jews d

in
the

Where’s The Ring?
S

dear
debra

end your questions to
deardebra@renmedia.us
or look for an anonymous
question submission form
on Debra’s online column at
www.thejewishnews.com.

marriage is your goal. Should
potential love interests “shift
the conversation,” you’ll know
where you stand and can walk
in the other direction.

DEAR DEBRA,

DEAR DEBRA,

Debra Darvick

18

My boyfriend and I have been
living together for three years.
Whenever I bring up getting mar-
ried, he shifts the conversation
to another topic. Or says he’s not
ready. He is a wonderful man. He
is kind, patient, has a good job and
is loving to my daughter (her father
is not in the picture.) But I want to
take this to the next step and have
the commitment that marriage
brings. How do I get him to see this
my way?

I have several friends who commit
each year to raise funds for their
causes. I admire their dedication to
train for these walks and want to
lend my support, but I have grown
weary of being asked each year for
donations. I realize they are doing
this in memory of a dear one or to
fund further research to eradicate
the disease they are championing. I
would prefer to support causes and
research that are meaningful to
me. If I refuse to donate, I will feel
guilty for not being a good friend.

— No Ring

— Donate or Not

DEAR NO RING,
By “shifting the conversation
to another topic” or saying
he’s “not ready” every time
you bring up getting married,
your boyfriend is telling you,
indirectly and directly, that he
doesn’t share your vision of
a committed future together.
How can you get him to see
this your way? You can’t.
While you did not say how
old your daughter is, you
might also consider what she
is learning about relation-
ships, love and commitment.
Her father is not a part of her
life. Your boyfriend is “loving
to her” but not loving enough
to make her mother a top
priority in his life. Is this the
example you want to set for
her? What would you say to
her years hence were she in a
similar relationship?
The ball is in your court —
you can stay with the status
quo or you can leave. If mar-
riage is what you want, and I
remain strongly in favor of lov-
ing and committed marriages,
then he is not your guy. The
time has come to leave the
relationship, devote yourself
to your daughter and create a
stable life for the two of you.
When and if you begin dat-
ing again, make it clear that

DEAR DONATE OR NOT,
Might you find a middle road?
Perhaps donate a smaller
amount than you have in
the past so that you can still
feel you are supporting your
friends while leaving you the
freedom to contribute mean-
ingfully to your own causes. If
you can’t tame the guilts and
your budget allows it, con-
tinue to donate as you have in
the past, with a grateful heart
that you have the means to do
so and with a prayer for con-
tinued good health for your
loved ones and theirs.

June 22 • 2017

jn

DEAR DEBRA,

I have a situation that others might
envy, but trust me, it is not to be
envied. My mother-in-law is too
helpful. As I have to leave early for
work, she comes over to get the kids
ready for school. She then waves
my husband off to work saying she
will leave after she “straightens up.”
Straightening up means rearrang-
ing our furniture, doing our laun-
dry her way and putting things
away so that we cannot find them.
We have asked her not to do this.
I have hidden the bleach she buys
because she has ruined some of
our clothes but she just buys more.
We have even gone a year without
allowing her to visit because her
“help” creates mess and tension.

She has apologized and said she
won’t do it anymore, but then she
goes right back to rearranging our
furniture and washing and bleach-
ing our clothes.
She means well but her help is
driving us over the edge. We don’t
want to banish her again but she is
not leaving us much choice.

—Too Much Help

DEAR TOO MUCH HELP,
How about I see your kids off
to school and M-I-L comes to
my house and cleans out 33
years of stuff in our basement?
I’d even suffer a few bleaching
incidents. Barring that, here
are a few ideas:
1. Change the locks on your
doors and hire a sitter to get
the kids off to school.
2. Discuss with your hus-
band and your husband’s
employers the possibility of
flex time so that one of you
can get the kids out the door.
Again, change the locks on
your doors.
3. Schedule a few sessions
with a therapist so that you,
your husband and his mother
can discuss this in a neutral
setting with a skilled profes-
sional who can tease out any
underlying issues. It sounds as
if your mother-in-law might be
in the grip of an obsessive need
to help. If you can step back
a bit, you might see things in
this light. She obviously wants
to help and loves you all very
much. It is sad and unfortu-
nate that instead she is driving
away the very people she cares
for and who do, I trust, love her
in return.
4. You didn’t mention if your
father-in-law is still alive but if
so, have you tried to get him on
board?
5. Set aside one day a month
for a family cleaning day. Invite
Mom over to help with some
particularly onerous tasks.
Direct her energies while hold-
ing tight to the reins.
And, if all those fail, my
basement and I will be still
be waiting. •

SNAP Challenge

Join Yad Ezra in raising
awareness of hunger.

Can you live off $4.20 for 24 hours
as your only source of food? 1.3
million people in Michigan do.
In fact, one in seven individu-
als relies on SNAP, Supplemental
Nutrition Assistance Program
( formerly known as “food
stamps”), to eat and/or feed the
family — 27 percent of whom are
children, 28 percent of whom are
60 or older.
Look around you …The person
next to you, down the hallway
or the car in your child’s school
pick-up line may be hungry and
living off $4.20 a day to eat —
That’s only $1.20 per meal.
So Yad Ezra is making a chal-
lenge and asking people to live
on a $4.20 daily budget and gain
a better understanding of the
people they serve. That $4.20
includes breakfast, lunch, dinner,
snacks, seasonings and drinks.
Join Yad Ezra at 7:30
p.m. on Tuesday, July 11,
at the Southfield Meijer at
Telegraph and 12 Mile, where
everyone can shop, using their
own $4.20 for what they will live
off for the next 24 hours.
Then, join Yad Ezra for lunch
the next day, eating from your
shopping spree the night before.
On July 12, at noon, everyone
will meet at Yad Era (2850 W. 11
Mile Road, Berkley) with their
lunches to share experiences. The
challenge will end at 7:30 p.m. on
Thursday, July 12.
If you accept the challenge,
contact Nechama at Yad Ezra
at (248) 548-3663 or Nechama@
yadezra.org.
Then challenge your relatives,
colleagues and friends to join
you in the challenge on social
media. Post pictures and com-
ments on FB with the hashtag
#SNAPdetroit. •

SAMPLE FACEBOOK POST

Challenge accepted. I will live on
$4.20 a day for SnapDetroit and
help @YadEzraDet raise awareness
around the 1.3 Michiganians living
on food stamps. I challenge you!
#SNAPdetroit

