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20 November 17 • 2016

2134260

end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
for an anonymous
question submis-
sion form on Debra’s
online column at
www.thejewishnews.
com.

DEAR DEBRA,
A friend and I get together once a month
or so for dinner. I look forward to catch-
ing up as we don’t email or talk on the
phone in between. For the second time
now, she has invited along a friend of hers
whom I know through her but have never
socialized with otherwise. The first time
this happened, my friend said something
along the lines that she’d bumped into her
friend on her way to meet me and invited
her along. I was annoyed but kept quiet.
When I got to the restaurant last
month, there was her friend again. I am
ticked off that my friend cares so little for
me and our friendship. My friend’s friend
is a lovely person, but when it’s just my
friend and me, there is a deeper connec-
tion and our conversations go in different
directions. I don’t know what to do to
keep her from inviting this friend along on
a future visit.

—Dinner for Two

DEAR DINNER,
I understand your dismay at having a
third person invited along without being
consulted.
Where you lose me is your zero-
to-90 assumption that your good
friend “cares so little for [you] and
[your] friendship” that she is inviting
this friend along.
Until you ask, you have no idea why
your friend has turned dinner for two
into dinner for three. And until you
speak up, your friend has no idea that
you are even peeved, much less tarring
her with catastrophic thoughts of rejec-
tion. (I’d keep those thoughts to yourself,
by the way.)
If you haven’t set up your next date
yet, do so and use the opportunity to
say something along the lines of while
you find Extra Friend perfectly lovely,
you so much prefer having dinner with
your friend alone. Express your dismay
at not being asked when plans change.
Then give your friend space to respond.
Maybe Extra Friend is going through
a rough time. Maybe Extra Friend has
somehow insinuated herself into your
duo and your friend needs a bit of spine
strengthening herself. Another option is
to get to know Extra Friend better. You

might come to like her as much as your
friend does. Until you have the conversa-
tion, all you have is resentment toward a
good friend whose company you enjoy.
Not good for the digestion — or the
friendship.

DEAR DEBRA,
We will be traveling soon to New Jersey
for a family bar mitzvah on my hus-
band’s side.
The only family I have left in the area
is a dear cousin and my brother, from
whom I have been estranged for years.
I haven’t yet let my cousin know
because I don’t want my brother to catch
wind that I will be in town because I do
not plan on contacting him. I would love
to visit with my cousin, who knows about
the (non) relationship my brother and
I have. Should I not tell my cousin I am
coming and miss visiting with her so as
not to irritate my brother?

— Zelda

DEAR ZELDA,
To mangle Sir Walter Scott,* Oh, what a
tangled web we weave when we obfuscate
what we perceive.
If you and your brother are estranged,
how would he catch wind you are in
town? And if your cousin knows about
the estrangement, and you have a good
and loving relationship with her, why do
you imagine she would muddy family
waters by telling your brother that you
are visiting? Third, since you and your
brother are not speaking anyway, why
would he be “irritated” if he found out
you came to town and didn’t let him
know? See what I mean?
You are spinning this thread of “what
ifs?” into crazy-making territory —
unless this estrangement is driven by
you, and your brother is in the dark and
hurting as to why you are no longer on
speaking terms. But that’s another whole
column and nothing you intimated in
your letter.
Simply call your cousin. Tell her
you are going to be in town for a fam-
ily simchah and you’d love to catch up.
Assuming you are going to be busy with
the various bar mitzvah events, it is
entirely acceptable to invite her to your
hotel for an hour’s visit or whatever time
you feel is appropriate. Then cozy up
with cousin and enjoy the family time.
It’s that simple.

*

* Like many others, it seems, I thought
the Bard had penned this quote. Google
informed me otherwise.

Check out Dear Debra’s latest venture at
pictureaconversation.com.

