spirituality » 5 Steps To A Perfect Apology Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin | Special to the Jewish News A s we prepare for Yom Kippur, one way to heal the rifts we have with others is to apologize for any hurt we may have caused. This is an essential skill in any relationship, yet our apologies are often ineffective. An apology is more than just saying sorry. For your apology to make a mark and begin the healing process, you’ll need the following five ingredients. 1. Sincerity – Have you ever received a call before Yom Kippur asking for forgive- ness? While the Rambam writes (Mishneh Torah-Hilchos T’shuva 2:10) that it is forbid- den to be cruel and refuse to forgive one who asks for it, an essential component of the apology is to actually detail what one did wrong. Offering an apology needs to be sincere and for the benefit of the one who was wronged. If you care more about being for- given than the pain you caused, your apol- ogy is probably not that sincere and will not help in mending your relationship. Put aside your anxiety about merely discharging your obligation and get in touch with the spirit of the law and what an apology is supposed to be about it. 2. Validation – An apology is an oppor- tunity to validate what the other is feeling. Validation does not mean you have to agree. What it does mean is that you put yourself in to the others’ shoes and really “get” where they are coming from. If someone is sharing with you his pain, let him know his feelings are valid. Don’t just tell him “I hear” or “I feel your pain.” Those statements may feel apathetic or patronizing. Let the person know you “get it.” 3. Don’t give excuses – If you made a mistake and want to make amends, giving excuses only serves to justify your wrong- doing. When you make excuses for your behavior, it cheapens the apology. Again, an apology should be “other-focused.” When you insert your own story, you shift the focus from the other to yourself. It no lon- ger becomes a moment of connection and repair; rather, it serves as an opportunity for you to lessen your own guilt or defend your- self. Take ownership and admit what you did. Regret it and resolve not to do it again. 4. Show contrition – If you really hurt someone, it’s not enough to just say you are sorry once and move on, especially where the offense has destroyed the trust in the relationship, such as in the case of infidelity. The person who had the affair must repeat- edly ask for forgiveness and reassure their spouse. While it does not necessarily mean groveling, if you want to repair the relation- ship, you need to let her or him know you really regret what you did. To apologize and expect life to return to normal because you said sorry is unrealistic. 5. Take action – Talk is cheap. If you keep making the same mistake and hurting someone, there is only so far that words will go to repair the relationship. In order to truly restore the relationship, you need to take action. By changing your behavior, you are sending a message that you are serious about turning a new page in your relationship. Taking action demonstrates your sincerity and gives the one you hurt a reason to trust you again and have hope for the relationship. While an apology may seem simple, the way in which it is executed makes all the difference in repairing and healing your relationship. When you come across as sin- cere, contrite and validating, not making any excuses for your behavior, your apology will be received as heartfelt. If you follow it with action, you’ll restore your relationship to its former state. * This piece was originally published on the website of the Orthodox Union, www.ou.org. On The Road Thread group travels to Cincinnati for fun and Jewish learning. Stacy Gittleman | Contributing Writer M embers of the newly-formed Jewish women’s educational group Thread spent the weekend with the Jewish community of Cincinnati Sept. 17-18, creating connec- tions with women from both there and Detroit as they explored the city with the deepest and oldest roots of liberal Jewish America. The weekend included a creative Shabbat service where the women each read passages about notable Jewish women in modern and biblical history, a medita- tive Pilates class on Shabbat morning, and tours of Hebrew Union college and the historic Plum Street Temple. “We had an overwhelming response to this, and this clearly shows there is a need for such an organization in Detroit to inspire Jewish women to learn and grow together,” said Thread organizer Sherrie Oppenheim Singer. “Another great part of the weekend was learning from other Jewish women in Cincinnati.” Singer said it was interesting to see how the pendulum of liberal Judaism experience has swung from the days when Thread Founders Sherrie Oppenheimer Reform Jews from Germany came to settle Singer, Amy Koeningsberg Shefman in Cincinnati a little over a century ago and Jennifer Haber Fishkind, all of West to a more conventional style of Reform Bloomfield 36 October 6 • 2016 The Thread group in Cincinnati Judaism today. Wishing to quickly assimi- late, German Jews of the Reform move- ment built large temples such as the Plum Street building with ornate interior and exterior architecture to resemble a church. They also founded the Hebrew Union College. The participants also had the oppor- tunity to explore downtown sites such as Washington Park and the Underground Railroad Freedom Center. Francine Newman of Huntington Woods said the trip gave women such as she the opportunity “to meet other Jewish women outside of our own smaller circles. “We all talked, shared stories and cre- ated real intimacy,” Newman said. “It was inspiring to see a real piece of our American Jewish heritage and feel proud that it continues today through the Hebrew Union College.” * Thread is partly sponsored by Temple Israel under the leadership of Rabbi Jen Lader. There is no membership fee, and it is open to all Jewish women regardless of affiliation. Visit www.threadcommunity.org.