jews d
in
the
on the cover
continued from page 10
trust and not knowing whom to believe.”
Six years after his divorce, Robert A. (an
alias) has a strong relationship with his
now 10-year-old son, but it was a long, dif-
ficult struggle that included being arrest-
ed when his ex-wife falsely accused him
of domestic violence. The charges were
eventually dropped, yet, in the meantime,
his former wife moved their son back
to their hometown. By the time Robert
could join them, his son had endured six
months of “brainwashing” by his ex-wife
and was reluctant to see him.
“I have been told by professionals,
‘off the record, your ex is crazy,’ but that
doesn’t mean anything to me,” Robert
said. “I asked them to go on the record,
but they won’t. The stronger party is the
weaker one in court, and the stronger
party is the one who makes more money.
I pay 90 to 95 percent of my son’s expens-
es, and I get 30 percent of his time after
six years of struggle. There’s something
wrong here. The system doesn’t make
any sense to me.”
Local marriage and family thera-
pist Dr. Dahlia Berkovitz says parents
who engage in alienating behavior often
have attachment issues
that are triggered by the
divorce. The alienating
parent most likely also
has a personality dis-
order such as narcis-
sism and/or borderline
personality disorder.
“The alienating parent
Dr. Dahlia
connects in an inap-
Berkovitz
propriate way, talking to
the children about things that are none of
their business,” Berkovitz said. “Children
don’t have the same capacity to process
things as adults do.”
The scientific name for this behavior
pattern is attachment-based parental
alienation, a term used by Dr. Craig
Childress, a California-based psychologist
and leading expert in the treatment of
children who are victims of this dynamic.
Childress calls it “a form of pathogenic
parenting, which is a clinical term for
parenting behavior so
aberrant and distorted
that it creates psychopa-
thology in a child.”
According to
Childress, parental
alienation indicates a
role reversal of a normal,
healthy parent-child
Dr. Craig Childress relationship. Instead of
serving as a “regulatory
other,” which involves
providing stability and meeting the child’s
emotional and psychological needs,
the alienating parent (pathogen) uses
12
March 16 • 2017
jn
“When children are used as pawns by their
parents, it is a losing battle for all, with the
kids suffering the most significant losses.”
ney Sheila Siegel encourages parents to
the child (or children) to meet their own
put aside their own needs and focus on
needs, violating boundaries and damag-
what is best for the children.
ing the child’s development to a signifi-
“You couldn’t save your marriage, but
cant degree.
you want to try and save your divorce,”
“It needs to be fixed; too many children
she said. She encourages parents to
are suffering,” Berkovitz said.
work together, even if the terms are not
Childress and other experts who
exactly to their liking. “Adults are resil-
advocate for improved diagnosis and
ient, but children aren’t, especially in
treatment of these children are optimis-
their formative years. They internalize
tic about a new bill before the Florida
things; they’re harmed by bad-mouthing
legislature this month that amends the
the other parent.”
mandatory reporting requirements for
Berkovitz warns that equitable divorce
child abuse to include “child psychological
judgments and long-term planning are
abuse,” including parental alienation.
not effective when
The bill also
dealing with truly
requires licensed
pathogenic parenting.
psychologists to
Resources
In those instances,
partake in continu-
• Dads and Moms of Michigan
the parent will find
ing education in the
www.dadsandmomsofmichigan.org
reasons to create and
area of psychological
• Alienated Grandparents
perpetuate conflict
child abuse “includ-
Anonymous (AGA) Michigan Chapter
with the ex-spouse.
ing, but not limited
meets 7 p.m. the third Thursday
“The alienating
to, abuse through the
of every month, Farmington Hills
parent is believed
use of manipulation or
Community Library.
to have narcissistic/
parental alienation.”
GA.SEMich@gmail.com
borderline personal-
ity disorder, which
RIPPLE EFFECT
complicates the situa-
Grandparents also are
tion in terms of how they view the world,
affected by parental alienation. Sydney
and many times they truly believe their
(an alias) has not seen his grandchildren
children do not need the other parent in
in at least five years. He and his wife were
their lives,” she said.
excluded from their bar and bat mitzvah
“They [the alienating parent] believe
celebrations, and their former daughter-
they are doing the right thing, so money is
in-law threw away the birthday cards and
not the primary issue that, once resolved,
gifts they faithfully sent each year. Their
will resolve the larger problem.”
estrangement is part of a larger schism
that began when his son filed for divorce.
“She ripped the kids from him and from EDUCATION AND ADVOCACY
us,” Sydney said. “She doesn’t realize the
“Children do not ask to be born, and they
kids are being punished.”
do not ask their parents to divorce. People
Since the divorce, Sydney says, she has
going through a divorce are at their worst,
done all she could to turn the children
not because they are bad people, but
against their father and grandparents.
because it’s such a difficult process,” said
“He does all he can to see them, and it’s
Berkovitz, adding that divorce can be
not easy,” Sydney said. “He’s their father;
more complicated than losing a spouse
he wants a connection. It’s really tragic.”
through death. Parents may be caught up
in their own issues, causing them to be
PREVENTIVE PLANNING
emotionally unavailable for their kids.
Victor believes much post-divorce litiga-
Though parental alienation is a clear
tion can be avoided by a detailed and spe- instance of emotional abuse, she says, the
cific divorce judgment that provides for
court system is usually reluctant to get
situations and expenses that fall outside
involved. Even when a family seeks profes-
the range of child support.
sional help, many psychologists do not
“The best way to avoid future problems
understand this dynamic.
is to have clear, concise, unambiguous
“It’s not a custody issue but a child
language everyone understands, which
abuse issue,” she says, explaining that the
protects both parents and the children.”
process can be subtle and gradual, mak-
Bloomfield Hills-based family law attor- ing it harder to detect and treat. “We need
to educate professionals and advocate
within the legal system. Parents need to
realize they could lose their children if
they engage in parental alienation.”
She believes the way to address paren-
tal alienation is through the children
because the alienating parent is usually
incapable of being reasonable.
“You need to have everyone on board —
the court, attorneys, therapists and Child
Protective Services — to understand the
dynamics and address it through the kids,”
Berkovitz said. “The kids need help recog-
nizing they need to be true to themselves
in terms of loving their other parent. They
should not have to choose, and they need
to understand that.”
Dads and Moms of Michigan is a local
organization that provides education,
support and advocacy for parents expe-
riencing parental alienation. In addition
to ongoing support groups, webinars
and a resource library, the organiza-
tion sponsors in-house and off-site
supervised parenting time programs
so parents and children can enjoy time
together while complying with court-
ordered requirements.
President/Executive Director John
Langlois, who has been a co-parent in
an amicable divorce and also the victim
of alienation attempts by his ex-wife,
believes ex-spouses can work together if
both parties are willing.
Ryan Thomas, who experienced paren-
tal alienation as a child, describes the
dynamic as “abuse with a smile and a
hug.” Today, Thomas, who has reunited
with his father as an adult, is a nationally
recognized author and speaker devoted to
sharing his story to prevent others from
going through the same suffering
(ryanthomasspeaks.com).
He describes how the brainwashing
affected him into adulthood, saying he
was “programmed” to believe bad things
would happen when his father showed up
in his life.
He calls it a “no-win situation” where
the “constant barrage of insults” his
mother and her extended family hurled
against his father caused him years of
anguish and stress.
A mother whose ex-husband attempted
to poison her son and daughter against
her experienced that anguish from
another side.
Yet she continued to show up at school
events and dance recitals, even when her
children ignored her presence.
“I wanted them to know I wasn’t going
to give up … that I love them and that will
never change,” she said. While her persis-
tence resulted in healing some of the rifts,
things are still not ideal, especially with
her daughter. “I feel bad for all of us.” •