jews d

in
the

family

Not Pointless

Dear Debra

S

end your questions to
deardebra@renmedia.us or
look for an anonymous ques-
tion submission form on Debra’s
online column at www.
thejewishnews.com.

DEAR DEBRA,

Debra Darvick

My son has a great life — loving
wife, great kids, professional suc-
cess. Yet every now and then, he
chastises my wife and me for not
realizing he had a learning dis-
ability. It was diagnosed his fresh-
man year in college. He was a
good enough student and we never
thought anything was amiss. When
we respond in this way (many
times), he says if we’d paid more
attention to him, we would have
discovered it earlier. Our son has a
good life. He was obviously smart
enough to compensate for his undi-
agnosed disability. We truly had no
idea that he was struggling to the
extent he says he was. What can I
say to end these pointless conversa-
tions?
— Did the Best I Knew How

DEAR DID THE BEST,

If your son displayed no signs of
struggling academically — acting
out, not completing assignments,
failing courses — then I agree with
you. How were you to know?
I hear your frustration in your
last sentence What can I say to end
these pointless conversations?
What I don’t hear is acknowl-
edgement of his regret at what
he might have achieved, what
opportunities might have been his
had you all known of his learning
disability. Perhaps he hid signs of
his struggle and/or perhaps you
and your wife weren’t as attentive
as you might have been. He stated
this outright and your statement
that you had no idea he was
“struggling to the extent he says
he was” belies your awareness that
he was having some level of dif-
ficulties. You and your wife might
have thought it was a phase.
Maybe his belief in his potential
was higher than yours.
When we know better, we do
better. Your son is giving you the
opportunity to do better now.
Instead of viewing these conversa-
tions as “pointless,” look at them
as an opening for you to say, Son,
we deeply regret we didn’t recognize
the disabilities you were struggling
with. We are grateful your univer-
sity had the appropriate resources
for you and that you pursued them.
We are proud of your successes and
what you have made of your life.
Imagine the son you are having
this conversation with is not a
successful adult but the youngster
your son once was — frustrated,
confused, self-recriminating. The

point of such a conversation is to
offer love, support and healing for
you all.

DEAR DEBRA,

My adult son and his girlfriend are
visiting soon. While they don’t live
together and are not engaged yet,
it’s laughable to think they aren’t
sleeping together. My wife wants
them to stay in separate bedrooms
when they visit. I think this is ridic-
ulous and I’ve told my wife so. We
lived together before marriage, and
I just don’t know what her problem
is. My son also thinks his mother is
being ridiculous. — Peeved

DEAR DEBRA,

Something happened over Passover
that still bothers me. An acquain-
tance of my mother spent Pesach
alone. Her son and his family are
Orthodox and didn’t want her driv-
ing to them on the holiday. She was
reluctant to sleep at their house
where other guests were also stay-
ing. As an elderly woman, she has
her routines. We invited her to our
seder but she didn’t want to be with
“strangers.” So she stayed alone and
had no seder! Is Jewish law really
OK with this?
— Stymied

DEAR STYMIED,

DEAR PEEVED,

Your wife doesn’t have a problem;
she has a different set of values
and moral compass. That you lived
together before marrying is irrel-
evant. What is relevant is that you
don’t seem to care that your wife is
being pressured to do something
she’s not comfortable with, and in
her own home no less.
Instead of joining your son
against her, why not support your
wife’s not unreasonable prefer-
ence? You would then be model-
ing for your son how a loving
spouse treats and respects his
wife, not to mention helping your
son follow the fifth command-
ment, that one about honoring
one’s father and mother. If it’s par-
amount for the couple to share a
bedroom, they can stay at a hotel.
Continue belittling your wife and
you might need to book a room
for yourself, too.

It’s important to remember your
mother’s friend did have options
— staying with her children over-
night or attending your seder. In
Torah-observant communities,
committing an aveira, or sin (such
as driving on the Sabbath or a
holiday), to fulfill a mitzvah is for-
bidden.
From your vantage point, it
seems as if the son and daughter
preferred their mother be alone
as opposed to joining their fam-
ily or others to celebrate Pesach.
In Torah-observant communities
(whose members abide by Jewish
law as written in the Torah and
rabbinic interpretation), one’s
actions are measured against
Divine command as opposed to
human preference. It is sad your
mom’s friend didn’t accept your
invitation. As you know, one of the
first sentences in the Hagaddah is
“Let all who are hungry come and
eat.” This is one of the seder’s core
beauties — no one is a stranger. •

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