family focus » dear debra
On Marriage &
Mothers-in-Law
S
Debra
Darvick
DEAR DEBRA,
My future mother-in-law has never been
particularly welcoming. I’ve tried every
way I know to connect with her. Nothing
works. I invited her along when my
mother and I go mother-of-the-bride dress
shopping. That’s when she said her own
wedding dress still fit and that’s what she’ll
be wearing. Yes, her own wedding dress!
I am beside myself. I don’t know if this
is an empty threat or if she’d really do it.
I asked my fiance to tell his mother how
inappropriate this is, but he shrugs and
says that’s just his mom. My mother says
it’s not too late to call off the wedding,
that this woman is going to make my life
hell and my marriage one long struggle.
I love my fiance and won’t even think
of breaking our engagement. But I have
begun having nightmares about what this
woman could do to our lives.
NEW
MERCHANDISE
ARRIVING
DAILY
STONE'S
— Stressed
DEAR STRESSED,
I had to read this several times before I
could actually process the reality of your
situation. Your future mother-in-law
seems vicious and/or cravenly jealous at
the very least and deeply disturbed at the
most. Let’s assume deeply disturbed.
While I understand that you don’t
want to break the engagement, your
mother’s concern for your future has
merit, especially if you will be living near
your in-laws. If you don’t address the
elephant in the room, she will trample
the loving marriage you intend. Make it
your goal to move forward with chesed,
kindness, while establishing boundaries
to protect your marriage.
I consulted Rabbi Steven Rubenstein
of Congregation Beth Ahm in West
Bloomfield. Judaism teaches us to honor
our parents and places a high bar on
our obligations to our parents even if
they are nitrafa da’ato, literally, “torn in
the mind.” Your fiance doesn’t see his
mother’s behaviors for what they are
because he has normalized them instead
of seeking professional help. Your pres-
ence challenges the dynamic.
I urge you and your fiance to speak
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36 June 16 • 2016
end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
for an anonymous
question submission
form on Debra’s online
column at www.
thejewishnews.com.
with a professional who will help him
see his mother’s behaviors more clearly.
You both need guidance and support
in learning how to set boundaries as a
married couple while maintaining love
and compassion for a troubled woman.
Rambam forbid parents from creating
situations for their children where hon-
oring them becomes an onerous burden.
While wearing one’s own wedding dress
to a son’s wedding comes pretty darn
close to being an onerous burden, there
is still room for honor.
Discuss the bedeken with your rabbi.
This veiling ceremony echoes the
moment in the Torah when Rebecca
veils herself upon first seeing Isaac.
Tradition interprets Rebecca’s action as
setting herself aside for Isaac. A contem-
porary interpretation might view the
veiling as creating a boundary for herself
as an independent person. Hopefully,
your mother-in-law will relent. If not,
rise above her choice and model the
strength and growth you will continue to
develop throughout your marriage.
DEAR DEBRA,
A dear friend has remarried. It’s great to
see her happy and cared for by someone
she loves and who loves her, but I cannot
abide him. When we first met, I thought
he was just awkward or uncomfortable,
but he still sets my teeth on edge.
We still have our girl time, but I dread
it every time we are together as a four-
some. What can I do?
— New Hubby Horror
DEAR HORROR,
Here’s a short lesson in grammar psy-
chology. Whenever we join two clauses
with the conjunction “but” we negate the
value of the first clause (the one up there
with the words happy, cared for and love)
with some sort of self-righteous valida-
tion (in this case I cannot abide him.)
Might New Hubby be awkward
because of some vibe you are projecting?
Maybe he doesn’t want to spend time
with you, and doing so is yet another
way he demonstrates his love for his
wife, your friend.
It comes down to how much you value
the friendship. If you want to preserve
it, try really hard and find something
you can build on with New Hubby. You
might not want to; doing so anyway will
demonstrate your own love for your dear
friend.
*
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