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continued from page 38

My rock bottom — the point where I knew
I had to turn things around — was when
I found myself crying in a bathroom after
throwing up at my own nephew’s birthday
party. I spent years lying to my family and
friends about why I had red eyes, constant
fatigue, throat aches and stomach pains. My
overly conservative family would never accept
the truth.
Today, I am in a better place. I still cringe at
the words “eating disorder,” and I have many,
many relapses — but I’m stronger now. I am
still working on loving my body and myself,

Fighting An Eating Disorder

Battling Anxiety

W

ant to know the fantastic
thing about Generalized
Anxiety Disorder? Imagine a snow-
ball. Each snowflake is an anxious
tendency that gets rolled up into
one giant snowball. Isn’t that great?
Maybe it’s terrific for a snowman,
but not for me.
It all started when I was little
and terrified of tornadoes and
being kidnapped. Eventually, I went
to therapy because I was para-
noid to a point of ridiculousness.
Therapy helped, and my fears were
temporarily subdued. However,
that was only the beginning.
My freshman year, I began to
feel dizzy all the time. I didn’t know
that what I was experiencing was
anxiety. The doctors didn’t initially
consider anxiety and ordered a
hospital test to make sure my heart
and brain were functioning prop-
erly. The results came back normal,
but I didn’t feel any better.
Then sophomore year started.
I was told this would be the best
year of high school, the easiest
and the most fun. Boy, were they
wrong! I struggled immensely with
friends and my grades, and con-
stantly felt down about myself. I
tried to make new friends by join-
ing a youth group, but both times
we went on overnights, I got sick.
My mother even drove four hours
in the middle of the night to pick
me up. Anxiety was preventing me
from doing something as simple
as sleeping out, and I felt horrible
about myself. I convinced myself
there had to be something wrong
with me.
Junior year was shockingly bet-
ter than sophomore year, at least
concerning grades and friends.
Although my anxiety had a differ-
ent idea; life couldn’t be too great,
right? My anxiety decided to think
the most obscene, morbid and
unrealistic thoughts. Constantly.
I thought it was normal because

40

September 6 • 2018

jn

every time a thought would pop in
my head it would be mortifying. I
distinctly remember once walking
toward school and a FedEx guy was
standing near me. For no apparent
reason, I thought, “What if he stabs
me?” This kind of thought was
normal! Obviously, the likelihood of
that scenario playing out was next
to nothing, but I still thought it.
My anxiety has prohibited me
from being social. It has stopped
me from going out and acting my
age. It has me constantly over-
thinking, and I’m my worst critic.
I used to always feel nauseated,
and my head and shoulders would
hurt. My chest would constrict and
slowly the world would end.
After all this, what may surprise
you is I’m a generally happy per-
son. I run cross country, play soc-
cer, do school plays and volunteer
on a regular basis. I’m always busy.
I like being with people, learning
and making friends. I’m a social
butterfly with a chip on her wing.
I’ve struggled long enough that
I’m done letting anxiety rule my
life. I’m open with my struggles
because it feels good to share with
people. I’m learning to cope and
learning that the dark moments
will eventually end. Thanks to my
family and friends, whom I’m very
lucky to have, I know that the bad
days will turn into good days, and
I’ll be OK.
Never give up; life is truly worth
living because you only get one
shot. Even the happiest and lucki-
est person in the world can have
dark moments. Reach out to the
people around you or pick up a
hobby and find something that
makes you happy. Don’t listen to
what other people say because
the people who deserve to be in
your life are the ones who will
stand by you no matter what.
Find those people; be yourself
and keep fighting. •

T

he first time I forced myself to throw up,
I was elated. I felt lighter, happier and
strangely more in control of myself. I had
found a way to prevent weight gain but still
eat whatever I wanted — or so I thought. I
was 12.
Over the years, my preoccupation with food
grew to the point where I dreaded waking up
in the morning because I didn’t want to face
eating. My whole life revolved around food. I
was stuck in a vicious cycle of dieting, fasting,
binging and throwing up. I was left feeling
depressed, exhausted, irritated and fed up
with my body and myself.
Looking back, my six-year struggle with
eating disorders was triggered by the crush-
ing pressures of being a competitive athlete
and not having many friends as a young girl. I
was lonely in elementary school — the weird
fat kid who everyone loved to exclude. I was
told I was too fat to be friends with anyone.
I turned to food for happiness and somehow
throwing up took my mind off things. It made
me too tired to deal with the stresses of life. In
turn, my schoolwork suffered. I barely turned
assignments in on time because I just wanted
to binge, purge and sleep. My athletic perfor-
mance was destroyed, and I ended up sacrific-
ing any chance I had of swimming in college.

Deciding
To Live

I

but I’ve learned to depend on my family and
friends to show me true happiness — not
food. I have embarked on a journey of health-
ier living and building up a circle of support
around me.
Volunteering at Friendship Circle was one
of the many things that pulled me out of
this hole. Working with teens and kids who
are so capable of genuine love and affection
gave me a positive way to channel my energy.
I now have an amazing friend group who
has lifted me up and supported me through
rough times.
I came clean to my family about all the
times I hid food, the disappearances of large
amounts of food and why I skipped so many
days of school — 77 days a semester during
my junior and senior years to be precise.
I’m still not better, but that’s a part of life.
Sometimes you will face uphill battles, but
you are never alone. Find hobbies to invest
yourself in, hang out with people you love and
know that one day you will look back at your
battle scars and they will give you the strength
and determination to keep fighting.
Teenage years are incredibly difficult, but
by creating an atmosphere of love and accep-
tance, no one will ever have to walk that road
alone. •

was 15 when I flew head first through
a back windshield.
I was 15 when my best friend died right
in front of me.
I was 15 when I had to relearn to read,
write and walk.
I was 15 when I stopped sleeping at night.
I was 15 when I had my first suicidal thought.
I was 15 when I became consumed by depression,
anxiety and PTSD.
I was 15 when I was too anxious and sad to eat.
I was 15 when I first attempted suicide.
I was 16 when I started having seizures.
I was 16 when all of my friends decided that I was too
different to hang out with anymore.
I was 17 when I attempted suicide for the last time.
I was 17 when I decided to live.
I was 17 when I painted my room white and decided
to start with a clean slate.
I was 17 when I decided that I was going
to be a success story.
I was 18 when I figured out that I wanted to help
as many people as I could.
I am now 21 and I am the happiest and strongest
that I have ever been. •