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anxious. A third say stress makes them
feel overwhelmed, depressed or sad.
Some research has shown that rates
of depression, anxiety and substance
abuse are higher among affluent teens
than any other group of young people,
and achievement pressure is a signifi-
cant contributor.
“Teens are under
much more pressure
than 20 years ago,”
says Marla Lewis,
clinical director at
Bloomfield DBT. “It
can result in a lot of
anxiety and depres-
sion — and depending
Marla Lewis
on how teens cope
— self-harming behaviors, drug abuse
and isolation. Stress leads teens down
a more dangerous path.”
Lewis says parents can best help
their teens by listening to their feel-
ings without problem-solving for them.
“Teens are trying for autonomy,” she
says. “Validate your kids and let them
make mistakes and learn from them.
“Kids wish their parents trusted
them more to solve their own prob-
lems and wouldn’t judge them on the
decisions they make.”
Perhaps a teen doesn’t want to take
that extra AP class because she wants
to balance time with friends and extra-
curricular activities.
“There are plenty of people who go
to med school and never took an AP
class,” Lewis says. “Trust that if your
children work hard, they will be able to
achieve their goals.”
IT’S SIMPLE MATH
Acceptance rates at elite colleges have
plummeted in recent years, edging out
even the most impressive students.
Less than 5 percent of applicants were
accepted at Stanford University this
year, for example. At the University of
Michigan, acceptance rates fell from 56
percent in 1984 to 32 percent in 2014.
The reason is math.
While the number of students apply-
ing to college is growing, the number
of students a school is accepting is
not growing at the same pace. This is
causing the competition to increase so
much that a student who would have
been accepted 10 years ago will likely
get a rejection letter today.
Also, technology has made it easier
to apply to many schools. Using a
streamlined admissions app, students
can apply to 20 schools — something
unheard of 10 or 20 years ago. As more
students apply, admission rates go
down.
DEALING WITH THE PRESSURE
Paul Siegel Nadiv, 16, of Huntington
Woods, says he’s feeling a lot more
14
August 23 • 2018
jn
stressed about
college. “Stressed
enough to drop
some activities like
theater to get better
grades.”
The Frankel Jewish
Academy student
Paul Siegel Nadiv
who is active in
BBYO says he gets
mostly B’s and would like to attend
either Michigan State University or
Wayne State University to study busi-
ness or political science. “I want to
stay close to home, and most of my
friends are going to MSU.”
He says he does feel the pressure
to excel. “My brothers are at Yale and
Columbia,” he said. “But I feel my par-
ents are behind me.”
Pelli Mechnokov, 16, of Huntington
Woods attends FJA as well. She hasn’t
social stress of being a teen. There’s a
level of anxiety that everyone is suffer-
ing from and stress, depression — it’s
one or the other at any given time.”
He said he makes time to relax.
“Sunday is homework day. On Friday
and Saturday nights, I’m free, not
studying. That’s when I don’t feel the
stress of high school.”
PARENTS NEED TO CHILL
Gallup recently asked teens ages 13
to 17 about the amount of pressure, if
any, they felt from their parents to get
into a good college. Nearly two-thirds
of all American teens say their par-
ents put “a great deal” (22 percent) or
“some” (41 percent) pressure on them.
That number might be even higher
in the Jewish community where there’s
an unspoken expectation of education-
al and financial success in life, leaving
“What you really want kids to be
thinking about is not what’s the best college,
but what’s the best college for them.”
— KIM LIFTON
chosen a college yet
but wants to stay in
Michigan. She main-
tains a 3.96 GPA and
has enrolled in AP
courses. She’s involved
in school musicals,
volunteers at Prentis
Pelli Mechnokov
Apartments in Oak
Park and belongs
to Congregation Beth Ahm in West
Bloomfield. She’s not sure what she
wants to study in college just yet.
“I feel the anxiety and pressure, but
it mainly comes from
myself and my desire
to excel,” she said. “My
parents don’t pressure
me; they only want me
to do my best.”
Fellow FJA student
Bennett Grosinger, 17,
of Franklin also plans
Bennett Grosinger
to go to MSU. “U-M is
hard to get into and I don’t know if I
can get in,” said the 3.5 GPA student.
“MSU is a great school with a better,
less competitive student life.”
Grosinger, who’s active in BBYO, is a
FJA Quiz Bowl co-captain, Argument
Club president and founder and is run-
ning for student body president, plans
to study agricultural economics.
“Parents understand the stress
regarding grades and performance,” he
said, “but they don’t understand the
some teens to feel — rationally or not
— that they have to excel or disappoint
their parents.
This is especially true when it comes
to applying to college.
“The conversation about the appli-
cation process really shouldn’t even
begin until 11th grade,” said Kim
Lifton, owner of Wow
Writing Workshop,
which works with
students on their
college essays. She’s
helped more than 200
students in the last
10 years. She says the
students she works
Kim Lifton
with in the Bloomfield
area have their sights set on getting
into the University of Michigan.
“What you really want kids to be
thinking about is not what’s the best
college, but what’s the best college for
them,” Lifton said. “There are many
hundreds of good colleges out there,
and any one of them might be the right
one for your child.”
Lifton says she spends a lot of her
time calming down parents more so
than students. “They believe kids have
to take five AP classes and have these
remarkable experiences — like teach-
ing kids to read in the Dominican
Republic — to get into college, but
that’s not the case,” Lifton said. “We
tell them grades are the most impor-
tant things and the rigor of curricu-
lum.”
And those college essays? “We tell
parents if your kid wants to write
about something in their grandma’s
backyard, let them. It doesn’t matter,”
Lifton said. “College admission officers
want to know how kids think and if
they can write well enough to survive.
It doesn’t have to be publishable. It
should read like a 17-year-old kid did
it.”
Parents may pressure their kids to
apply to a specific school — perhaps
their alma mater. But even if their chil-
dren have the grades, the extra-cur-
riculars, etc., “being qualified doesn’t
guarantee anything,” Lifton said.
“Students should apply to a school
where they know they’re wanted.”
Lifton counsels students not to be so
quick to rule out the rest of Michigan’s
public universities. “Go to visit and
leave your parent in the car,” she said.
“Don’t let anybody else tell you where
you belong.”
Pressure doesn’t always come from
parents, of course. We’re in a culture
that almost demands achievement —
and that message starts early.
According to Robyn Weiss of West
Bloomfield, a counselor at Berkley
High School, the message that kids
must strive to achieve
begins as early as
elementary school.
“There’s this idea
that kids need to be
perfect — get good
grades, look good, be
on social media, get
high test scores, make
Robyn Weiss
their parents and
grandparents proud —
it’s a lot of pressure,” Weiss says. “As a
department at our high school, we’re
trying to change that message and
make it more balanced. As for college,
we tell students, ‘Where you are is not
who you’ll be.’”
Weiss says she works with students
to help them better understand who
they are and what they want to study.
“Maybe someplace other than U-M
would better fit their
needs.”
Larry Bacow, a
native Detroiter who
recently took the
reins as president of
Harvard, says kids
are under too much
pressure to get into an
Larry Bacow
elite college.
“You can get a good
education almost anywhere as long as
you make the big decisions right,” he
said. “Kids can find their niche within
any school because there are great
teachers everywhere.” •