jews d in the essay My Brother & Kate Spade (Thoughts on Suicide) A Cindy Frenkel Special to the Jewish News 28 lmost 18 years ago, my youngest brother, Tom, died by suicide; he shot himself in the head. A recovering heroin addict who’d been clean 13 years, he relapsed after my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Not long before that, he had fallen in love with a woman who later left him, and he sank into a major depression. With that lethal combination of addiction and depression, he walked a tightrope that ultimately collapsed. I was despondent. My parents discovered him in the condo he rented in Florida; Tom looked so peaceful my father thought he was asleep, but upon closer examination, one could see that his gray sec- tional was soaked in blood. My family was prominent in the Detroit com- munity and consumed with appearances. My mom thought we would be judged if people knew the truth. So, instead of having the traditional closed casket, my brother’s casket was open; which allowed people to presume he overdosed and, indeed, the prospect of his overdosing had been my worst fear. His exit wound was so high up that an extra-large yarmulke covered it, and the funeral home switched the body’s direction, so viewers couldn’t see how swollen his head was (there was a huge spray of roses behind the casket). My brother’s funeral was packed; he was handsome, funny, intelligent and winsome. In many ways, he was excep- tional. No matter. Suicide is an equal opportunity employer, just like addiction. His death cast a wide shadow of misery The author’s late over my life, and its ripple brother, Tom effects are still being felt. The rabbi who officiated at my brother’s funeral was Daniel B. Syme, and it was his first eulogy of a suicide since his own brother’s funeral more than 20 years earlier. I delivered one of the main eulogies; my focus was intently on Tom. I wanted people to remember his charm and effervescence, his ribald sense of humor — how he carried himself with poise and style, how he could engender endearments readily with his quick, witty retorts, like the time a pretty June 21 • 2018 jn blond neighbor said hello to him in his parking lot. a teacher, if my students are depressed (and invari- “How’s your boyfriend?” he asked. “Really good!” ably, it happens every semester), I’ve learned to ask she said. “Sorry to hear that!” Tom replied. if they’re suicidal. I also ask if they have a plan (a Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my broth- therapist friend helped me write out a contract for er. I remember just after his death how my house one student to sign before the police were brought was packed to the brim with flowers, my voicemail in). I always contact the department head and so full no more messages could be had. I looked follow the institution’s protocol, which is critical. around my living room at all the flowers, thinking Before Tom’s death, I thought broaching the subject if only Tom had a clue how important he was, how was a bad thing; now, I know it’s necessary to talk much he mattered. I thought, too, of our fragility, about it — bring it into the light. the tender thread by which all our lives hang and I joined the executive committee of a program how important it is to tell people they matter. called A Single Soul, which is devoted to suicide I started writing poetry about addiction, depres- prevention. The title is derived from the Talmud’s sion and family secrets. To this day, I think shame directive that to save one life is to save the world. It was an accessory to his death. Not long after, was established by Syme, rabbi emeritus at Temple Heinz Prechter, a Detroit automotive executive, Beth El in Bloomfield Township. He’s now the pro- hanged himself with a vacuum gram’s director, continuing a lifelong cleaner cord. It made headlines in mission since his brother’s death. NEED HELP? all the local papers. Wally, his widow, The advisory committee consists of The National Suicide 36 members, which is the double of became a vocal advocate for bipolar Prevention Hotline disorder and used her loss to rally 18, which stands for chai, or life. Peter is open 24/7 for the cause; she began the Heinz Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary fame C. Prechter Bipolar Research Fund, is the honorary national chairman; and it’s free: which has more than $20 million Yarrow also has known the loss of a 1-800-273-8255. invested in fighting this illness. Later, loved one by suicide. we set up a fund at Common Ground Such loss is far more common than in Tom’s memory, but there was still a lot of silence I’d ever dreamt. Years ago, I was in a car with three in the family. My father did not want me to cry in coworkers. We’d been colleagues for nearly a year. front of my mother, thinking it was bad for her During the ride, one casually mentioned that she’d health. lost a sibling to suicide. My other coworker chimed Last week, one of my dearest friends took me for in that he, too, had a sibling die by suicide. And so, dinner to celebrate my birthday — and she gave then, did I. me a Kate Spade credit card case. Kate Spade’s I can’t pretend to know the root causes of suicide suicide left me bereft — and I’m no fashionista. It although I can certainly point to contributing fac- was a tangible reminder of how prevalent suicide tors: the alienation in our technological society, the is in America. And then, Anthony Bourdain hanged pressure to conform, the importance of competing himself. It doesn’t stop. Before Tom’s death, I never in a global market, the materialism of our culture even thought suicide was an option. Since then, I’ve and the fact that depression is an actual illness. learned a lot about suicide and its prevention, too. The list goes on. Who knows? Even with chemical According to Syme, in America, one person dies imbalances, ultimately, the cause is elusive. by suicide every 11.8 minutes. The number of sui- Advances are being made in understanding the cides in the U.S. rose from 43,000 to 45,000 last year. root causes of depression and suicidal ideation at In spite of all the programs in place, its growth many hospitals throughout the U.S. Still, the rates is especially prevalent among teenage and college keep rising. What can I do? Talk about it. Educate youth, particularly girls. And this does not even people. Write this. • address those in the military or blue-collar people who find themselves unemployed or unemployable. Cindy Frenkel teaches writing and literature at Oakland What have I done differently? First, in my work as Community College and Lawrence Technological University.