Tasteful & Timeless
family focus » dear debra
R ETIR EMENT LI V ING
Beautiful, maintenance-free apartment homes
are available now at Fox Run.
A Widow’s Dilemma
The Brighton Large one bedroom
S
Debra
Darvick
Living Area
12’3” x 17’9”
DEAR DEBRA,
I lost my husband last year and have
since moved cross country to live near
my daughter and her family. I rent
my own apartment, am beginning to
make friends and help my daughter
out with my granddaughter, age 10 —
doing some carpooling, taking her to
ballet, etc.
I recently met a wonderful man. We
have been going out for three months
and are quite in love. My daughter
has no problems with the relationship,
but my new beau recently suggested
that I move in with him. He lives and
works 30 miles away and has no plans
to retire in the foreseeable future. We
take turns on the weekend; but if we
see each other during the week, he is
usually the one driving to me because
of my carpooling commitments to my
granddaughter.
If I move in with my beau, the dis-
tance is not so great that I couldn’t con-
tinue weekly visits with my daughter
and her family, but I would not be on
hand to pitch in for daily carpooling,
etc. I don’t know that I would stay in
touch with the new friends I am mak-
ing, but it wouldn’t be impossible. I am
pretty outgoing and foresee making
new friends in my beau’s community.
I’m inclined to make the move; I’ve
never met anyone like this man before.
Neither of us is getting any younger, but
I don’t know if I should.
Linen
Bedroom
12’4” x 13’0”
Walk-In
Closet
DW
Bath
Kitchen
8’7” x 8’1”
W/D
The McKinley Extra large two bedroom
New
design
Bedroom
11’11” x 20’11”
Living/Dining Area
14’0” x 22’8”
Bedroom
11’5” x 13’6”
Walk-In
Closet
Walk-In
Closet
Closet
Linen
DW
— Stay or Move?
Closet
Bath
Bath
Kitchen
7’4” x 5’10”
Pantry
Laundry
W
D
Call 1-800-917-8169 for your free brochure
or to schedule a personal tour.
11330693
Novi | 1-800-917-8169 | EricksonLiving.com
2061670
26 March 17 • 2016
end your
questions to
deardebra@
renmedia.us or
look for an anony-
mous question
submission form on
Debra’s online col-
umn at www.|
thejewishnews.com.
DEAR STAY OR MOVE,
My first instinct is to tell you, “Sit.
Stay. And don’t roll over so fast.”
In little more than a year you have
been widowed; moved cross country,
presumably leaving behind longstand-
ing friends and a way of life; become
a part of your daughter’s family life;
and fell in love with a new man who
wants you to move in with him. Notice
how many buts there are in your letter.
Five, just in case you need help. In my
book, all those buts are like a traffic
sign screaming, “Slow down!”
You’ve known this man for three
months. Even though, by your admis-
sion, you are not a spring chicken, this
cock-a-doodle-doer seems to be ruling
the roost rather quickly. You didn’t
mention the M-word or if that matters,
but is your beau interested in making
you the next Mrs. MacDonald or sim-
ply his chick?
Since you are expressing doubts (all
those buts), why not give the relation-
ship a bit more time to blossom before
pulling up stakes? Perhaps you could
carpool your granddaughter one after-
noon less, using that day to visit your
beau. Continue to develop your friend-
ships where you are and continue to
enjoy and deepen this winter romance.
When you envision a future together
without all the buts, that will be the
time to make the move.
DEAR DEBRA,
Is it OK not to tell my 96-year-old aunt
that my son is engaged to another man
and is getting married this summer?
This aunt is very conventional and eas-
ily gets upset by changes and choices
that other people make that are differ-
ent from her own. She is very fragile,
lives out of state and doesn’t travel.
Her only child, who sees to her care,
says she could not make it to the wed-
ding and the news would be very upset-
ting to her. He has asked that she not be
invited to the wedding. I speak to my
aunt regularly, and she usually cries on
the phone, although she appreciates the
call. She asks after my son, and I omit
that he has a partner, who is a very lov-
ing man. I feel disloyal not telling her
about my son’s happiness, but do think
it would disturb her. Is it OK not to tell
her about the wedding? My son knows
his great aunt and is OK with it.
— Auntsy whether to tell or not
DEAR AUNTSY,
Rarely do I receive letters whose answer
is so clear cut!
Yes, absolutely, it is OK to withhold
the news of your son’s marriage to
another man. For all the reasons you
laid out, supported by her only child’s
preference that she not be told and
glued together by your son’s being OK
with her not knowing. There is no dis-
loyalty here, simply facing facts about a
person and acting for the greatest good
and peace. And mazel tov to you all on
your son’s upcoming wedding.
*
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life,
books and more at debradarvick.com.