family focus » dear debra
Conversation Spoiler
S
Debra
Darvick
DEAR DEBRA,
I have a cousin here in town with
whom I’ve always been close. We talk
every week or so and see one another
not infrequently. She has a habit that is
all of a sudden bothering me more and
more.
Whenever we talk, she interrupts me
in the middle of what I am sharing.
And it’s not just interrupting, but she
sidetracks my train of thought by asking
questions that take the conversation in
a totally different direction. I imagine
this is her way of expressing interest,
but it drives me up a wall.
I used to do something similar in
conversations and have worked hard to
break what I now realize is an annoy-
ing and unintentionally rude habit. I
find that I don’t call her as often, but
that doesn’t seem fair. I do miss being
with her. Is it wrong to expect her to
break this habit just because I did?
Two Concerts
Berlin Philharmonic
Simon Rattle, conductor
Saturday, November 12 // 8 pm
Sunday, November 13 // 4 pm
Hill Auditorium
Philharmonic and music director Simon Rattle embark on their last
US tour together, bringing two concerts to Ann Arbor. “Watching
these players sweat their way through these symphonies, using
every muscle to make them dramas of sight as well as sound...their
commitment was palpable, their energy persuasive, their ability to
communicate with one another superior.” (New York Times)
A Prelude Dinner, sponsored by Journeys International, precedes
the Saturday evening performance. Reservations: 734.764.8489
— Sidetracked
DEAR SIDETRACKED,
Conversation spoilers — interrupters,
echoers, sidetracks, eye-wanderers
— can indeed make a speaker feel
unheard. Having reformed the inter-
rupting habit, you could be hyper-
aware and thus less tolerant. So extra
points to you for realizing this and
wanting to stay close to your cousin.
I agree, avoiding her is not the
answer. Start gently. The next time
she begins with the hijacking ques-
tions, say something along the lines of,
“Great question, Cousin, but that’s not
where the story is going. Hang on and
I’ll get there!” Keep your tone light and
loving and pick up where you left off.
If — OK, when — she does it again,
repeat the above or take it to the next
level of assertion, such as, “Cousin,
I know you want to know what hap-
pened to me, but when you interrupt
me and ask questions, I lose my train
of thought.” Again keep your tone light
and loving.
Be sure Cousin gets plenty of talking
time as well and be sure you actively
listen. Hopefully she won’t get huffy
and insulted by your gentle correct-
PROGRAM (SAT 11/12)
Boulez
Mahler
Éclat
Symphony No. 7 in e minor
PROGRAM (SUN 11/13)
Schoenberg
Webern
Berg
Brahms
Five Pieces for Orchestra, o p. 16
Six Pieces for Orchestra, o p. 6
Three Pieces for Orchestra, o p. 6
Symphony No. 2 in D Major, o p. 73
Details on related free educational and residency activities
can be found at ums.org/berlin.
PRES ENTI NG SPO NSO R
FUNDED IN PART BY
MEDI A PA R T NER S
Eugene and Emily Grant
Family Foundation
The Andrew W. Mellon
Foundation and the
Michigan Council for Arts
and Cultural Affairs
WGTE 91.3 FM
WRCJ 90.9 FM
SUPPORTING SPONSOR
ums.org
734.764.2538
2115550
24 October 20 • 2016
end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
for an anonymous
question submis-
sion form on Debra’s
online column at
www.thejewishnews.
com.
ing. If she does, you just might have to
put up with this tick of hers. But take
heart, with you having planted the
seed, she may grow more self-aware,
as you did, and begin to interrupt less.
DEAR DEBRA,
Another High Holiday has come and
gone and with it a lot of entertaining;
I am ready to call it quits. We had 30
people for dinner over the holidays.
No one offered to bring serving dishes
to the table or to the kitchen after our
meal; no one offered to help me clear.
I’m not expecting my guests to wash
dishes, but a few offers of help would
have been great. I know some families
hire someone to serve and clean, but
that’s just not our style or budget. What
can I do to be sure this doesn’t happen
again?
— Big Tzimmes
DEAR TZIMMES,
While it’s always lovely to have our
guests pitch in, guests are, by defini-
tion, people you invite over to visit
and/or dine with you and receive your
hospitality. Some people like their
guests to help; others don’t want any-
one in their kitchens. Since you seem
to be in the first camp, at least when
it comes to big dinners, have a game
plan ready.
When your guests accept your
invitation and ask if they can bring
anything, let them know that instead
of bringing food or wine, you’d really
appreciate their help serving the chick-
en soup or kugel. Assign another guest
or two to help you clear. It sounds like
you had no family around the table
because they would be the natural
ones to help clear, scrape dishes, ready
dessert for serving, etc. Enlist your
husband as well and have him tell
some of his buddies to lend a hand
where you might need it.
People aren’t mind readers, so if you
want a bit of pitching in, you’re going
to have to pitch it to your guests to
lend a hand.
Other ideas — you can change
things around and make it casual and
use paper plates for some or all of the
meal. And don’t write off hiring help.
You don’t have to get all fancy and
expensive. Maybe there’s a neighbor
high school student who would love
making a few extra dollars to help you
clean up after your guests have gone
home, well fed and appreciative.
*
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