views

for openers

Tomorrow’s News

T

experts talking over each other during
ired of all the crazy news mak-
ing headlines today? You haven’t a one-hour program. The new rule
also prohibits consecutive programs
seen nothin’ yet!
from talking about the same topics ad
Let’s jump ahead 1,000 years to see
nauseam.
what 3017 has in store for us in a fea-
Meanwhile, grocery shoppers
ture I call Tomorrow’s News
have reason to celebrate. The
Today.
National Grocers Association
It took centuries of nego-
has announced that by 3018 it
tiating, but Democrats
will be mandatory for all super-
and Republicans have
market produce departments to
finally agreed to a bipartisan
offer plastic bags that take less
healthcare bill that will pro-
than two minutes to open.
vide inexpensive coverage to
Back to political news … After
everyone — except if you’re
being cryogenically frozen for
a politician; which under the Alan Muskovitz
the last 900-plus years, Hillary
new law is considered a pre-
Clinton was thawed out today,
existing condition.
where upon she announced
And in an ironic turn
she’ll run for president in 3020.
of events, on the same
Her opponents are already mak-
day the new healthcare
ing Hillary’s age an issue, claiming
plan was unveiled, the Federal Drug
the former senator will be 1,069 years
Administration rocked the world of
old in October. But Clinton’s camp
medicine by announcing the immedi-
maintains that a defrosted Hillary is
ate availability of a cheap, super drug
“technically” the same age as the day
that researchers say will prevent and
she was frozen.
cure every known medical malady,
Asked if her husband, Bill, will also
thus eliminating the need for health-
be thawed, Mrs. Clinton reminded
care. Go figure!
the press that “Bill was not cryogeni-
Meanwhile, the FDA added that the
cally frozen but, quite the contrary,
new super drug could conceivably
allow people to live forever. Upon hear- is actually residing in a much hotter
location.”
ing that news, lawmakers amended
By coincidence, a cryogenically
the one-day-old 3017 healthcare pro-
frozen Prince Charles has also been
gram to allow children to stay on their
thawed. However, upon awakening,
parent’s insurance until they turn 826.
“the man who would be king” had
In other government news … The
Federal Communications Commission another “meltdown” of sorts when
he learned that his mother, Queen
has issued a new regulation limit-
Elizabeth, was still alive and well and
ing news shows to a maximum of 30

on the throne; which is a Guinness
World Record in two categories.
In consumer news … There were
celebrations across the country today
as people who have lost one shoe on a
highway over the past 50 years learned
they will be reunited with their miss-
ing shoe. Kudos to the world’s shoe
manufacturers who began implanting
identification chips in their footwear
over a half century ago, but only
today activated the technology. Gym
shoe, work boot and flip-flop wearers
from coast to coast have been seen
hopping up and down on one foot in
celebration. Though the big news was
little consolation for those millions of
Americans who are still missing one
sock.
Finally, in the biggest space news
since the moon landing, NASA has
confirmed the arrival of our first visi-
tors from outer space. The flying sau-
cer, which landed in Roswell, N.M., was
greeted by thousands of nerdy UFO
researchers screaming “I told you so!”
The interplanetary guests announced
their primary mission was to bring
Donald Trump back to his home
planet. (Hey, don’t forget I did a Hillary
joke earlier.)
That’s Tomorrow’s News Today. And
remember, you can’t spell “Alien” with-
out “Al.” •

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting tal-
ent, speaker, emcee and a regular guest host
on the Mitch Albom Show on WJR AM 760.
Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com and
“Like” Al on Facebook.

Amidst the sight of the filled-to-the-
rim Elijah’s cup, a Passover Seder tra-
dition, the sweet sound of the young-
est child asking the Four Questions,
and the singing of the beautiful and
spirited hymns of the Hagaddah,
another seder must be remembered, a
seder that never had a chance.
It was on seder night of 1943 that
the Warsaw Ghetto uprising began,
to become known as the ultimate in
human struggle for freedom and dig-
nity. But, unlike the Hebrews, the for-
mer slaves under the great leadership
of Moses, the heroic fighters of the
Warsaw Ghetto Uprising could not
hope for freedom, not even for mere
survival. For them, the redemption of
Jewish honor, so outrageously tram-

Years ago, Bashy Cagan moved
to Michigan as a recently-married
woman. An old Hebrew Free Loan
program, Neighborhood Project,
helped her and her husband, who
were expecting their first child,
purchase a home in Southfield.
Fast forward several years and
five children later, and Bashy returned
to HFL for help with attorney fees
when going through a divorce. The
loan was made through HFL’s
Building My Tomorrow fund, which
lends to women on their own, and
was established with grants from
the Jewish Women’s Foundation.
“I’m now a single mom with five
kids, and it’s fine,” Bashy said. “When
you go through a life-changing event
like a divorce, you have to find a way
forward on your own. I’m lucky that
my Ex and I remain friendly, and we
are partners in raising our kids, which
gives them stability. But at that time, I
needed some stability as well. I had to
re-learn how to rely on myself.
“The people at HFL were so nice,
so compassionate and caring, they
did everything in their power to set me
at ease, and what they gave me was
the knowledge that I could stand on
my own two feet and do this.
Because it was an interest-free
community loan, not a bank, I knew I
could repay it in a reasonable way,
and it was quite empowering. This
group of empathetic people helped
me take back my independence, and
things started falling into place.
Everyone is happy and healthy, and
Hebrew Free Loan helped make that
happen.”

Become an HFL Donor.
Click. Call. Give Now.
www.hfldetroit.org
248.723.8184

letters

Coming Out Of Egypt

My Story

pled by the Nazis, was good enough
reason to fight to the bitter end, as
they surely did.
Among the readings we do during
the seder, the festive celebratory meal
during the first two nights of the eight
days of the Passover celebration, there
is a powerful statement we all say in
unison: In every generation, a person
should regard himself as if he person-
ally came out of Egypt.
I regard this declaration as the
most important among the various
Hagaddah readings. It tells us that we
do not only celebrate the exodus from
slavery to freedom of our ancestors,
the Hebrew slaves. It tells us that we
should celebrate the redemption from
all the other Egypts each one of us
has suffered.

Indeed, the festival of Passover is
not only the Jews the world over cel-
ebrating the exodus from Egypt so
many years ago. It is a celebration for
all us, no matter what our religion or
ethnicity. We all have our own Egypts,
now more than ever, to celebrate our
exodus from.

Rachel Kapen
West Bloomfield

Health. A fresh start.
A good education.
The next great business idea.

Hebrew Free Loan gives interest-
free loans to members of our
community for a variety of
personal and small business
needs. HFL loans are funded
entirely through community
donations which continually
recycle to others, generating
many times the original value
to help maintain the lives of
local Jews.

Kudos On Friedman
Appointment

With the approval by the Senate
of David Freidman as ambassador
to Israel, the moral stature of Sen.
Robert Menendez became clear once
more. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a
staunch Zionist, said “The ultimate

6735 Telegraph Road, Suite 300 • Bloomfield Hills, MI 48301

Hebrew Free Loan Detroit

@HFLDetroit

continued on page 8

jn

April 6 • 2017

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