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not able to return home to parents or
relatives, due to circumstances deemed
by the courts, then he or she becomes
available for adoption.)

THEIR ADOPTION STORY

Q: Tell us about the process of open
adoption and your family experience.
Erika: Strange as it sounds, it’s like
dating. You have to find the right fit
and that starts with the agency. Early in
the process, we approached one of the
biggest faith-based adoption agencies
in the state — assuming they would be
nondenominational in the same way the
Jewish community agencies here serve
everyone.
Rick made the call, and they talked
about the process and going to an ori-
entation, then made the request that
we needed a referral from “our pastor.”
And to Rick’s credit, he was taken by
surprise, and responded, “We’re Jewish.
Will a rabbi count?” That’s when they
put him on hold to “check.” And the
administrator came back and told him,
“No, we’re sorry, but that won’t work.”
Adoption is a wonderful option and,
for us, it was the right one. It’s also a
soul-searching roller coaster ride to find
your match. And it’s far from a private
matter. I remember spending six stress-
ful months just putting together our
family photo book, second-guessing
what pictures best represented us and
our story.
But when you find the right match,
you know it. As it turned out, we were
fortunate to find Morning Star Adoption
Center, a wonderful small agency right
here in Southfield. We were matched in
July of 2012 with our daughter’s birth
mom, who was 27 years old, married
with children and three months preg-
nant.
Nothing is easy about preparing for
the birth of a child you are about to
adopt from a couple you meet and come
to know as friends. We knew enough
to keep ourselves in check, that at any
minute the birth parents could say “no,”
and it could be the end of our hopes and
dreams.
Our first meeting was at this res-
taurant in the middle of nowhere. We
walked in with our case worker from
the agency and the place was empty.
There in the corner was this young
couple waiting for our arrival. Our first
attempts at conversation were awk-
ward; she didn’t want to look at me
and I didn’t know what to do. But a
couple of hours later, we were talking,
hugging and even crying. We realized
that the decision this young couple had
made was the most unselfish thing for
the benefit of the child. They were a
family with an unplanned pregnancy
with a child they couldn’t afford. They
embraced us, and we did them. They
even signed a waiver where we could

22

May 31 • 2018

jn

Rick and Erika Jones

call their doctor if ever we had ques-
tions, and for six months we were at
every OB/GYN appointment. We were in
the hospital room when Samantha was
born, and my husband was invited to
cut her umbilical cord, It was all so sur-
real and very special.
Q: What is your relationship now with
your daughter’s birth family?
Erika: We have an open adoption. We
bonded with them early on and made a
promise that we would keep in touch,
and we kept that promise. Our daugh-
ter’s birth family chose us, and we do
not take that for granted for one min-
ute. Keeping our promise is the least we
can do. We also honored them by giving
Samantha her biological half-sister’s
name as her middle name.

ADOPTION VS. FOSTERING

Q: What do you find that adoptive and
foster parents have in common?
Erika: Empathy, compassion and
love. For me, there is no distinction
between “biological,” adopted or foster.
Being a parent is the ability to nurture,
love and provide guidance to help a
child grow, be the best person they
can be, whether it is for forever or for a
moment in time.
Q: What’s the first thing you would
tell parents wanting or waiting to adopt
a child?
Erika: Have faith. It’s so cliché; but
it’s true: The matches do happen, and
they happen with the right fit. Before
Rick and I became parents, we talked
about closed adoption, semi-open and
open adoption. The truth is you don’t
know what you don’t know. We made
the personal choice of an open adoption
because we want Samantha to always
know where she came from. For her to
know her story.
I also tell parents to be patient and
have respect for the other side. The pro-

cess of adopting a child takes time and
it’s hard on you, but it’s also very hard
on the family letting go. No one plans to
become pregnant with the goal of plac-
ing the child up for adoption. It’s a hard
choice to make, and many times the
person who must make that choice will
have to go up against members of the
family who disagree.
Rick: I would add that it’s important
that you and your spouse are both on
the same page before you commit to
adoption. Make sure you understand
what the other wants and the outcome.
Be forthright. The process is such a
huge sacrifice and emotional effort —
you have to be stable, and you have to
be a team.
Q: Let’s talk about foster care and the
distinction between adoption.
Erika: People need to understand
foster care is meant to place kids in a
nurturing environment as interim care
until such time that the biological fam-
ily can welcome their child back into
their home.
Michigan is a “reunification state”
— meaning that parents are given
an opportunity to improve their cir-
cumstances. We know to call Child
Protective Services (CPS) to report
anything if there’s fear for a child’s well-
being. When CPS finds neglect or abuse,
children are often removed to ensure
their safety.
We also find that most parents who
lose custody of their kids are good
people who have made poor choices;
it could be that there’s no heat in the
home and the mom needs resources to
pay the bill or there’s a single mom with
six kids who needs support and doesn’t
know where to turn.
To become a foster parent, you go
through many hours of training — and
trauma training. You can’t be shy or pri-
vate because they want to look at your

bills; they need to look at your home.
For every rule, there’s a reason because
somewhere, somehow, the system failed
a child.
Adoption is intrusive when you do
your home study; foster care is much
more so. They really need to know that
you are in it for the right reasons, and
that you are able to provide.
Our foster son just turned 2 and has
been with us for more than a year and
a half. I’ll never forget the knock on the
door, the day our foster child came into
our care. There were two CPS workers
bringing us this skinny, malnourished,
8-month-old. It was heartbreaking. As a
foster parent, you know nothing about
the immediate situation. You are signed
up to step in at a moment’s notice to
provide care and comfort to a child
who has just been taken from his or her
home.
Every child who is removed from the
only normal home they know is terri-
fied. For weeks on end — no exaggera-
tion — he cried 24/7 unless I held him.
He was afraid of men. If I tried to pry
him off my shoulder, he’d dig into me.
Rick would wrap him into the body baby
carrier to calm him and finally bond
with him. And we found a really nice
day care with a Jewish grandma in Oak
Park to fatten him up.
The difference we made with this
child in 19 months is night and day —
and that’s what unconditional love does.
It’s life-saving.
I know his parents love him; we see
them three times a week for visitations,
and they have meetings with child wel-
fare professionals and attend programs
to help them succeed in getting their
child back. Our foster child’s mom has
my number with the invitation to call
anytime because Rick and I want her
to succeed as a parent. Her success will
help her son’s success and future.
And my daughter? We have been very
open with her from the get-go that we
were helping her foster brother until
his mommy and daddy “are ready.” We’d
take her to his visitation drop-off and
pick-up, so she could meet his parents
and understand that we were not his
“forever” mom and dad. We’d go to
foster parent events with Child Safe
Michigan — a Judson Center affiliate —
so she can meet others in the commu-
nity who help kids the way we do.
I would also encourage anyone who
is interested in learning more about
becoming a foster parent or even adop-
tion, just to reach out. I am always open
to talk to with others when it comes to
changing a child’s life and repairing the
world. My email is erika_jones@
judsoncenter.org. •

Vivian Henoch is editor of myjewishdetroit.org
where a longer version of this story was first pub-
lished.