jews d
in
the
Dress-Up
Dilemma
Dear Debra
S
end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us.
DEAR DEBRA,
Whenever a friend’s
daughter visits, she
asks if she can try on
our daughter’s clothes.
Debra Darvick
This isn’t playing with
our dress-up clothes,
but actually going into
our daughter’s closet
and chest of drawers and taking things
out to put on. It’s bizarre, yes?
I have told her no and engaged the girls
in other activities, but she asks again and
again. Not only do I think this is inap-
propriate play, but it makes a mess of
my daughter’s room. Do you think there
is something wrong with this child? The
girls are 5 and it’s not like my daughter’s
clothes are any better or fancier than her
friend’s.
— Dress-Up Dilemma
DEAR DRESS-UP,
I don’t know if there is something emo-
tionally wrong with the child although I
admit it is a rather strange preoccupa-
tion. I would continue to handle it the
way you are, keeping them involved in
other activities and keeping an eagle
eye out that they don’t slip away into
your daughter’s room to play costume.
If you are consistent with your response
that she cannot play in your daughter’s
clothes closet, hopefully she will get the
message.
Talk to the mom for her take on it.
For instance, when she comes to get her
child, you might say, “Friend, Kiddo real-
ly likes to play dress up which is great;
we have tons of stuff. But I have to draw
the line at my daughter’s actual clothes.
It gets way out of hand and I only have
so much refolding time. So, if she men-
tions it, could you reinforce my message
that our costume basket is for play and
the other clothes are off limits?”
DEAR DEBRA,
A former colleague sent me a note that
he has started an arts program for teen
girls and young women. He wants me to
donate and help promote it. In the past,
I’d mentioned to two different women
that he and I had worked together. Their
38
April 19 • 2018
jn
responses were instantaneous and nearly
identical in telling me he had forced him-
self on them, trying to kiss them in eleva-
tors and other semi-public places.
Our business relationship was con-
ducted entirely by phone, so I was never
with him alone or with others. I don’t
want to accuse someone on hearsay, but
I am quite uneasy about the whole situa-
tion. The concept of an arts program for
women is laudable; but given what these
women said, I don’t want to help this man
have access to young women in any way.
Other than not participating, is there any-
thing I can actually do?
—Mistrusting Motives
DEAR MISTRUSTING,
Demur by first thanking your former
colleague for the opportunity and then
follow up by saying you’re not able to
help at this time. You are right that you
cannot accuse someone on hearsay,
even if that hearsay is chillingly similar.
The best you can hope for is that any
young women who participate in the
program have been well coached by
their parents and other loving adults
in speaking up and loudly if they feel
threatened in any way by anyone, no
matter what gifts and/or scholarships
he offers.
DEAR DEBRA,
I am in a quandary. I have a new friend.
We are on the same wavelength in so
many ways. She is not Jewish and is from
Europe (although she’s lived in this coun-
try for years). Her husband is Jewish, but
they are not connected to the community
in any way.
When I told her about a plan of alter-
native coursework I was pursuing, she
said something like, “Wow, good for you.
That costs a lot and being Jewish, well,
you must really have wanted to do that.
You know, it’s so hard for Jews to spend
money.”
I was stunned and utterly tongue tied. I
had to leave very soon after and was just
in shock that she could be so insensitive.
Her husband, who was with us and whom
she included in her “assessment” of Jewish
spending, said nothing.
She and I are due to get together soon,
and I don’t know what to do. How could
such a nice person be so anti-Semitic?
What if she says something like this
again? What if I introduce her to my
friends, many of whom are Jewish, and
she repeats this?
— Deeply Hurt
DEAR HURT,
I totally understand the feeling of being
blindsided by someone with whom you
feel so simpatico. She broke a founda-
tional trust on your part. If your heart is
still hammering at the memory of this
exchange, try to take a breath and be
open to the possibility that she had no
idea of the impact of her words. I know,
hard to imagine in this day and age, but
humor me for a moment.
We are still in the period known as
the Counting of the Omer, the seven
weeks between Pesach and Shavuot.
Many Jews use this time for reflection
and spiritual self-improvement. Rabbi
Simon Jacobson’s Spiritual Guide to the
Counting of the Omer presents 49 steps
to personal refinement according to the
Jewish tradition.
I received your letter on the day of the
Omer that Rabbi Jacobson presents the
idea of “lovingkindness in discipline.”
He sets forth the idea of loving some-
one enough to “want them to be their
best.” He writes, “Tolerance of people
should never be confused with toler-
ance of their behavior … Love for people
includes wanting them to be the best
they can be and therefore helping them
be aware of anything less than perfect
behavior.”
You care for your new friend. She has
exhibited a behavior that is not only
unacceptable and hurtful to you, but
also reflects very poorly upon her in a
way that clouds (and prompts you to
doubt) her true kind and loving nature.
You owe it to her to gently let her know
how deeply her comment hurt you
and how inappropriate it was. Though
stereotypes are built around a kernel
of truth, you would be doing her a kind-
ness to let her know that such stereo-
types have a long and unpleasant odor
of bigotry. Repeating them is simply not
done by well-intentioned people.
If she is as sensitive as you have
experienced, you can be reasonably
confident that she will apologize and
feel truly remiss. People say stupid
thoughtless things all the time. I am not
excusing her comment in any way. But
if you choose to continue the friendship,
try and see her comment in the “stupid-
thoughtless” category and not as an
anti-Semitic attack.
DEAR DEBRA,
My son has just become engaged and
informed us that his fiancée, whom we
adore, wants a very small wedding. No
friends, no “outer tier” relatives on either
side. My son has told me I cannot even
invite my siblings and their spouses
because her parents are not inviting their
siblings. Finances have nothing to do
with their choice. Her family isn’t close to
their extended families, but my siblings
have been a loving and ongoing presence
in my son’s life. My son is deferring to his
fiancée. My siblings would be terribly hurt
to be excluded. The thought of my friends
not being with me on such an important
and joyous day is devastating. I think my
son and his fiancée are taking this small
wedding idea too far. How can I get them
to change their minds about this?
— MOG
DEAR MOG,
Every wedding comes with some point
of contention; this is yours. The best
news is that you adore your future
daughter-in-law, a blessing that bodes
well for the future of all involved.
Hopefully you and your husband can
sit down with the couple and come to a
middle ground.
Not having your friends there might
diminish your joy, but not extinguish it.
This is your concession. Your son should
step up and articulate to his fiancée
the important role his aunts and uncles
have played in his life. This will be future
daughter-in-law’s concession.
I think the bridal industry does every-
one a disservice by gliding over the real-
ity that a marriage is not just about unit-
ing a couple, but in the best of situations
brings together two families who will
love and support both the bride and the
groom throughout their lives together.
No matter who attends, take comfort
that your son has found his bashert and
that you and your husband will soon be
fulfilling one of the mitzvot incumbent
upon you and your husband as parents
— bringing your son to the chuppah in
marriage. Now go and find a gorgeous
dress to wear. •
Debra Darvick is the author, most recently, of
We Are Jewish Faces.