12 March 7 • 2019
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“
Akiva was trying to think of ways to 
make it work, but it wasn’
t going to — it 
was totally uncharted territory to them 
… davening and Jewish learning were 
gender-segregated,
” he says. “We all 
realized it wasn’
t going to work.
”
His mother, Deb Kovsky, agreed.
“We were told he could come back 
if he wore a skirt, took the girls’
 
classes, used the girls’
 restroom and 
sat on the girls’
 side of the mechitzah 
(divider separating men and women 
in Orthodox services),” Kovsky says. 
“Basically, they said, ‘
We’
ll let your 
daughter come back, but not your 
son.’
 It was the same with his summer 
camp.”
Head of School Rabbi Scot Berman 
says he could not address student mat-
ters publicly, but says, “Farber Hebrew 
Day School is committed to the princi-
ple of respecting human dignity. Every 
person is created in the image of God 
irrespective of their personal circum-
stances including their gender identity 
or sexual orientation.
“Working within the framework 
of Halakhah (Jewish law), the school 
is committed to serving all students 
interested in the education our school 
provides.”
After leaving Farber in eighth 
grade, Apap “hopped around a lot,” 
trying to find a comfortable, accept-
ing place. 
Today, he is a senior at Berkley 
High School, where he has friends 
and is active in the theater depart-
ment, serving as student producer 
of the play The Curious Story of the 
Dog at Nighttime. Although he has 
not decided on a college yet, he plans 
to go somewhere he can major in 
acting, with a minor in film or Jewish 
studies.
“It does get better,” he says. “There’
s 
definitely a lot going on, some of it 
horrible, but you will look back and 
think, ‘
Thank God, I’
m fine now.’
”

PARENTS’
 PERSPECTIVE
Apap’
s mother said things began to 
change noticeably after he returned 
from summer camp, a few days after 
his 13th birthday. First, he cut his 
“long, beautiful flowing hair.”
“He was refusing to wear skirts and 
was more depressed and miserable 
than usual,” she recalls. “Until then, I 
had no idea.”
When Apap came out to his family, 
Kovsky’
s initial reaction was shock.
“To me, it came out of left field, 
not something I expected” she says. 
“My husband had no more idea than 
I did. I didn’
t know anyone who was 
transgender. I didn’
t really know what 
it meant. It was a total departure from 
where I thought we were.”
Deciding she needed to educate 
herself, Kovsky turned to the internet.
“I knew male and female,” she 
says. “I didn’
t know about nonbina-
ry; I didn’
t know about gender as a 
spectrum. I decided to Google every-
thing.”
Eventually, she found an online 
call-in support group for Orthodox 
parents of LGBTQ+ children.
“I thought I was the only such 
parent in the world,” she says. “I was 
terrified about what it would mean 
for my son, my family, my communi-
ty. Would I still have a community? 
When your child comes out, parents 
have to come out, too.”
She was dismayed to learn some of 
the friends her children had known 
for years were no longer allowed to 
associate with Apap and his siblings.
“From a Jewish standpoint, it’
s like 
saving a life,” she says. “Gender dys-
phoria (a mismatch between assigned 
birth gender and the one a person 
identifies with) is torture. The only 
medically recognized treatment for 
gender dysphoria is transition, but 
not everyone sees it that way.”
She was also unprepared for the 

medical issues associated with her 
son’
s transition. Finding health care 
providers, such as endocrinologists, 
surgeons and therapists, who are 
transgender-friendly was challenging. 
Kovsky found additional support 
and resources from advocacy organi-
zations such as Stand with Trans and 
Ferndale-based Affirmations. 
“This is not something to under-
take on your own,” she says. “Talk to 
those who have trod the path before 
you. It will feel like you’
re the first-
ever parent of a transgender teen but, 
trust me, you’
re not.” Kovsky is proud 
of her son for continuing to be part of 
the Orthodox community despite the 
challenges.
“He’
s doing an amazing job inte-
grating two identities that are tough 
to integrate,” she says.

NONBINARY TEENS
Lee (not their real name), 15, identifies 
as nonbinary, the term for people who 
consider themselves neither male nor 
female. Born female, Lee uses the pro-
nouns “they,
” “them” and “their.
” At 11, 
Lee knew they were different than other 
girls their age. 

Advice for Parents, 
Teens and Teachers
The therapists, parents and teens who pro-
vided input for this story offer these tips:
For parents:
• Transgender kids can be born into any 
family. It has nothing to do with what a par-
ent did or didn’
t do. Parent from a place of 
love rather than guilt. 
• There’
s a very real chance that not 
accepting your child will result in losing 
them to suicide. 
• Parental support makes all the difference. 
Teens need their parents, even when they 
say they don’
t.
• Remember before your baby was born, 
and you said, “I don’
t care if it’
s a boy or a 
girl as long as it’
s healthy.” You have to still 
mean that. 
• It’
s natural for parents to go through a 
grieving process for the child they thought they 
would have. They need to reach a place where 
they love and accept the child they have.

For teachers:
• Realize there is bullying going on when 
you’
re not looking. Be extra-vigilant with this 
extremely vulnerable population.
• Put yourself in the students’
 shoes.
• It is important to normalize life for these 
teens. Listen to them. Acknowledge them. 
Respect them.

For teens:
• Find a supportive group, organization or 
community. For those in more isolated areas, 
make use of online support and therapy. 
• Seek out the people who will absolutely 
support and affirm you for who you truly are. 
Believe in yourself and the gifts you were 
born with. Realize you are beautiful and valu-
able to this world as your true authentic self.
• Don’
t stray away from yourself because 
of others. Be the original true you, no matter 
what.

LGBTQ+ Terms 
LGBTQ+: lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans-
gender, questioning or queer.
Cisgender: a person whose gender 
identity corresponds with the sex the 
person had or was identified as having 
at birth.
Transgender: someone who identifies 
with a gender different from the one 
they were assigned at birth.
Nonbinary: a person who does not 
identify as male or female. 
Pansexual: a person whose attraction 
to others does not depend on their 
gender.
Asexual: a person who does not 
experience sexual feelings.
Gender nonconforming: a person 
whose behavior or appearance does 
not conform to prevailing cultural and 
social expectations about their gender.
Demi-sexual: a person who requires 
a romantic connection to have a sexu-
al relationship. 
Queer: an umbrella category for those 
who don’
t neatly fit another category.
They, them and other pronouns: 
used for people whose gender identity 
does not fit traditional pronouns such 
as he/him or she/her.
Gender fluid: a person whose gender 
identity fluctuates. 

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