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44

April 13 • 2017

jn

arts&life

celebrity jews

NATE BLOOM
COLUMNIST

MAJOR-LEAGUE TRIBE MEMBERS
AND BASEBALL FUNNIES

The following is a list of Jewish play-
ers on a major-league team roster
as of April 1. All of these players
have at least one Jewish parent and
don’t identify with a faith other than
Judaism: Ryan Braun, 33, outfielder,
Milwaukee. A six-time All-Star, Braun
came back in 2016 after two previous
sub-par seasons. He batted over .300
and hit 30 homers; Alex Bregman,
23, infielder, Houston. He made his
major-league debut last July, and hit
a respectable .265 after a slow start.
His family belongs to the oldest syna-
gogue in New Mexico, where Bregman
had his bar mitzvah; Craig Breslow,
36, pitcher (mostly relief), Minnesota.
Another bar-mitzvah boy, Breslow
has played for many teams. He hit a
rough patch in 2016 and was sent
to the minors. He pitched for Team
Israel last September and helped them
qualify for the World Baseball Classic.
Minnesota offered him a major-league
contract shortly before the Classic
tournament began, so he had to opt
out of the tournament competition last
March. (Team Israel stunned everyone
by making it to the tourney’s second
round, after beating favorites Korea,
Taiwan and the Netherlands); Scott
Feldman, 34, pitcher, Cincinnati. Like
Breslow, Feldman has pitched for
many teams and has struggled for
the last two seasons. Like Breslow, he
planned to pitch for Team Israel, but
opted out when the Reds offered him
a one-year contract late in January;
Ian Kinsler, 34, second base. This
four-time All-Star team member has
been the Detroit Tigers’ second base-
man since 2014. A great fielder, he
really hit in 2016, smashing 28 hom-
ers and setting a new Tiger season
record (8) for lead-off homers; Joc
Pederson, 24, outfielder; Los Angeles
Dodgers. A streak hitter, he has great
stretches and long slumps. In 2016,
he hit 25 homers, but only batted
.245. On opening day, 2017, he hit a
grand-slam homer — the first Dodger
to do so since 2000. He played for
Team Israel in 2013; Kevin Pillar, 28,
outfielder, Toronto. Another bar-mitzvah
boy, Pillar overcame a slow start and
ended up having had a good 2016
season at-the-bat. He’s also a great
fielder; Danny Valencia, 32, infielder,
Seattle. A good hitter, Valencia, who
was a bar mitzvah, will probably be a
designated hitter this year, with stints
at first base.

Bregman

Kinsler

Azaria

Last week, I told you about the
new IFC series, Brockmire, star-
ring Hank Azaria as a major-league
baseball announcer who has a
meltdown on air, loses his job and is
trying for a comeback as a minor-
league announcer. I just found out
that the first episode is viewable
(free) on YouTube (just enter “IFC”
and “Brockmire.”) This episode fea-
tures two Jewish moments: During
Brockmire’s on-air meltdown, he
says that he walked in on his wife
participating in a very kinky orgy
that included a friend — and he says
about this friend: “I hosted his kids’
bar mitzvahs.”
Another: I don’t think Brockmire,
who sounds Southern, is supposed to
be Jewish, but near the episode’s end,
while calling a home run, he spouts
a line that no non-Jewish announcer
would (really) say: “Oh, folks, that ball
cannot be buried in a Jewish cem-
etery, because that ball has just got
tattooed!” •