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Estranged,
Sad & Angry

Dear Debra

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— Not an Aunt but an Anti

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26

February 22 • 2018

jn

My brother and
I are estranged.
After many years
of attempts to
Debra Darvick
solve longstanding
issues, I decided it
was best to cease
contact with him.
I have been able to
maintain limited contact with my
nephews who are of middle and high
school age.
I sent each of my nephews a check
for Chanukah as a gift from my hus-
band and me. Soon after, I received
an email from my brother telling me
he had destroyed the checks and
ordering me never to contact them
again.
Over the years, despite the conflict
with my brother, I did my best to
maintain contact with my nephews
— attending their plays and sports
events, celebrating with them each
of their bar mitzvah ceremonies and
celebrations. I am heartsick at being
written out of their lives and hate to
think that my nephews believe I do
not care about them. How could my
brother do this? What can I do to
renew contact with my nephews?

DEAR ANTI,

How terribly sad that your brother
is foisting this feud upon his own
children, taking revenge upon you
by withdrawing loving family from
them. In truth, you were the one
who ceased contact, justified though
you may have been. From his per-
spective, I’d imagine he thinks he is
protecting them. Cain thought he
was justified, too.
If resolving your differences with
your brother was so insurmountable
that you had to cease contact with
him, I do not know how you will
be able to renew contact with your
nephews at this point. Given that his
sons are minors, your brother holds
all the cards. Hopefully, when the
boys are in college, you will be able to
reach out to them.
Assuming you are in touch with
other family members who can keep
you in the loop, when the day comes
you can send your nephews a heart-
felt letter asking to be a part of their
lives again. You won’t dish on your
brother or speak ill of him but will
express your sorrow at not having
been a part of their lives and your
hopes that you can renew the loving
relationship you once shared.
I’d wager this familial disharmony
has not gone unnoticed by your
nephews. It’s quite possible that
they, too, by the time they are of age,
will have in some way experienced
your brother’s irrationality when it
comes to solving conflicts in a lov-

