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My Friends Were Right

T

prises.
here’s nothing like it,” my friends
My heart has no assignment but to
began saying. “Nothing in the
world!” They weren’t talking kale love. It isn’t obsessed with schedules or
deadlines. It doesn’t future-fret about
or cilantro. Or the season’s best read.
college or carpools. It neither
They were talking grand-
second guesses me nor sinks
children. Yes, grandchildren.
in the face of newbie insecuri-
“Just wait,” they’d say, smug
ties. There’s no obsession over
with a knowledge that admit-
milestones. Olivia’s teeth will
tedly I didn’t possess.
come in when they are ready
I did have 63 combined
to emerge. She will crawl when
years of parenting my now-
she’s ready to locomote. She will
adult children. That’s more
speak when speech clicks for
than a fleeting familiarity
her. She will walk when crawl-
with being utterly smitten-
Debra Darvick
ing no longer serves her. While
drunk in love with my babies.
those milestones wait in the
I know the elation of that
wings, all I am called upon to
slew of firsts — smiles, hugs,
do is love this delicious sweet
laughs, raspberries, teeth,
bundle of squeals and grins, luscious
steps. I can revisit the highs of hearing
wrinkles and dreamy softness.
my kids’ first words because I still have
As a new parent, I glommed onto
the journals recording their mamas,
something Mr. Rogers said about
dadas, I wuv ooos and nos! How much
more love could my heart generate? Or becoming a parent giving you a sec-
ond crack at your own childhood. I
need to?
And then Olivia was born. My friends well nigh engraved that one upon my
heart. My kids and I delighted in bugs
were right. Each and every one. There
and bunnies. We read endlessly. We
is nothing like it. Nothing in the world.
danced in the rain and played dress
Olivia disappears time. I am with her
up. With the help of wise therapists I
and the world drops away. I watch her,
healed childhood traumas, striving to
love her, play with her fully in the now.
become the kind of parent my children
Forget meditation. Forget mindfulness
deserved to have. Rain puddles aside,
practice and yin yoga. When I am with
my reality never wavered — I was first
Olivia, I am alive within every moment
as if as newly arrived as she is. Whether and foremost a parent.
My job was to guide and discipline,
we’re rolling a ball down an improvised
to role model the kind of people I
slide, or clapping hands, or trying to
hoped my children would become. I
catch a ribbon of water as it falls from
traveled a road much taken yet one not
the spout at bath time, that’s all that
exists. In tandem we discover the world infrequently marked by uncertainty,
fear, delight, passion, confidence and
— a magical universe of unfurling sur-

self-doubt. Somehow, we all made it
through.
In those early years, I wrote in my
journal, “Oh, I just wish I could have
perspective. I just want to know it will
all be OK!” Such innocent and impos-
sible yearnings. For perspective belongs
to the time-weathered. Perspective now
lies gently in my hand, the same hand
that once gripped a pen as if it were a
magic wand, as if inking a mere word
on a page could manifest it into my life.
I have joined that club my friends
so lovingly and smugly knew would
change my life and I have no idea if it
will all be OK. We have escaped many
sorrows; others rained down upon us
and upon our children. Today, we pre-
vail. Tomorrow, who knows? But in this
moment, everything is OK. Unfettered
by the worries that forest the landscape
of parenthood, I simply witness and
cherish each of Olivia’s moments.
Mr. Rogers was right. Becoming a
parent gives you a second crack at
childhood. What he didn’t say was
that becoming a grandparent gives
you a second crack at parenthood.
Becoming a grandparent allows you
to walk beside the young mother still
within you, healing her and praising
her, comforting her and celebrating her
and sometimes, when the moment is
right, gently and respectfully sharing
her hard-fought wisdom with the gen-
eration now coming up. Nothing beats
that. Not even kale. •

Debra Darvick is the author of This Jewish Life:
Stories of Discovery, Connection and Joy.

guest column

Raising Awareness About Domestic Violence

N

ow more than ever, in
these times racked by
violence and harass-
ment, the 100 Mensches need
your help.
Founded in 2015 by Jewish
Family Service, 100 Mensches
is a grassroots group of men
dedicated to raising aware-
Mark Picklo
ness about domestic abuse
within the Jewish community
and to seeking solutions to
combat it.
We’ve partnered with the
Jewish Coalition Against
Domestic Abuse (JCADA) to
distribute purple ribbons to
area temples and synagogues
in October for Domestic
Violence Awareness Month.
Steven Spector
And we’ve sponsored an essay
contest for graduating high

school seniors to answer the
question, “How can Jewish
values help create a future
free of domestic abuse?” Now
in its third year, the contest
is under way with entries due
April 20. College scholarships
totaling $5,000 await the top
three submissions.
New this year is the profes-
sionally guided workshop on
Toxic Masculinity we’ll be
offering on April 24 from 5-7
p.m. at Jewish Family Service
in West Bloomfield. The
workshop is designed to help
attendees examine how gen-
der role socialization contrib-
utes to domestic abuse, sexual
harassment and sexual abuse.
And it helps us look at the
context within which these

social problems coexist in all of us.
It’s an incredibly timely topic that
merits our community’s attention and
we hope you’ll attend.
And if there are any mensches
out there — and we know there are!
— please consider joining the 100
Mensches and supporting this critical
work.
For more information on the 100
Mensches or to RSVP for the Toxic
Masculinity workshop, contact Danny
Kaplan at dkaplan@jfsdetroit.org. •

Mark Picklo and Steven Spector are co-chairs of
100 Mensches. Mark Picklo is an attorney and
JFS board member who believes that protect-
ing and defending the rights of all victims is
essential to a just society. Steven Spector is a
psychologist and JFS board member working
to create a world free of hatred and violence for
his growing grandson.

My
Story

Photo: John Hardwick

Sherri Ketai is passionate
about Detroit’s Jewish community.
Areas where she’s been active
include JFMD’s Israel & Overseas,
Jewish Women’s Philanthropy,
Jewish camps, and she served as
Federation Campaign Chair. In all
of these things, Sherri describes
herself as an action person, wanting
to get right to the business of helping
people, which is why she believes
she was drawn to join the Hebrew
Free Loan Board.
“The real beauty of our Jewish
community is that we help one
another,” Sherri said. “We have all
of these resources in Detroit, and
we’re uniquely supportive of each
other. HFL epitomizes that. It’s a
hands-on, collaborative agency
that uses community resources for
the betterment of that community,
quickly and efficiently.”
Sherri credits her family with the
drive she uses in her volunteer life.
“My grandfather, Sam Solomon,
along with my wonderful parents,
taught me that family and community
were paramount. My family worked
hard, and growing up, I knew what
it was like to not have everything.
Now, my kids have a good life, but
they also have a good grounding,
and I’m modeling that mantra for
them. I’m walking the walk, showing
them how good we have it here,
and how we can use our talents to
keep it going.”
Hebrew Free Loan, Sherri says,
isn’t just about financial services,
it’s also about respect and dignity.
“The compassion and the good
we do make this such a point of
pride. It touches lives positively.”

Click. Call. Give Now.
www.hfldetroit.org
248.723.8184

Health. A fresh start.
A good education.
The next great business idea.

Hebrew Free Loan gives interest-
free loans to members of our
community for a variety of
personal and small business
needs. HFL loans are funded
entirely through community
donations which continually
recycle to others, generating
many times the original value
to help maintain the lives of
local Jews.

6735 Telegraph Road, Suite 300 • Bloomfield Hills, MI 48301

Hebrew Free Loan Detroit

jn

@HFLDetroit

March 22 • 2018

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