family focus » dear debra

ANNOUNCING .....
OUR 24TH ANNIVERSARY
& 9TH ANNUAL CUSTOMER
APPRECIATION PARTY!

Family Flaws

S

Debra
Darvick

end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
for an anonymous
question submission
form on Debra’s online
column at www.
thejewishnews.com.

DEAR DEBRA,
When I was in middle school, my father
walked out on our family. My mother was
having severe (life-threatening) health
issues at the time. His financial support
was minimal, we saw him infrequently
and learned only recently that he remar-
ried.
I will be getting married soon and my
mother (who has now recovered) and my
brother say I will regret not inviting him
to the wedding as a guest. My mother will
walk me down the aisle. I cannot imagine
having him there and feel that if I were to
see him, it would just stir up too much on
a day that will otherwise be joyous.
I called my father to invite him to
lunch and talk. He brought his new wife,
which made any meaningful conversation
impossible. I would like to forgive him and
have him in my life in some way. But he
does not want to face or even discuss what
he did to our family or how he has been an
intermittent presence since then. I really
do not think I’ll regret not having him at
my wedding, but should I do it because my
mother and brother say I will?

— Deciding

DEAR DECIDING,
In my book, if you are old enough to get
married, you are old enough to make
the decision to exclude from the guest
list such a parent. And you are also old
enough to live with your decision and
any regrets it may cause in the future.
You know best your heart and how great
the hurt residing within. If seeing your
father on your wedding day will open up
areas best left closed on such a joyous
day, then, by all means, your wishes must
prevail.
You didn’t mention any therapy you
have received or are getting now to pro-
cess these primal hurts, and that’s where I
want to go with the rest of my response.
Forgiving someone doesn’t in any way
mean you are saying what s/he did was
OK. Forgiving someone means that you
have arrived at a place where their hei-
nous deeds no longer have the power to
wound you. Forgiveness is saying, “What
you did was reprehensible. It hurt me to
the core and changed me forever, and I
am no longer allowing your actions to
interfere with my ability to lead a joyous

and complete life.”
You do not need the wrongdoer any-
where near you to create this forgiveness,
just a safe space be it a therapist’s office,
with trusted clergy or another spiritual/
emotional guide.
As you embark on your new life, I
would urge you to find a way to process
your hurts so you can embrace all the
joys you deserve, shadow-free of your
father’s shoddy behavior.

DEAR DEBRA,
We recently moved back to the city my
husband and I grew up in and have looked
forward to reconnecting with family
members. There are several cousins who
we’ve re-established connections with. One
cousin has ignored all our attempts. New
Year’s cards go unreciprocated. Invitations
are ignored. My husband and this cousin
were close growing up, and he and his wife
visited us in Detroit when their kids were
young.
Last week, my husband bumped into his
cousin who was visiting someone who lives
in our sub. He said hello and reminded
him that we’d love to see them. His cousin
mumbled something about yes that would
be great. I can’t imagine what we might
have done to them and am tired of reach-
ing out and being ignored.

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— Overtures Going Nowhere

DEAR OVERTURES,
Judaism values hachnasat orchim — wel-
coming the stranger. While your cousins
are not strangers in the literal sense, you
have followed tradition’s urging to wel-
come people into your home. For what-
ever reason, your husband’s cousin is not
interested.
Puzzling and hurtful though this is,
you have to accept their disinterest and
try not to take it personally. I know, how
can you not take it personally when they
are ignoring you and your heartfelt invi-
tations?
For all you know, they may be experi-
encing health or other family crises they
may not want to share or that claim all
their attention and energies. Perhaps the
person living in your sub is offering the
support they need at this time. You can’t
know.
If it’s meaningful to you to send Rosh
Hashanah greetings, do so. Just don’t
expect any response. Not all friendships
and family relationships stand the test of
time. Sadly for you and your husband,
this may be one of those occasions. Focus
on the friends and family who do grace
your lives and go from there.

OUTDOOR EDUCATION

JEWISH PROGRAMMING

FAMILY CAMPS

Tamarack Camps’ Board of Directors invites you to the

2016 ANNUAL MEETING

Sunday, August 7, 2016
10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m.

Camp Maas • 4361 Perryville Road • Ortonville, Michigan

I N S TA L L AT I O N O F T H E N E W B OA R D

HONORING ROBB LIPPITT

President’s Award Recipient

RECOGNIZING HERSHEL SANDBERG

for his commitment to the Tamarack Hills Legacy Circle

A casual attire brunch will be provided (dietary laws observed).
For additional information: (248) 647-1100 — tamarackcamps.com

Please understand we are unable to accommodate camper visits.

TEEN PROGRAMS

CAMP MAAS

BUTZEL RETREAT CENTER

*

Check out Dear Debra’s latest venture at
pictureaconversation.com.

2109550

July 21 • 2016

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