jews d

in
the

dear debra

City Girl & Country Husband

S

end your questions
to deardebra@ren-
media.us or look
for an anonymous ques-
tion submission form on
Debra’s online column
at www.thejewishnews.
com.

Debra Darvick

DEAR DEBRA,

My husband and I have
two young children and
have not taken many vacations other than to
visit our parents for family gatherings. This
summer, my siblings and I have planned to
meet at our oldest sibling’s home in New York
City.
My husband grew up in a small town. His
family didn’t take many vacations, and he
does not want to come with our children and
me. He can’t imagine “anything worthwhile” to
do in a city.
I love my siblings; we all have kids and the
cousins are now getting to ages where they
really enjoy one another. How can I change my
husband’s mind?

— Vexed over Vacation

DEAR VEXED,
Nothing worthwhile to do in NYC? Oy.
More on that later. Vacations serve all
sorts of purposes and, in this case, you

and your sibs are gathering not just to
take some bites out of the Big Apple but to
start building experiences and memories
for yourselves and your children. What
a gift to have siblings who want to be
together and nieces and nephews who are
all within playing range of one another!
You can’t change your husband’s mind
by extolling the virtues of New York City.
At least not at first. What you can do is
extol the virtues of building family ties
over vacation. Vacations allow parents
to devote themselves to their children in
ways not possible during the work week.
What kids remember more than any-
thing their parents might give them is
time spent together. Add the bonus of
playmates who are family, and you are lay-
ing the foundation for relationships that
can bolster your children and your fami-
lies for a lifetime. Hopefully, your husband
can recognize the importance of nurtur-
ing these ties, not only for your children,
but for him and you as well.
Here are a few worthwhile outings.
Take the kids to the zoo (Bronx or Central
Park). Visit the aquarium in Coney Island.
It’s a veritable underwater wonderland.
And did I mention the Museum of Natural
History? Dinosaurs! Gems! All those diora-
mas! Chinatown is another world alto-
gether. By taking a city vacation, you are

expanding your kids’ horizons (something
it seems your husband never had the good
fortune to experience).
If your husband still resists, remind
him that in a marriage both partners do
things for one another that they might not
always want to. It’s called compromise. It’s
called making allowances. It’s called love.

DEAR DEBRA,

Late last year, I committed to co-hosting a
bridal shower for the daughter of a close
friend. The shower was to be in our home. In
the interim, my husband has become very ill,
and I am just not up to hosting now. None of
the co-hostesses are exactly “volunteering” in
my stead. Other than just powering through
and having it in our home, what else can I do?

— Co-hostess

offer to share another shower responsibil-
ity (only if you reasonably can) instead of
hosting the shower. Be very clear that you
just cannot have it in your home this time.
True friends will understand and step in
and up.

DEAR DEBRA,

After learning Judaism’s strong stance against
lashon hara (gossip and other destructive
speech), I have become quite aware of a
friend’s gossiping habit. She often precedes
her “dishing” with the disclaimer, “I really
shouldn’t say anything, but…” I never felt com-
fortable with this but am even more uncom-
fortable after studying how damaging gossip is
not only to the one being discussed, but to the
one speaking and the one listening, too. What
should I do?

— No More Gossip Girl

DEAR CO-HOSTESS,
You graciously agreed and then conditions
drastically changed. I assume the others
are aware of the current situation with
your husband’s illness.
If you haven’t yet broached them with
changing the venue, do so as soon as you
put this paper down! If no one can host
the shower, there are restaurants, syna-
gogues and party spaces all over town
where it could be held. If you have the
energy, offer to research such venues. Or

DEAR NO MORE,
How admirable that you are bringing
your studying out from the classroom and
into your life. The next time Gossip Girl
starts disclaiming, interrupt her and say,
“You’re right. You shouldn’t.” Then change
the subject. Eventually, she’ll get the mes-
sage, and you will have the blessing of not
only absenting yourself from a destructive
behavior, but encouraging your friend
toward higher ground as well. •

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April 27 • 2017

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