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Communication Is Vital

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T

he fascinating marriage of
Isaac and Rebecca — from
the circumstances surround-
ing their arranged nuptials to the
devastating family split over their
twin sons’ bitter rivalry — contains
vitally important lessons for couples
in every generation.
What seems to be missing from
their relationship is open
world of her father, Betuel,
communication. Perhaps
and her brother, Laban,
no better evidence for the
Isaac projected a vision of
distance between them
purity with which Rebecca
is their unverbalized dis-
had no previous experience.
pute surrounding the bek-
When Eliezer revealed
hora, the spiritual blessings
the man’s identity, she took
bequeathed from father to
the veil and covered herself,
son.
not only as a sign of mod-
Rabbi Shlomo
Differences of opinion
esty,
but as an expression
Riskin
between parents will always
of her unworthiness. From
exist, but if the father prefers
that moment on, the veil
Esau and the mother prefers
between them was never
Jacob regarding an issue
removed. She felt she could
as momentous as who will don the
never speak to her husband as an
mantle of spiritual heir to Abraham,
equal. She never felt that she had the
ought there not be a discussion and
right to offer a dissenting opinion.
an opportunity to examine the true
Granted that the veil comes to
nature of their sons’ very different
symbolize the distance between
characters to arrive at a consensus?
their worlds, why was Isaac unable
Instead, Rebecca resorts to ruse,
to bridge that gap? If neither wife
casting the otherwise-guileless Jacob nor husband could speak openly
into a role of deception for which he with each other, there could be no
real communication between them.
is unnaturally suited. Not only does
In my many years of offering
he perpetrate an act that will haunt
marital counseling, I am never put
him for the rest of his life, but what
off when one partner screams at
begins as a split between broth-
the other. As a wife once said to her
ers comes to signify the far greater
husband who complained that she
division between Jews and gentiles
yelled at him too often: “With whom
throughout history.
then should I let out my frustra-
Why must Rebecca resort to
tions? The stranger next door?” Of
deception? Why could she not sim-
course, I am not advocating shout-
ply have raised the issue with Isaac?
ing, but a far more serious danger
The answer can be found in the
is silence — non-communication —
initial encounter between Isaac and
Rebecca, which reflects the gulf that between the couple.
A crucial lesson, then, from the
separates them.
marriage of Isaac and Rebecca is
The Netziv, Rabbi Naftali Tzvi
that we must spend a lifetime work-
Berlin (19th century Poland), in
ing on ourselves and on our relation-
his commentary Ha’Emek Davar,
ship with our spouse. Most impor-
explains that Rebecca fell because
she had never before seen a religious tantly, we must be honest with our-
selves and honest with our spouse:
personality, a spiritual persona who
love them as we love ourselves, and
communed with nature and spoke
learn how to disagree lovingly and
before God.
So awesome was the sight of Isaac respectfully.•
transformed by prayer that she
Rabbi Shlomo Riskin is chancellor of Ohr Torah
was literally knocked off her feet.
Stone and chief rabbi of Efrat, Israel.
Compared to the lying and cheating

Parshat Chaye Sara:

Genesis 23:1-25:18;

I Kings 1:1-31.

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November 9 • 2017

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