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“Sadness,
depression and
isolation are all
normal for teens.
When it interferes
with normal daily
activities, like
school, then it’s a
warning sign.”

— JEAN NEMENZIK

If you or your teen could benefit
from counseling, contact Jewish
Family Service at (248) 592-2313
or resourcecenter@jfsdetroit.org.

12

February 1 • 2018

jn

thing.”
Jean Nemenzik, clinical direc-
tor at Kadima, says its normal
for adolescents to become
depressed if they are having diffi-
culty at school, their boyfriend or
girlfriend breaks up with them or
they suffer a disappointment.
“It’s not normal that they be so
sad or upset that they can’t get
up and go to school,” she says, “or
they drop out of all their favorite
activities and isolate themselves
in their rooms.
“It’s a matter of severity of
the reaction and the longev-
ity,” Nemenzik adds. “Sadness,
depression and isolation are all
normal for teens. When it inter-
feres with normal daily activities,
like school, then it’s a warning
sign.”
Another red flag: dramatic
changes in your child’s behavior.
“Watch out for self-injury, self-
destructive behaviors, aggres-
sion, outbursts of anger, threats

to run away or talk of hurting
themselves or others,” Goldman
says.

FIRST STEPS FOR PARENTS

Communication is the most
important thing a parent can
do. “But timing is important,”
Goldman says. “Don’t start a
conversation when you’re in a
state of frustration or agitation.
Be able to sit down and have a
calm, private conversation with
your child. Start by saying, ‘I’ve
noticed that’s something chang-

ing in you and I’m concerned.’
Then be prepared to detail what
you’ve been seeing.”
Nemenzik adds that parents
need to do some mental prepara-
tion for what they might hear.
“You need to listen as non-judg-
mentally as you can,” she says.
As a parent, this can be a
tough thing. “In general, when
talking to your child about prob-
lems, you need to listen more
than talk,” Goldman says. “This is
doubly true with teens.”
Ask open-ended questions.
Once you pose a question, just
sit there with the silence. “They
might get to a place where they
start talking.”
Another thing that can work
is getting in the car with your
teen and just driving for a while.
“That’s when some of the best
conversations will happen,”
Goldman says. “I think it’s some-
thing about being together in a
confined space. Neither of you
can leave and you’re both facing
forward, so there’s not that inten-
sity of eye contact. Sometimes,
things will start to emerge.”
If your child won’t open up to
you, suggest they talk to another
caring adult they trust, such as
an aunt, family friend or teacher.
Goldman suggests saying, “‘I can
tell you’re really upset. If you’re
not comfortable talking to me
about it, let’s think of someone
else you can talk to. Who would
be OK?”
As a parent, should you sug-
gest a solution to a problem? It
depends on the situation and
how much of a threat it poses. If
a child is being bullied, for exam-
ple, get input from your teen.
Ask them what they’ve tried. Ask
them what they’d like you to do
(if anything).
“Brainstorm with them and
help them come up with solu-
tions,” Goldman says. “Engage
them in the solutions rather than
saying, ‘Here’s what you should
do.’ Get them talking about pos-
sibilities.
“If you fear your teen is abus-
ing drugs and alcohol, the first
thing to do again is listen. Find
out the circumstances. What
was the situation? What did they
think of the experience? Do they
think they might do it again? Did
they like it?
“On a basic level, it’s illegal.
Start with that,” Goldman says.
“Try to just get information from

them about what their experi-
ence of it was. It may well be they
tried it out of peer pressure and
they didn’t like it. Or maybe they
did like it because it helped them
get over their social anxiety. If
that’s the case, get them in to
see someone who can help them
ease their anxiety in better ways.”
These conversations aren’t
always easy.
“A certain amount of distanc-
ing yourself from parents is a
normal part of adolescence,”
Nemenzik says. “But it’s a fal-
lacy to think most kids don’t
want anything to do with their
parents when they’re teens. They
may not want to spend Saturday
nights at home with you any-
more, but they still care what you
think. They still want your love
and affection and concern.”

TALK OF SUICIDE

If you hear your teen say he or
she wants to die or talk about
killing himself, take it seriously,
Goldman says. “What they are
saying is something is causing
them pain, upset and hurt. Sit
them down and find out what’s
going on.”
By their nature, teens are
impulsive, she says. “They can
act quickly without thinking
things through.”
Nemenzik agrees that talking
or writing about death or self-
harm is never normal. “That’s of
immediate concern. That’s them
reaching out for help.”
If your child talks of suicide,
act to ensure their safety. “Let
your kids know you care deeply
about their well-being, that
you are taking their words and
actions seriously and, therefore,
are going to stay close by until
you are sure they are safe and are
going to be OK,” she says.
When you feel your child
needs more help than you can
provide, your family doctor or
organizations like Kadima and
Jewish Family Service can make
referrals to therapists.
“Intervene with a professional
when your child is talking about
suicide, is at the point of fail-
ing at a key area in their life or
their physical health is at risk,”
Nemenzik says. •

Want to know how teens dealing with
mental health challenges really feel? See
page 13 to read essays from teens in the
community.