March 7 • 2019 5
jn

A 

young rabbi, her father and 
90-year-old great-aunt walk 
into a Coney Island. Sounds 
like the opening line to an old joke, 
but it’
s actually the beginning of a very 
humorous experience I had the plea-
sure of witnessing last week during a 
visit to Detroit’
s one and only Lafayette 
Coney Island (LCI). 
A scene that could 
have been written for 
Seinfeld or Curb Your 
Enthusiasm.
I had the privilege 
of being invited by 
the above-mentioned 
trio to join them for 
lunch at the famous 
century-old hot dog haunt. The dining 
destination was the choice of the great-
aunt, who treasures her regular visits 
to LCI. However, despite being a native 
Detroiter, this was the very first time 
the young rabbi had been to the iconic 
Coney. 
I got an early idea that we were in for 
an interesting afternoon during the car 
ride down, when the rabbi expressed 
that she was “excited about going to this 
restaurant.
” I immediately set the record 
straight that we were not going to a 
“restaurant.
” No disrespect to the fine 
family-owned business, but I don’
t even 
think they consider their 102-year-old 
establishment — that serves primarily 
hotdogs and chili — a restaurant. 
Upon arrival to LCI, we were joined 
by another of the trio’
s relatives, the 
rabbi’
s aunt, a transplanted Detroiter 
now living in Windsor. You want to talk 
chaos at the border? Just try stopping 
a native Detroiter hell bent on going to 
Lafayette Coney Island from crossing 
into the U.S. 
Once comfortably seated at one of 

Lafayette’
s large community-style tables, 
we were welcomed by one of their great 
veteran waiters, a seasoned pro who 
bellowed out each of our orders to the 
cook clear across the opposite side of 
the “restaurant.
” 
“One with everything,
” he yelled. 
Music to my ears. Anticipation for my 
taste buds.
Four of the five orders were placed 
without incident. And then it was the 
rabbi’
s turn. She paused and asked for a 
… menu. At that point, you could hear 
a collective gasp throughout the Coney 
Island. I’
m surprised dishes weren’
t 
dropped at the utterance of “May I have 
a menu?” 
A menu, she was hoping, would 
include a Greek salad or vegetarian 
dish that would allow her to adhere to 
Jewish dietary laws. I believe I did hear 
glass break when she asked, tongue-in-
cheek, about the availability of “kale.
” 
The only vegetarian dish she could pos-
sibly hope for was if she ordered “one 
with everything” but hold the hotdog, 
chili and the bun and stick with just a 
plate of onions with mustard.
The dialogue between the rabbi and 
the waiter, who spoke broken English at 
best, turned into a modern-day version 
of Abbott & Costello’
s classic Who’
s On 
First routine, as she tried to find some-
thing that would not risk her expulsion 
from the rabbinate. It was a back and 
forth, that if only had been captured on 
video, would most certainly have gone 
viral.
It looked like solid food was not 
going to be an option. So, running 
out of choices, the rabbi asked about 
Lafayette Coney Island’
s selection of 
beers that were … on tap. LCI doesn’
t 
have beer on tap … it has a bottle 
opener. 

“Bud, Bud Light, Miller, Miller Lite,
” 
said the waiter. 
“
Any craft beers?” asked the rabbi. 
To which the waiter, who I believe 
was himself ready for a drink, replied 
(loudly): “What kind of Coney do you 
want?!”
Just when it seemed all was lost, it 
came down to bean soup as the rabbi’
s 
only hope. Upon her request, the waiter 
recited in great detail every ingredient 
to the satisfaction of the rabbi. And just 
when it appeared every dietary hurdle 
had been cleared, she said: “Wait! Is 
there any meat in the soup stock?”
At that point, three people siting kitty 
corner from us, who obviously got a 
kick out of hearing the banter, threw 
up their arms in disbelief. That was 
immediately followed by a gentleman 
at an adjacent table to abruptly turn 
to the rabbi and, in a friendly but firm 
way, insist on knowing “why the (insert 
a mild, commonly used obscenity) did 
she come here in the first place?!” To 
which the rabbi replied in a sermo-
nesque tone, “It was about being with 
my family.
” 
Boom. Drop the microphone. The 
rabbi nailed it. Everyone smiled. And 
then she took a sip of her Miller Lite as 
we all toasted the joy of being together. 
L
’
Chaim! … which I believe at Coney 
Island means extra onions. ■

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting 
talent, speaker, emcee and an occasional 
guest host on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR 
AM 760. Visit his website at laughwithbigal.
com and “Like” Al on Facebook.

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letters

Alan Muskovitz

Otzma Yehudit 
Otzma Yehudit (Jewish Power) is a rein-
carnation of Meir Kahane’
s Kach party, 
excluded from politics years ago for 
being terrorist in nature. When asked 
to disavow Kahane’
s racist ideology, 
Otzmah’
s party leader refused. 
That a prime minister of Israel 
would have any dealings with a racist 
party that accepts Kahane’
s ideology 
of rabid hate for Palestinians and their 
effective exclusion from any phase of 
everyday Israeli life, a ban on intermar-

riage of any kind and the extradition 
of those rejecting these actions, and 
who believed that the citizenship of all 
non-Jews should be revoked is not only 
abhorrent but a rejection of Jewish and 
democratic values. 
The idea that the Jewish Home party 
would consent to a merger with such a 
group is even more disturbing, if that’
s 
possible. The last time I looked at the 
Ten Commandments, it never men-
tions racism or xenophobia as an attri-
bute acceptable to God. Imagine the 
screams of hypocrisy leveled not only 
against the State of Israel but the entire 

Jewish people. 
The fact that the prime minister 
would stoop so low, morally and prac-
tically, to secure his re-election, to 
create a favorable cabinet majority and 
perhaps to forestall his bribery investi-
gation is truly a proper definition of an 
impeachable event. 
[This] is an affront to humanity. 
What makes it all the worse is that it 
has been perpetrated by Jews. 

— Joel Gershenson

Farmington Hills

Editor’
s Note: See an op-ed on this topic on 
page 8.

