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5 Steps To A
Perfect Apology
Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin | Special to the Jewish News
A
s we prepare for Yom Kippur,
one way to heal the rifts we have
with others is to apologize for
any hurt we may have caused. This is an
essential skill in any relationship, yet our
apologies are often ineffective.
An apology is more than just saying sorry.
For your apology to make a mark and begin
the healing process, you’ll need the following
five ingredients.
1. Sincerity – Have you ever received a
call before Yom Kippur asking for forgive-
ness? While the Rambam writes (Mishneh
Torah-Hilchos T’shuva 2:10) that it is forbid-
den to be cruel and refuse to forgive one
who asks for it, an essential component of
the apology is to actually detail what one did
wrong.
Offering an apology needs to be sincere
and for the benefit of the one who was
wronged. If you care more about being for-
given than the pain you caused, your apol-
ogy is probably not that sincere and will not
help in mending your relationship. Put aside
your anxiety about merely discharging your
obligation and get in touch with the spirit of
the law and what an apology is supposed to
be about it.
2. Validation – An apology is an oppor-
tunity to validate what the other is feeling.
Validation does not mean you have to agree.
What it does mean is that you put yourself
in to the others’ shoes and really “get” where
they are coming from. If someone is sharing
with you his pain, let him know his feelings
are valid. Don’t just tell him “I hear” or “I
feel your pain.” Those statements may feel
apathetic or patronizing. Let the person
know you “get it.”
3. Don’t give excuses – If you made a
mistake and want to make amends, giving
excuses only serves to justify your wrong-
doing. When you make excuses for your
behavior, it cheapens the apology. Again, an
apology should be “other-focused.” When
you insert your own story, you shift the
focus from the other to yourself. It no lon-
ger becomes a moment of connection and
repair; rather, it serves as an opportunity for
you to lessen your own guilt or defend your-
self. Take ownership and admit what you
did. Regret it and resolve not to do it again.
4. Show contrition – If you really hurt
someone, it’s not enough to just say you are
sorry once and move on, especially where
the offense has destroyed the trust in the
relationship, such as in the case of infidelity.
The person who had the affair must repeat-
edly ask for forgiveness and reassure their
spouse. While it does not necessarily mean
groveling, if you want to repair the relation-
ship, you need to let her or him know you
really regret what you did. To apologize and
expect life to return to normal because you
said sorry is unrealistic.
5. Take action – Talk is cheap. If you
keep making the same mistake and hurting
someone, there is only so far that words will
go to repair the relationship. In order to truly
restore the relationship, you need to take
action. By changing your behavior, you are
sending a message that you are serious about
turning a new page in your relationship.
Taking action demonstrates your sincerity
and gives the one you hurt a reason to trust
you again and have hope for the relationship.
While an apology may seem simple, the
way in which it is executed makes all the
difference in repairing and healing your
relationship. When you come across as sin-
cere, contrite and validating, not making any
excuses for your behavior, your apology will
be received as heartfelt. If you follow it with
action, you’ll restore your relationship to its
former state.
*
This piece was originally published on the website of
the Orthodox Union, www.ou.org.
On The Road
Thread group travels to Cincinnati
for fun and Jewish learning.
Stacy Gittleman | Contributing Writer
M
embers of the newly-formed
Jewish women’s educational
group Thread spent the
weekend with the Jewish community of
Cincinnati Sept. 17-18, creating connec-
tions with women from both there and
Detroit as they explored the city with the
deepest and oldest roots of liberal Jewish
America.
The weekend included a creative
Shabbat service where the women each
read passages about notable Jewish women
in modern and biblical history, a medita-
tive Pilates class on Shabbat morning, and
tours of Hebrew Union college and the
historic Plum Street Temple.
“We had an overwhelming response
to this, and this clearly shows there is a
need for such an organization in Detroit to
inspire Jewish women to learn and grow
together,” said Thread organizer Sherrie
Oppenheim Singer. “Another great part
of the weekend was learning from other
Jewish women in Cincinnati.”
Singer said it was interesting to see
how the pendulum of liberal Judaism
experience has swung from the days when
Thread Founders Sherrie Oppenheimer Reform Jews from Germany came to settle
Singer, Amy Koeningsberg Shefman
in Cincinnati a little over a century ago
and Jennifer Haber Fishkind, all of West to a more conventional style of Reform
Bloomfield
36 October 6 • 2016
The Thread group in Cincinnati
Judaism today. Wishing to quickly assimi-
late, German Jews of the Reform move-
ment built large temples such as the Plum
Street building with ornate interior and
exterior architecture to resemble a church.
They also founded the Hebrew Union
College.
The participants also had the oppor-
tunity to explore downtown sites such as
Washington Park and the Underground
Railroad Freedom Center.
Francine Newman of Huntington Woods
said the trip gave women such as she the
opportunity “to meet other Jewish women
outside of our own smaller circles.
“We all talked, shared stories and cre-
ated real intimacy,” Newman said. “It
was inspiring to see a real piece of our
American Jewish heritage and feel proud
that it continues today through the
Hebrew Union College.”
*
Thread is partly sponsored by Temple Israel under the
leadership of Rabbi Jen Lader. There is no membership
fee, and it is open to all Jewish women regardless of
affiliation. Visit www.threadcommunity.org.