family focus » dear debra
Say Cheese
S
Debra
Darvick
end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or look
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question submission
form on Debra’s online
column at www.
thejewishnews.com.
DEAR DEBRA,
My mother-in-law is not just camera
shy but camera phobic. She refused to
be in any but one photo for our wedding
album. Our son, age 4, has picked up on
Grandma’s behavior and now refuses to
be in any family photos. We gather often
and like to have memories of each fam-
ily event. I am really annoyed that my
mother-in-law is influencing our son in
such a way. I have engaged a professional
for a family portrait (my husband, kids
and me) and am afraid our son is going
to act up for that, too.
— Out of Patience
DEAR OUT,
Some people really don’t like the whole
camera thing, and with the ever pres-
ence of cell phones and folks snapping
every breathing moment, it can get quite
intrusive. You didn’t mention your hus-
band’s take on his mother’s stance, so I
assume it’s either not an issue for him or
he learned long ago to leave Mom alone
on this.
Because you gather so often, how
important is it that your son be in every
photo? When the next Kodak moment
comes around, instead of turning it
into a tug of war quietly ignore your
son. Take the picture with whomever is
around and get back to socializing.
Don’t make a big deal about the fam-
ily portrait in advance — no lectures
about your expectations, no bribes for
good behavior. The day of, get everyone
dressed and state simply, “Today we’re
having a family portrait.” Period. If your
son begins to resist, let the photographer
handle it. S/he will have a bag of tricks to
get the best shot of everyone. The more
you focus on the behavior you don’t
want, the more you are going to get that
very behavior. Not a pretty picture.
DEAR DEBRA,
I am recovering from a serious illness. It is
taking longer than I ever dreamed, but I
know I am getting stronger and challenge
myself to do a bit more each week.
The problem is my sister, who thinks
that I should be “farther along in my
recuperation.” Before I became ill, we had
21002300
30 May 19 • 2016
standing dates for long runs each week.
My sister is approaching my recovery as if
I’m in training, telling me to increase my
distances and introduce intervals of fast
walking and even jogging into my walk-
ing routine. I am simply grateful I can
walk around the block.
Although I miss our runs, I am still
adapting, emotionally and physically, to
the limitations my illness has placed on
my life for the time being. My whole world
has been turned upside down and all my
sister can think about is our next run.
How do I tell her that things have changed
and I am doing the best I can?
— Recovering at My Own Pace
DEAR RECOVERING,
Short answer: “Sister, things have
changed, and I am doing the best I can.”
But you wrote me for a longer answer,
so here goes. Doubtless, your illness has
set off all sorts of frightening thoughts
for your sister as I’m sure it has for you.
Instead of meeting you where you are,
your sister is doing the very understand-
able, but unhelpful, thing of denying
your new reality.
Continue to set your own goals for
your recovery. Invite your sister on one
of your walks and address the elephant
in the room — you have lived through
something scary; you miss what you both
shared; you are doing everything you
can to regain your strength. She can help
best by supporting you as you meet your
weekly walking goals and whatever other
challenges you have set for yourself.
Sometimes people hear things better
from the professionals. If it’s comfortable,
bring your sister to your next doctor’s
appointment. Have him/her explain the
trajectory of your recovery and how she
can help you get there.
Or perhaps involve your sister in your
recovery in other ways. Would she recite a
Mi Shebeirach (Judaism’s prayer for heal-
ing) for you? Or research new walking
trails for you two to enjoy together? Find
a new activity you do together that has
nothing to do with physical achievement.
Perhaps a drop-in book club at your local
library or a fun art class like Zentangle.
If she continues to act like your trainer
instead of your sister, you may have to
set stronger boundaries. Until she can
support you where you are, you may
have to limit, firmly and compassion-
ately, your time together. Now, more
than ever, is the time for you to put your
own needs first. I wish you a complete
recovery and healing.
*
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com.