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National Council of Jewish Women
Greater Detroit Section

For Openers

Digging Up Indiscretions

Making A
Difference

L

ast month I suspended
2016 run for the White House has
my Muskovitz for
been the proverbial “truth-is-funni-
President campaign, and
er-than-fiction/you-can’t-make-this-
I’d be less than honest if I said I
stuff-up” campaign filled with plenty
miss the rigors of the campaign
of Jewish fodder. For instance …
trail. By the way, being less than
Trump becoming a grandfather
honest has never come easy to
to an Orthodox Jewish grandson on
me, which ultimately led to my
Easter Sunday is, dare I say, heaven
downfall as a politician.
sent. Political beliefs aside, you have
Some have speculated that I
Alan Muskovitz to admit that somewhere in the deep
dropped out of the race because
recesses of Donald Trump’s mind he
my political rivals were about
believes he’s a more-qualified mes-
to unleash a barrage of my past
siah and builder than Jesus ever was.
indiscretions. It turns out the only “scandal”
And daughter Ivanka, a convert
uncovered was an incident that took place
to Orthodox Judaism, names her kid
in the early 1960s at Camp Tanuga, and it’s
Theodore, as in “Ted,” as in Ted Cruz,
about time I came clean on the whole sor-
as in her father’s No. 1 political nemesis.
did affair.
Somebody pinch me!
I was about 9 years old at the time. That
So The Donald is running against a man
summer, I was lucky enough to win the
he calls “Lyin’ Ted” as he becomes a zaydie
role of Prince Charming in the camp play.
to a “Cryin’ Ted.” Per Jewish tradition,
It required me to kiss Sleeping Beauty.
wouldn’t it be cute if, on his third birthday,
However, the female lead was adamantly
both Ivanka’s Orthodox baby and Donald
against it, threatening never to talk to me
got their very first haircuts?
ever again if I humiliated her in front of
But wait, there’s more!
a packed rec hall audience. Well, I did
Candidate Hillary Clinton’s daughter,
what any professional thespian would
Chelsea, already the proud mother of a
do — I gave her that peck on the cheek. I
daughter, is pregnant with her second child
mean, what was I supposed to do, wake up
with her … Jewish husband! No word on
Sleeping Beauty with a strong cup of cof-
the sex of the baby; but if it’s a boy and
fee?! Please, I’m an ac-tor.
there’s a bris, it wouldn’t surprise me in
Scandal aside, I now find myself in the
the least if Hillary sics the mohel on Bill.
role that most failed candidates find them-
Paybacks are, well, you know.
selves, that of being an expert political
Finally, a word on Bernie Sanders. So
analyst. I prefer being a political humorist,
the man who is vying to be the first Jewish
except the dilemma is the current candi-
president decides not to speak at the recent
dates are funnier than I could ever be. This
AIPAC conference? What?! Although, we

Cathy Cantor,
State Policy Advocacy Co-Chair

Alan Muskovitz, 9, stars as Prince
Charming in Sleeping Beauty at Camp
Tanuga.

can be a tough crowd. And I can’t help it,
but Bernie looks older than his 74 years;
old, like, if he becomes president on Day
One he’ll turn the thermostat at the White
House up to 85 degrees and give out hard
candies at the newly introduced Early
Bird State Dinners. And while I have no
proof, I believe Bernie seeks our nation’s
highest office mainly for the presidential
motorcades because he can’t drive at night
anymore.
More from your humble correspondent
in the days ahead.

*

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent,
speaker, emcee and a regular guest host on the Mitch
Albom Show on WJR AM 760. Visit his website at
laughwithbigal.com and “Like” Al on Facebook.

letters

No Place For Neutrality In Israel Negotiations

The Israeli-Palestinian issue is not com-
plex at all. It is actually very simple.
Quoting Golda Meir, “They say we must
be dead. And we say we want to be alive.”
See? Simple.
The fact that Bernie Sanders, the
Jewish candidate, “has shown the most
even-handed approach to the Israeli-
Palestinian conflict” should be frighten-
ing. (“Sanders Criticizes Israel,” JN, March
31, page 14). The only situation where
one is celebrated for being “even-handed”
between vicious aggressor and aggrieved
defender is when Israel is the defender.
This conflict is only complex to journal-
ists who insist on ignoring the Palestinians’
refusal to negotiate with Israel and the con-
stant incitement from both Hamas and the
P.A. demanding death to Israel and the Jews.

Osama Siblani, Arab American News pub-
lisher, endorsed Sanders in the Michigan
presidential primary (“Arab American
Backing Of Sanders Has Possibilities,” JN
opinion piece, March 24, page 6). In the
past, Siblani has been “caring and prin-
cipled” enough to print some really vicious
smears against our local Jewish community.
Don’t forget the hate piece that he ran in
the days before the Israel Sixty celebration
at the former Michigan State Fair Grounds
in 2008 (“Detroit Jewish Federation:
Celebrating racism and making money at
it,” Arab American News, April 8, 2008). Our
local Jewish community was accused of rac-
ism, celebrating genocide, being too wealthy
and even having our own “apartheid wall”
in Detroit. That’s principled journalism?
Jews have been attacked with those

kinds of “caring and principles” for the
past 2,000 years. To be “even-handed” in
the face of this same reckless hatred in
our day, when we should know our his-
tory, is the height of idiocy.

Harry Onickel
Ferndale

CORRECTIONS
• “Under Cover” (Celebrate, March
24, page 8), states Adrienne Sweet of
West Bloomfield wrote the names of her
daughters and their husbands on the
chuppah used at their weddings. She has
one daughter, who was married under the
chuppah, as well as two sons and their
brides, two nieces and a great-nephew.
• Dr. Robert M. Levine took photos for
“Mitzvah Makeover” (March 31, page 27)
for the JCRC annual event.

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April 7 • 2016

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