jews d
in
the
essay
My
Brother &
Kate Spade
(Thoughts on Suicide)
A
Cindy Frenkel
Special to the
Jewish News
28
lmost 18 years ago, my youngest brother,
Tom, died by suicide; he shot himself in
the head. A recovering heroin addict who’d
been clean 13 years, he relapsed after my mother
was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Not long
before that, he had fallen in love with a woman who
later left him, and he sank into a major depression.
With that lethal combination of addiction and
depression, he walked a tightrope that ultimately
collapsed.
I was despondent. My parents discovered him
in the condo he rented in Florida; Tom looked so
peaceful my father thought he was asleep, but upon
closer examination, one could see that his gray sec-
tional was soaked in blood.
My family was prominent in the Detroit com-
munity and consumed with appearances. My mom
thought we would be judged if people knew the
truth. So, instead of having the traditional closed
casket, my brother’s casket was open; which
allowed people to presume he overdosed and,
indeed, the prospect of his overdosing had been
my worst fear. His exit wound was so high up that
an extra-large yarmulke covered it, and the funeral
home switched the body’s direction, so viewers
couldn’t see how swollen his head was (there was a
huge spray of roses behind the
casket).
My brother’s funeral was
packed; he was handsome,
funny, intelligent and winsome.
In many ways, he was excep-
tional. No matter. Suicide is an
equal opportunity employer,
just like addiction. His death
cast a wide shadow of misery
The author’s late
over my life, and its ripple
brother, Tom
effects are still being felt.
The rabbi who officiated at my brother’s funeral
was Daniel B. Syme, and it was his first eulogy of a
suicide since his own brother’s funeral more than
20 years earlier.
I delivered one of the main eulogies; my focus
was intently on Tom. I wanted people to remember
his charm and effervescence, his ribald sense of
humor — how he carried himself with poise and
style, how he could engender endearments readily
with his quick, witty retorts, like the time a pretty
June 21 • 2018
jn
blond neighbor said hello to him in his parking lot.
a teacher, if my students are depressed (and invari-
“How’s your boyfriend?” he asked. “Really good!”
ably, it happens every semester), I’ve learned to ask
she said. “Sorry to hear that!” Tom replied.
if they’re suicidal. I also ask if they have a plan (a
Not a day goes by when I don’t think of my broth- therapist friend helped me write out a contract for
er. I remember just after his death how my house
one student to sign before the police were brought
was packed to the brim with flowers, my voicemail
in). I always contact the department head and
so full no more messages could be had. I looked
follow the institution’s protocol, which is critical.
around my living room at all the flowers, thinking
Before Tom’s death, I thought broaching the subject
if only Tom had a clue how important he was, how
was a bad thing; now, I know it’s necessary to talk
much he mattered. I thought, too, of our fragility,
about it — bring it into the light.
the tender thread by which all our lives hang and
I joined the executive committee of a program
how important it is to tell people they matter.
called A Single Soul, which is devoted to suicide
I started writing poetry about addiction, depres-
prevention. The title is derived from the Talmud’s
sion and family secrets. To this day, I think shame
directive that to save one life is to save the world. It
was an accessory to his death. Not long after,
was established by Syme, rabbi emeritus at Temple
Heinz Prechter, a Detroit automotive executive,
Beth El in Bloomfield Township. He’s now the pro-
hanged himself with a vacuum
gram’s director, continuing a lifelong
cleaner cord. It made headlines in
mission since his brother’s death.
NEED HELP?
all the local papers. Wally, his widow,
The advisory committee consists of
The National Suicide 36 members, which is the double of
became a vocal advocate for bipolar
Prevention Hotline
disorder and used her loss to rally
18, which stands for chai, or life. Peter
is open 24/7
for the cause; she began the Heinz
Yarrow of Peter, Paul and Mary fame
C. Prechter Bipolar Research Fund,
is the honorary national chairman;
and it’s free:
which has more than $20 million
Yarrow also has known the loss of a
1-800-273-8255.
invested in fighting this illness. Later,
loved one by suicide.
we set up a fund at Common Ground
Such loss is far more common than
in Tom’s memory, but there was still a lot of silence
I’d ever dreamt. Years ago, I was in a car with three
in the family. My father did not want me to cry in
coworkers. We’d been colleagues for nearly a year.
front of my mother, thinking it was bad for her
During the ride, one casually mentioned that she’d
health.
lost a sibling to suicide. My other coworker chimed
Last week, one of my dearest friends took me for
in that he, too, had a sibling die by suicide. And so,
dinner to celebrate my birthday — and she gave
then, did I.
me a Kate Spade credit card case. Kate Spade’s
I can’t pretend to know the root causes of suicide
suicide left me bereft — and I’m no fashionista. It
although I can certainly point to contributing fac-
was a tangible reminder of how prevalent suicide
tors: the alienation in our technological society, the
is in America. And then, Anthony Bourdain hanged pressure to conform, the importance of competing
himself. It doesn’t stop. Before Tom’s death, I never
in a global market, the materialism of our culture
even thought suicide was an option. Since then, I’ve and the fact that depression is an actual illness.
learned a lot about suicide and its prevention, too.
The list goes on. Who knows? Even with chemical
According to Syme, in America, one person dies
imbalances, ultimately, the cause is elusive.
by suicide every 11.8 minutes. The number of sui-
Advances are being made in understanding the
cides in the U.S. rose from 43,000 to 45,000 last year. root causes of depression and suicidal ideation at
In spite of all the programs in place, its growth
many hospitals throughout the U.S. Still, the rates
is especially prevalent among teenage and college
keep rising. What can I do? Talk about it. Educate
youth, particularly girls. And this does not even
people. Write this. •
address those in the military or blue-collar people
who find themselves unemployed or unemployable. Cindy Frenkel teaches writing and literature at Oakland
What have I done differently? First, in my work as Community College and Lawrence Technological University.