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A Little Fatherly Advice Pays Off

STUART M. ISRAEL SPECIAL TO THE JEWISH NEWS

M

y younger son, Nick,
is a Psychological
Operations (PsyOp)
officer in the U.S. Army. He
often wears civilian clothes in
his work. I am his wardrobe
consultant, at least when it
comes to business suits. I
have lots of experience wear-
ing business suits, gained over
decades practicing law.
Nick used to be an Armor
officer. He never wore business
suits at work. He often wore
flame-resistant ACUs and a
tank commander’s helmet, like
the one that ended the presi-
dential aspirations of Michael
Dukakis in 1988.
When Nick switched from
Armor to PsyOp, he needed
business suits. I advised him
to start with Brooks Brothers
basics: a dark blue suit and a

dark gray suit. My advice has
served him well throughout
the U.S., in the Middle East and
in Europe. You can’t go wrong
with Brooks Brothers basics.
No promotional fees were paid
for this comment, but would
be welcomed.
Earlier in the year, Nick was
invited to a black-tie char-
ity event in New York City. It
would be attended by many
machers — policymakers, poli-
ticians, pundits and philan-
thropists. Black-tie! Nick called
me for sartorial advice. While
my expertise is business suits,
I did wear a tux to the senior
prom sometime in the 1960s.
Don’t worry, I told Nick;
wear your dark blue suit. You
will not be ejected. Besides,
what’s the alternative, a rental?
Feh!

Can I wear my best shirt,
Nick asked; it’s blue. Wear
your blue shirt, I answered.
This is the new millennium.
People wear white after Labor
Day. How about a red tie, Nick
asked. Same answer. There will
be others wearing dark suits
and bright ties. It is a charity
event, not the Oscars.
Nick texted a photo from
the event, reproduced here.
Nick is on the left. His dark-
suited, blue-shirted, red-tied
companion is eminent Harvard
law professor and author Alan
Dershowitz.
When it comes to dressing
for success, Nick now knows I
am the go-to guy. Lucky for the
first President Bush that Gov.
Dukakis didn’t have me on his
payroll. •

Fashionistas Nick Israel and Alan Dershowitz.

“Happy Fathering Day”

L

Perry Ohren

20

ots of us are lucky to be parents; about
half of us lucky ones are fathers. Being a
father is a status. It’s something you are.
To father (I’m not referring to the procreation
part here) is a verb; it’s something you do.
Fathering is the everyday, joy-filled, sometimes-
excruciating, dirt-under-your-fingernails,
awake-in-the-middle-of-the-night, am-I-mak-
ing-the-right-decision, angst-ridden, roller-
coaster-ride many of us do every day. Doing
fathering well is the challenge.
My round-the-clock job is fathering.
Sometimes I do a good enough job and some-
times I just show up and it works out, and
sometimes I err. All in a day’s work!
I was lucky to grow up in a home with a
father. He’s 82 now, just had his second knee
replaced and celebrated his 60th wedding anni-
versary last week. He grew up in a time when
fathering was a status. Get a job/be a breadwin-
ner/show up. As time marched on, he realized
that it was socially acceptable to father … to be
involved and curious about all things child (and
grandchild). Handshakes turned into hugs and
full-throated pride.
My day job is as a social worker who runs

June 15 • 2017

jn

Jewish Family Service. JFS helps fathers of
all stripes. Jewish. Gentile. Poor. Wealthy.
Orthodox. Homeless. Suicidal. Scared. Old.
Young. Proud. Unemployed. Adult children.
Holocaust survivors. Fathers come to JFS with
all kinds of problems. Problems making ends
meet. Problems with their kids. Problems with
their partners. Problems with their aging par-
ents. Problems getting older. Problems with
addiction. But … problems are rarely singular.
In other words, “I cannot pay this month’s util-
ity bill” is connected to “My partner and I aren’t
getting along any more” is connected to “I’m
worried about my kid.”
JFS doesn’t have all the answers, but we part-
ner with fathers to help figure out some direc-
tions, some options, some ways to change. My
experience is that most people (men perhaps
in particular) don’t want to do the changing,
but would rather have “the other stuff ” around
them change.
I don’t pretend to have any wisdom on the
subject. I’ve come to realize in my personal and
professional journeys that (cliché forthcoming)
life is hard. We fathers, and I think a big part
of this is gender role socialization (i.e., how

we learn to be boysÆmen), have to: 1. Realize
there’s a challenge. 2. Want to do something
about it. 3. Do something about it.
The “doing something about it” most often
means letting other people in or asking for help.
This counters that gender role socialization
stuff I just referenced and for some (me includ-
ed) it is not easy (understatement intended).
The reality for us fathers is that we’re prob-
ably most fulfilled when we let others in/are
vulnerable/realize we don’t have to do it alone.
And, essentially, that’s my point about fathering.
It’s an interactive process that involves being
there (there’s no app for that!). Being open to
the experience, not having to be an expert in it,
learning along the way and packing large doses
of humility helps us fathers to father.
I’m lucky to be a father to three kids, strad-
dling 20 years of age, give or take three years.
So thanks for the ride to my children, thanks
for fathering and “Papa’ing,” Dad, and Happy
Fathering Day to all. •

Perry Ohren is a social worker, the CEO of Jewish Family
Service, the son of Tom Ohren and, on a good day, fathering
Rebecca, Caleb and Charlie Driker-Ohren.

