathing as many as 
15 times an hour, that meant, based 
conservatively on six hours a night of 
sleep over the next month, I will have 
stopped breathing 2,700 times before 
my next appointment! Now that’
s 
something to lose sleep over. But I 
made it.
During my second “no sleep study,
” I 
was given a chance to experiment with 
a variety of CPAP breathing apparatus. 

Nothing provides you a more restful 
night’
s sleep than waking up every 
hour or so to try on a new mask. My 
least favorite? The full face mask. It not 
only made me look like Darth Vader, 
but the soft whir of air coming from 
the machine made me sound like him, 
too. Plus, it interfered with me trying to 
suck my thumb.
As you read this, I will have com-
pleted my third week on a home CPAP 
machine. It’
s still a work in progress and 
I’
m still going through my “Goldilocks” 
phase of finding the CPAP mask that 
feels just right. The good news is a chip 
in the machine allows me to get a daily 
computer read out of my results. I’
m 
happy to report I’
ve had some nights 
with as few as three apnea episodes. 
The biggest challenge is my routine 
3:30 a.m. bathroom run. I have to 
detach my mask from the large tube 
connected to the CPAP machine that 
provides the air flow to keep my air 
passage open during sleep. As you can 
see from the photo, it leaves a shorter 
tube dangling from my nose, leaving 
me looking and feeling like a baby ele-
phant although it does come in handy 
when getting a drink of water in the 
middle of the night.
For me, adapting to CPAP treatment 
is a marathon, not a sprint. And who 
knows, perhaps after enough treatment 
I might even be able to run a marathon 
or sprint. But don’
t hold your breath … 
at least while you’
re sleeping. ■

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting 
talent, speaker, and emcee. Visit his website 
at laughwithbigal.com. If you have a humorous 
sleep study/apnea related story, email him at 
amuskovitz@renmedia.us and he just might 
share it in a follow-up column.

for openers
Sleep Tight!

Alan Muskovitz
Contributing Writer

Readers had plenty to say about the 
story on Neo-Nazi flyers left at Clover Hill 
Park Cemetery (July 25, page 20).

Karen Gilmour: If we see something, 
we must say something. Get photos or 
whatever possible, whenever possible. 
Be vigilant. Let it be known people are 
watching! 

Molly Blumenstein Langwald: I am sad 
tonight to hear this but not surprised. 
I am also scared, but in the end, I am 
more angry than anything else. We in 

Detroit have just been lucky so far not 
to be directly affected by this growing 
hate, a hate that is not just aimed at 
the Jewish people but at any individual 
or group that is deemed different 
and therefore deserving of hate and 
persecution. So, I may be scared and 
sad, but those emotions alone are not 
going to rally people together to combat 
this anti-Semitism and intolerance of 
people who are different. We must 
be strong and smart and combat this 
indescribable hate together.

Sylvia Sherman Wolf: Awful and scary.

Roz Gould Keith: What is happening???

Eric Weiss: You have Muslim women 
in Congress who hate Jews, who are 
pushing BDS against Israel, who want to 
bring as many Jew-hating Muslims here 
as possible, and you are worried about 
a handful of idiot losers with no power 
(those who left the fliers)?

The JN welcomes comments online at 
thejewishnews.com or on its Facebook 
page. 

online comments

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