February 21 • 2019 5
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ast month, engineers at 
Columbia University created 
a robot that “learns what it 
is, from scratch, with zero prior 
knowledge of physics, geometry or 
motor dynamics … 
does not know if it is 
a spider, a snake, an 
arm — it has no clue 
what its shape is … 
and within about a 
day of intensive com-
puting, their robot 
creates a self-simu-
lation.”
To boot, “The robot can then 
use that self-simulator internally 
to contemplate and adapt to differ-
ent situations, handling new tasks 
as well as detecting and repairing 
damage in its own body.”
But when Columbia prompted 
it to “Discuss an accomplishment, 
event or realization that sparked 
a period of personal growth and a 
new understanding of yourself or 
others,” the robot tried to rock–
paper–scissors itself off the table.
I know the feeling. I’
m 15 years 
removed from both my college 
graduation and — bot-willing — 
my children’
s. Whatever the com-
bination of hindsight and lead time 
that affords me, higher ed remains 
a bundle of contradictions: motiva-
tion and anxiety, debt and earning 
potential, social mobility and elit-
ism, progress and inertia.
Once a year, I get a crash course 
in contemporary college applica-
tions and admissions. I take up res-
idence in a Cranbrook Kingswood 
classroom for a marathon day of 
local Columbia alumni interviews. 
The high school seniors tend to be 
only slightly more dressed up and 
nervous than I. 
This year, they are from 
Cameroon, Midland, Macedonia, 
Okemos, Tulsa, Beijing and Iraq. 
They help out on the family farm. 
They interview Walmart shoppers 
from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m. They speak 
the mother tongue at home and 
visit extended family in their ances-
tral homeland or Chinatown. 
They teach themselves enough 
German to sing the Queen’
s aria 
from The Magic Flute. They play 
whichever of a half-dozen instru-

ments the jazz ensemble needs 
that day. They work at the British 
Chamber of Commerce in Denmark 
and TJ Maxx (same person). They 
change hospital bedding and 
observe laparoscopic surgery.
They sometimes believe me when 
I tell them that what school they 
attend doesn’
t really matter. Or, as 
Frank Bruni puts it, “Where you 
go is not who you’
ll be.” That how 
you bring yourself to new spaces — 
showing up, reaching out, sticking 
around — will serve you far beyond 
test scores, school rankings and 
acceptance rates.
And it can be hard to tell from 
websites and word of mouth. There 
are “rah rah” schools and, as I used 
to say on campus tours, “yeah yeah” 
schools.
Every institution I have ever 
encountered — whether higher ed, 
corporate, civic, social — evidences 
at times brilliance and mediocrity, 
inspiration and cynicism, authentic-
ity and simulacra, compassion and 
indifference. U.S. News & World 
Report has about as much insight 
to offer as The Definitive College 
Ranking Of 16 Ramen Noodle 
Flavors. 
The students I interview are 
highly human; they are also a little 
like Columbia’
s robot. They are 
developing their self-image in real 
time through repeated trials, incor-
porating new parts along the way. 
Unlike the controlled environment 
of the engineering lab, they are 
surrounded by noise and subjected 
to competing commitments. Their 
knowledge of physics and geometry 
varies. Their ability to get a ball in 
a cup will likely improve over the 
course of college.
And their genuine love of learn-
ing (plus the arrival of a semi-sen-
tient armbot) has inspired me 
to continue my education — to 
embrace the complexities of the 
world and stave off my own obso-
lescence.
So I re-enrolled at Columbia to 
take Machine Learning for Data 
Science and Analytics, Artificial 
Intelligence and Robotics.
Not really. But I could have. 
Any of us can be a Columbia stu-
dent, for free, through ColumbiaX, 

their massive open online courses 
(MOOCs).
I don’
t want the robots to grow 
suspicious of me, especially after 
how they behaved in a spate of 
Super Bowl ads, so I am starting 
with Udemy, an online platform 
whose mission is to improve lives 
through learning. With more than 
100,000 courses, no graduation 
requirements and a discount code, I 
was a kid in a curriculum store.
If you were wondering what a 
master’
s degree in “Benology” looks 
like:
• Mind Mapping Mastery –> 
Effective Mind Maps 
• LEARN HARMONICA, amaze 
your friends and have fun 
• Master Rubik’
s Cube in 4 days!
• History of the Middle East - 600 
A.D. to Today
• Introduction to Accounting: The 
Language of Business
• How To Make Sushi With Sushi 
Express
• How to Make a Difference by 
Nicholas Kristof & Sheryl WuDunn
• How to Make a Liquid Soap 
Professionally
• The Board Game Making & 
Customization Guide
First up, Rubik’
s Cube. Instantly 
recognizable totem of endearing 
’
80s nostalgia or crypto-chromo-
cubic cognitive cypher of cross-
coordinated columns and corners? 
Brain train or drain? Metaphor or 
paperweight?
Time to find out — no robo arms 
necessary. ■

views

 
jewfro
Rubrics Cubed

Ben Falik

Ben and Detroit teens visiting Columbia

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