12 March 7 • 2019
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in
the
“
Akiva was trying to think of ways to
make it work, but it wasn’
t going to — it
was totally uncharted territory to them
… davening and Jewish learning were
gender-segregated,
” he says. “We all
realized it wasn’
t going to work.
”
His mother, Deb Kovsky, agreed.
“We were told he could come back
if he wore a skirt, took the girls’
classes, used the girls’
restroom and
sat on the girls’
side of the mechitzah
(divider separating men and women
in Orthodox services),” Kovsky says.
“Basically, they said, ‘
We’
ll let your
daughter come back, but not your
son.’
It was the same with his summer
camp.”
Head of School Rabbi Scot Berman
says he could not address student mat-
ters publicly, but says, “Farber Hebrew
Day School is committed to the princi-
ple of respecting human dignity. Every
person is created in the image of God
irrespective of their personal circum-
stances including their gender identity
or sexual orientation.
“Working within the framework
of Halakhah (Jewish law), the school
is committed to serving all students
interested in the education our school
provides.”
After leaving Farber in eighth
grade, Apap “hopped around a lot,”
trying to find a comfortable, accept-
ing place.
Today, he is a senior at Berkley
High School, where he has friends
and is active in the theater depart-
ment, serving as student producer
of the play The Curious Story of the
Dog at Nighttime. Although he has
not decided on a college yet, he plans
to go somewhere he can major in
acting, with a minor in film or Jewish
studies.
“It does get better,” he says. “There’
s
definitely a lot going on, some of it
horrible, but you will look back and
think, ‘
Thank God, I’
m fine now.’
”
PARENTS’
PERSPECTIVE
Apap’
s mother said things began to
change noticeably after he returned
from summer camp, a few days after
his 13th birthday. First, he cut his
“long, beautiful flowing hair.”
“He was refusing to wear skirts and
was more depressed and miserable
than usual,” she recalls. “Until then, I
had no idea.”
When Apap came out to his family,
Kovsky’
s initial reaction was shock.
“To me, it came out of left field,
not something I expected” she says.
“My husband had no more idea than
I did. I didn’
t know anyone who was
transgender. I didn’
t really know what
it meant. It was a total departure from
where I thought we were.”
Deciding she needed to educate
herself, Kovsky turned to the internet.
“I knew male and female,” she
says. “I didn’
t know about nonbina-
ry; I didn’
t know about gender as a
spectrum. I decided to Google every-
thing.”
Eventually, she found an online
call-in support group for Orthodox
parents of LGBTQ+ children.
“I thought I was the only such
parent in the world,” she says. “I was
terrified about what it would mean
for my son, my family, my communi-
ty. Would I still have a community?
When your child comes out, parents
have to come out, too.”
She was dismayed to learn some of
the friends her children had known
for years were no longer allowed to
associate with Apap and his siblings.
“From a Jewish standpoint, it’
s like
saving a life,” she says. “Gender dys-
phoria (a mismatch between assigned
birth gender and the one a person
identifies with) is torture. The only
medically recognized treatment for
gender dysphoria is transition, but
not everyone sees it that way.”
She was also unprepared for the
medical issues associated with her
son’
s transition. Finding health care
providers, such as endocrinologists,
surgeons and therapists, who are
transgender-friendly was challenging.
Kovsky found additional support
and resources from advocacy organi-
zations such as Stand with Trans and
Ferndale-based Affirmations.
“This is not something to under-
take on your own,” she says. “Talk to
those who have trod the path before
you. It will feel like you’
re the first-
ever parent of a transgender teen but,
trust me, you’
re not.” Kovsky is proud
of her son for continuing to be part of
the Orthodox community despite the
challenges.
“He’
s doing an amazing job inte-
grating two identities that are tough
to integrate,” she says.
NONBINARY TEENS
Lee (not their real name), 15, identifies
as nonbinary, the term for people who
consider themselves neither male nor
female. Born female, Lee uses the pro-
nouns “they,
” “them” and “their.
” At 11,
Lee knew they were different than other
girls their age.
Advice for Parents,
Teens and Teachers
The therapists, parents and teens who pro-
vided input for this story offer these tips:
For parents:
• Transgender kids can be born into any
family. It has nothing to do with what a par-
ent did or didn’
t do. Parent from a place of
love rather than guilt.
• There’
s a very real chance that not
accepting your child will result in losing
them to suicide.
• Parental support makes all the difference.
Teens need their parents, even when they
say they don’
t.
• Remember before your baby was born,
and you said, “I don’
t care if it’
s a boy or a
girl as long as it’
s healthy.” You have to still
mean that.
• It’
s natural for parents to go through a
grieving process for the child they thought they
would have. They need to reach a place where
they love and accept the child they have.
For teachers:
• Realize there is bullying going on when
you’
re not looking. Be extra-vigilant with this
extremely vulnerable population.
• Put yourself in the students’
shoes.
• It is important to normalize life for these
teens. Listen to them. Acknowledge them.
Respect them.
For teens:
• Find a supportive group, organization or
community. For those in more isolated areas,
make use of online support and therapy.
• Seek out the people who will absolutely
support and affirm you for who you truly are.
Believe in yourself and the gifts you were
born with. Realize you are beautiful and valu-
able to this world as your true authentic self.
• Don’
t stray away from yourself because
of others. Be the original true you, no matter
what.
LGBTQ+ Terms
LGBTQ+: lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans-
gender, questioning or queer.
Cisgender: a person whose gender
identity corresponds with the sex the
person had or was identified as having
at birth.
Transgender: someone who identifies
with a gender different from the one
they were assigned at birth.
Nonbinary: a person who does not
identify as male or female.
Pansexual: a person whose attraction
to others does not depend on their
gender.
Asexual: a person who does not
experience sexual feelings.
Gender nonconforming: a person
whose behavior or appearance does
not conform to prevailing cultural and
social expectations about their gender.
Demi-sexual: a person who requires
a romantic connection to have a sexu-
al relationship.
Queer: an umbrella category for those
who don’
t neatly fit another category.
They, them and other pronouns:
used for people whose gender identity
does not fit traditional pronouns such
as he/him or she/her.
Gender fluid: a person whose gender
identity fluctuates.
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